Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Crabapple Baptist and Corporate Sin

Not gonna lie, the statement by Crabapple First Baptist Church, the Atlanta shooter's church, was better than I expected. It denounced violence, repudiated racism, grieved for the victims, and recognized its effects on the Asian-American community. But it still rang hollow. Something was missing. 

My immediate reaction that I sent to friends was: "It's pretty good, but also seems to lacks any sort of reflection (something like "We are evaluating and investigating gaps in our Christian education or church values...) . Hard to judge from the outside though, cuz maybe they did try. Like the sexual abuse stuff, need to recognize the importance of institutions, rather than when someone does something bad being like "Oops. That person is bad and we condemn them" and having that repeat continually." 

It was hard to articulate my dissatisfaction with the statement until I listened to Pastor Iron's podcast on Systemic Racism and read Timothy Cho's article on corporate sin (also linked below). In essence, Pastor Iron and Tim Cho communicate how Biblically, a whole group of people can be considered guilty for an individual's sin. This idea of corporate responsibility may seem initially repulsive to the hyper-individualistic Westerner, but the idea of collective guilt is self-evident to many others through our taught culture and lived experience. For Easterners, a person has the ability to bring shame or honor on her own family (as Mulan famously taught white people - the original one though, not the live action 😤). Minorities are also very aware of the perceptions that others in their group help perpetuate and the real consequences these perceptions create (see - Muslims after 9/11). Whether it's sexual abuse, systemic racism, or domestic terrorism, the question we must deal with is the same - Do we treat bad actors as merely "bad apples" (or "bad Crabapple", in this case 😛) or do we examine if there's something wrong with the environment that spawns seemingly unending bad apples? 

Now, back to Crabapple First Baptist Church. Rather than admit that "one of us" committed the atrocities, Crabapple church absolved themselves of responsibility by essentially communicating that the shooter was "never truly one of us", even though the evidence is clearly to the contrary, as he was a communing member of the church. Quick to exonerate themselves, Crabapple church failed to take any responsibility as a community of examining itself if it fostered a culture where racism and sexism could flourish. There's not a hint of corporate responsibility to be found, nor even the desire to consider how or why the evil in his heart was allowed to fester. In self-absolution, improvement and systemic change has no opportunity to occur, as the church and community never ask themselves if they contributed to or failed to prevent the problem, allowing cycles of sin to continue.  

I'm not saying that Crabapple church was necessarily an evil, toxic place. To the contrary, Chul Yoo, an Asian American pastor who used to attend, seems to indicate otherwise. But Yoo says in his article what I really wish Crabapple church committed to in their statement - "As they grieve, Crabapple will be able to carefully consider any blind spots brought to light by this incident, and the rest of us too will have a chance to take a closer look at our own churches, institutions, and hearts." 

Links / Resources


Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Micro-Rewards

After being at home in NJ for two weeks, I was reunited with my car today, and after small group, I snapped my phone into the phone holder thing, and started driving home. As I was driving, a feeling crept into my mind - I felt like I was missing out on getting credit for something. I thought perhaps I was momentarily mistaken that I should get Fitbit steps for driving. Then I realized - I was missing out on getting Waze points. 

It’s interesting how I have grown accustomed to getting credit for everything I do in my life, from walking to driving. While I’m sure there’s some fancy psychological term for these minute, meaningless points, I’ll call them “micro-rewards” (I fully expect to collect some royalty on this term in some point in the future). Whether it’s Fitbit, Waze, Bing Rewards, credit card points, or Yogurtland card points, the expectation for receiving a reward for everything I do seems to have engrained itself in my head. 


Expecting recognition and reward for every deed accomplished seems so petty, but if I’m honest to myself, that’s how I often view work and spirituality. While rewards (monetary and otherwise) are an integral part of a healthy motivation of work, it really shouldn’t be the driving motivation for me, and I should not get upset if there are things that I do that are not recognized or rewarded. This temptation towards entitlement and applause is even more dangerous in relation to God, and I hope that I’m not living to rack up “God points” which are redeemable at my death. Rather, that all my good deeds would be driven by a pure love for God which is self-sacrificing and doesn’t demand a constant ticker of micro-rewards. 

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Career and Self-Glorification

Recently, I've struggled a lot with the feeling of purposelessness, questioning everything in my life, especially my career, and just asking myself "What am I doing with my life?". To me, it's been a mini quarter-life crisis. Until today, I've attributed all these feelings to a combination of loneliness and life and work transition. At church today, the sermon, titled "I need to be great", explored the desire to make a name for ourselves, to be great in the eyes of other people. While I've always known that this is something I've struggled with, I realized today that my recent existential crises and feelings of meaninglessness and purposelessness in my career all stem out of an understanding of the futility of the pursuit of self-glorification.

Living in Silicon Valley, I'm daily surrounded by people much smarter than me, much richer than me, and much more successful than me. I'm insignificant - a small fish swimming in an ocean of genius fishes and young millionaire fishes. And while this in-debt, reasonably talented fish does have an opportunity to end up with good money and a successful career, that's nothing special, nothing worth envying, praising or looking up to. And of course, he could wholeheartedly pursue the Silicon Valley dream of being a millionaire by 30 and retiring at 35, but he just simply isn't ambitious enough to "drop his nets and follow" that dream. This fish will never be "great", at least in the eyes of the world.

I've been pursuing self-glorification my entire life, especially when it comes to my career. And the reality that I am not and will never be "great" has put an end to that pursuit. And with my life and career's number one goal scratched off the list, I no longer know what to live for, who to live for. Knowing that I am not and probably won't ever be great even in Microsoft has sucked the joy and meaning out of work. I've also realized that a large part of my recent motivation to go into ministry is actually a desire to make a name for myself, as I tell myself that if I can't do it in the tech sector, perhaps my intellect, gifts, and talents will help me do it in the ministry sector.

God, I've always known in my head that I can't live both for Your name and for my own name, but I admit that I've been trying to do it in my career. God, I thank you for church today, that you speak through your Word and your servants who faithfully preach it. God, teach me what it means to do my work for your glory. Teach me what it means to live all of my life for your glory. I know I've prayed this prayer before but this time I'm praying this for my own sake, not the usual, admirable love for You and the desire to love the right Christian things. God, teach me to live for your glory because living for my own glory has brought me nowhere and will only continue to bring disappointment and discontentment, and I just can't live like that anymore. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Avoid Top Job Interview Mistakes

Some of you may not know this, but page hits on this blog are extremely important to me. As a result, I closely examine the content on top sites to see what they are doing to get all their hits. I saw this article on the front page of Yahoo News and was struck by the insight, expertise, genius, and literary prowess of this article - Avoid These Top College Admissions Interview Mistakes. I will try to imitate the brilliant techniques employed by the author and hope to give super helpful advice and draw in millions of clicks!

Acing a job admissions interview is exactly what you need to do to get hired, but having a bad interview will sink you. Don't fall into the latter category. The following are several of the top job interview mistakes - and ways to avoid making them.

1. Insulting your interviewer. While honesty is a trait looked for by most employers, insulting your interviewer is not the correct avenue to displaying this trait. No matter how overweight your interviewer is or how much you dislike their haircut or outfit, try your best not to insult your interviewer. Attempt to find other avenues of exhibiting honesty, perhaps by displaying your self-awareness by admitting to your own weaknesses (e.g. cheating, stealing, pornography).

2. Neglecting to wear clothes. Most employers nowadays prefer their job candidates clothed while interviewing, so it is of utmost importance that your body is covered. The temptation may also be strong to remove articles of clothing during your interview, but studies have shown that candidates that strip during their interviews are less likely to receive job offers.

3. Failing to follow directions. When you interview, it's possible that you will be given specific tasks to accomplish, be it problem-solving or writing code on a whiteboard. It is of utmost importance that you accomplish these tasks within the constraints given you. Many first-time interviewees make the mistake of using the white board to draw dinosaurs and panda bears instead of programming and throwing pens and pencils at the ceiling, but unless instructed to do so, refrain from such activities.

4. Telling lies. We all are prone to hyperbole especially during interviews, but over-exaggerating is a big risk that needs to be avoided. Resisting the impulse to tell lies will save you the trouble of attempting to explain how you managed to finish college in 2 years despite your extensive time overseas helping the poor and the time machine that you built in your back yard.

5. Going overboard with the bragging*: While you shouldn't be so humble that you don't say anything positive about yourself when asked about your accomplishments, be careful not to go overboard. Going on for too long about how great you are and how many amazing things you've done can be off-putting. It's okay to let some of what you've done speak for itself. If certain achievements are really that incredible, the interviewer will show genuine interest and have follow-up questions, allowing you to expand on your experiences in a more natural way.

*All of point 5 copied verbatim from Avoid These Top College Admissions Interview Mistakes

Caleb Tseng is a professional mediocre blogger at fobbymaster.blogspot.com. He earned his B.S.E. from the University of Michigan and his master's degree from the University of Michigan.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Ultimate New Year Party

Six o'clock, New Year's Eve. I was on my way to Arthur and Vicki's for the typical Asian New Year's Eve hot pot dinner and celebration. As grateful and excited as I was to spend a night with good friends, I became surprisingly very sad that I couldn't be home for the giant hot pot extravaganza at Eric and Kat's. I say it's surprising because I'm not usually  a very sentimental person, and while my friends mean a lot to me, I tend not to miss them too much when I'm away. The emotion I felt probably came from a combination of seeing the Instagram photos of the dinner, chatting with Thomas at work, and discovering that Michael, who I didn't see all break, was there.

As I wallowed in self-pity for not being able to hang out with my friends at the huge home-people hot pot party, I was reminded that there is coming a day that I wouldn't have to leave one group of friends to hang out with another, a time where no feast would go unattended. And this was great comfort to me.

So I look forward to the ultimate New Year Party, where we've said goodbye to saying goodbyes, loneliness is only a faint memory, and the food, fun, and fellowship never ends.

As a side note, can you imagine having our hangouts with Jesus? Thomas wouldn't win Nertz every time (unless he was paired up with Jesus), we could all stuff things in Wendy's ears together, and Jesus, James, and Michael would face off in an epic game of pterodactyl. And Jesus won't backstab me in the Game of Thrones game (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, VICKI).

"Ain't no party like a Holy Ghost party cuz a Holy Ghost party don't stop!" - Not the Bible

Monday, December 30, 2013

To My Spiritually Backslidden Friends

Colossians 4:12-13 - "Epaphras, who is one of you, a servant of Christ Jesus, greets you, always struggling on your behalf in his prayers, that you may stand mature and fully assured in all the will of God. For I bear him witness that he has worked hard for you and for those in Laodicea and in Hierapolis."

To my spiritually backslidden friends - my MCCC friends that I see once every few years and my AIV friends that I only see now during weddings - I'm praying for you. For some of you, I've known that you haven't gone to church in years and probably don't even self-identify as Christians anymore. Even though I didn't ask you about church or God because I didn't want to embarrass you or force you to pretend to care, your distance from God continues to break my heart. For others of you, your spiritual regression, though fairly recent, was not surprising to me. And maybe you even knew that I knew (or could guess) that you stopped going to church even before I asked you about it. And then there are the handful of you that surprised me with your renunciation of Christ and his Church, leaving me sad and speechless.

Whoever you are, I'll be your Epaphras. There was once I time that I was physically with you and could make a real difference in your life. But those times have passed, and for most of you, I am no longer in a place relationally or geographically where I can drag you to church or discuss spiritual things. Even though I can't engage you on what I believe to be meaninglessness and futility of life without Christ, I can and will struggle on your behalf in my prayers.

But I must admit that as one guy, I feel a bit overwhelmed - there are just so many of you and I am so powerless! As my mind sweeps through all of your names and faces, I simultaneously mourn and rejoice in my utter powerlessness to change you. Though my heart's combination of brotherly love and a prideful Messiah-complex makes me wish I could make a real difference in your life, the reminder of God's sovereignty and the gift of prayer is my lone hope and comfort.

And so I'll continue to pray. I pray knowing that I join in with the saints who love you and want to see you love Jesus - your mom and dad, your childhood church friends, your college fellowship friends. I pray trusting in the sovereignty and goodness of God, soberly aware that your salvation is not dependent on the number of my prayers lifted or tears shed. And as a weak, immature, oft-distracted, poor-man's Epaphras, the times that I struggle to struggle on your behalf in my prayers may be frequent, but I pray trusting that the same God who took a Lunchables of fish and crackers and transformed it into a feast can similarly transform my unworthy prayers into power spiritual weapons.

And obviously, I post this not to get spiritual high-fives but to let you know that I care, I'm thinking about you, and I'm here if you want to talk.

I love you all. Come home to Jesus.
Caleb


Friday, December 27, 2013

Closest Game of Nertz

Yesterday Chough had a bunch of Joywok collegians and working people over at his place and after having a blast stuffing ourselves, playing Pulse and Heads Up, we decided to cool down a little bit and play Nertz. Splitting up into two groups of three teams, I played the closest game of Nertz ever. Here's the score sheet and a "game flow" visualization kind of interactive graph. Notice the big lead that Martin and I had in Round 6 and the major one-round comeback by Jensen/Phoebe in Round 11.

Thanks to Martin for carrying me yesterday. I was out of my league.

If anyone has an amazing Nertz story, I want to hear it!

Final Scores
Jonny/Phoebe Caleb/Martin Jensen/Sam
101 99 99

Score Sheet





Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Real War on Christmas

The so-called "war on Christmas" is always a common source of contrived contention, and though I know that no none of you asked for it, here's my take on this "war".

To me, the war against Christmas isn't only waged by the secular - it's one that Christians wage inwardly daily. You see, if the glorification of Christ and his sacrifice is the true "reason for the season", any self-glorification or stuff-glorification is a declaration of war on everything Christmas stands for. This battle between the Christmas spirit of Christ-glorification and self-denial and the secular Grinch spirit of idolization and distraction is a battle that every Christian fights - a battle that's fought as much during the holiday Christmas season as much as any other time in the year.

This is a battle that we lose when we neglect to meet with God after sleeping in, as we spend our days off in either idleness or meaningless busyness, a battle we lose when we catch up with all of our old friends except Jesus and when we spend time with all of our family except for our heavenly Father. We wage war on the ultimate gift of Christmas when we're more preoccupied with both giving and receiving trinkets, an act of aggression far more profound than any mindless "Happy Holidays". Like all sinners, we fall into the trap of valuing and enjoying the benefits of Christ over Christ himself - be they externally admirable gifts such as friendship and family or overtly materialistic pleasures.

So this Christmas, when we hear talk about the "war on Christmas", let's not condemn the secular or scoff at the overzealous religious. Let's reflect and self-examine how we ourselves have been waging a war against Christmas.

Merry Christmas, all!


Monday, December 9, 2013

Signs You Might Love Football More Than Jesus

Football, like anything else in life, can be idolized. We, dear reader, are tempted more than ever in this NFL-mobile-app, sports radio culture to elevate football over Jesus. But sometimes gauging our hearts can be hard to do, so for the sake of the kingdom, I've put together a small list of signs that you might love football more than Jesus. If you find that any or all of the statements below are true, I strongly urge you to promptly burn all of your football-related possessions, throw your TV away, and if necessary, gouge out your eyeballs (Matthew 5:29 - it's biblical). I thought about attaching images for each of these points to spice up the post, but I decided that I didn't want to stoop to the depths of Buzzfeed, so here is the pure, unadulterated list:

1) You have more sports apparel than you do Jesus apparel. 
I'm sure you've all heard the Biblical truth: "You might be the only Bible someone reads". If you don't wear Christian T-shirts, how will people hear the gospel?!?! Bonus points for wearing T-Shirts with Bible Verses on them! Or if you want to be a Christian hipster, get a Scripture tattoo!

2) Your idea of "righteous anger" is hating your bitter rival.
Let's be honest. Urban Meyer and Nick Saban are easy to hate. Eli is easy to tease too (though I suppose that teasing the disabled is bad taste).

3) You pray more during football games than during the week. 
This is especially true if you are a Michigan fan and have been forced to watch Devin Gardner this year. Living on a Prayer, anyone?

4) Church is just your Christian pre-game.
Church for you is just the necessary tradition before a game where you get together with friends and talk about the upcoming football for the day, updating your fantasy team while some guy talks about something on stage. Crackers and grape juice ain't no burgers and beer, but hey - it's holy!

5) You do your quiet times in hopes that God will bless your fantasy team.
Beware of the up-and-coming version of the prosperity gospel - if you live a "good" life and do the right things, God will bless you and your first round pick won't get injured and your waiver wire pickups will exceed expectations. "Bad fantasy week? There must be some sin in your life - check your heart, bro."

6) You hate Ohio State so much that you can't bring yourself to worship God at a Asian-American InterVarsity Conference because of the Ohio State-comprised worship team.
...This is all hypothetical of course...and hypothetically if this is something someone experienced, that someone probably had a lot of heart issues to deal with and repenting to do.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Catching Fire - We are the People of Capitol

[No real spoilers.]

Despite all of its shortcomings, the Hunger Games series does a phenomenal job of painting a picture of gross injustice so simple that children can grasp yet so deep that adults are affected deeply emotionally. I watched Catching Fire yesterday and the first third of the movie which shows the oppression of the Districts deeply moved me. I found myself teetering between seething anger and real sadness, evidenced by that funny feeling in my nose that I get when I want to cry. I remember thinking to myself, "I hate injustice."

Then the realization hit me: This injustice isn't even real! It's a made up story that I actually paid to watch. While there are millions that are living under similar or worse oppression, we wealthy, privileged Americans pay to be entertained by a depiction of the very real hell that others live and die in. In a very real sense, we are the people of Capitol watching the rest of the world play the Hunger Games. Sure, we watch some Youtube videos about poverty and injustice from time to time and pity those poor souls that were born in unfortunate circumstances, but then we clean our guilty moral palates with a few uplifting, emotionally manipulative videos from Upworthy and have our "faith in humanity restored". We are the feasting elites of Capitol, gorging ourselves with the pleasures of wealth, only enduring the short, periodic vomit-like discomfort of remembering the suffering of the world to satisfy our nagging conscious so that we can continue to gorge ourselves with more pleasure.

While it's easy to laugh at and condemn the thoughtless extravagance of the people of Capitol - embodied by the hilariously over-the-top makeup and fashion - and their disturbing indifference to injustice, if we fail to realize that we are in many ways the people of Capitol, I think that we miss one of the few things that the Hunger Games series has to offer. Hidden in the Hunger Game's adolescent fluff is a rare, surprisingly poignant insight into what wealth might look like to the destitute poor and the oppressed. We feel Katniss and Peeta's amazement of tons of delicious food, their simultaneous disgust and anger at the reality that there are millions of starving people despite the excess of food, and their eye-opening awe of Capitol's bright lights and technology. Further reflection forces us to rethink the things we've always taken for granted, be grateful for the undeserved wealth we have, and love those less fortunate than us.

As Thanksgiving and Christmas near, these are increasingly familiar and popular themes. But if it takes TV specials and the sound of Salvation Army bells for our annual reminder of poverty and injustice, we are no better than the people of Capitol, ignoring the hungry and oppressed around us for all but one month of the year.

As with everything I post, I'm not posting this because I have it figured out. I'm a guilty yet convicted hypocrite, and these were some of my thoughts. Let's keep each other accountable.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Social Media and Loneliness Desensitization

I signed up for Instagram today, mainly to keep contact with the younger people I've met here in Fort Wayne, as it seems like the younger generation uses Instagram more than any other social media. I started the day with posting a funny status about Instagram (see below) which accumulated likes and comments throughout the morning. It was fun interacting with people on Facebook and my newly created Instagram account, and an expectation of a notification every time I checked my phone built in my heart.



Fast forward to 9 PM. I've been exercising in the gym and watching the Colts-Titans game, all the while updating my Twitter, Facebook, and checking Instagram and the Reddit game thread. It's not unusual for me to update my Twitter/Facebook a lot during games, but for some reason, finally today the thought crossed my mind, "I wish I actually had someone to talk to instead of just posting it for the world to see."

The combination of the narcissistic pleasure of broadcasting my opinions, the tickling of my ego of notifications, and the reality of living alone for the last two years led to a desensitization of loneliness, keeping me from realizing the emptiness of posting stuff on the interwebs apart from real relationships. The magic of social media kept me feeling connected, which has been a lifeline in my life and I'm extremely grateful for, but it also masked the reality of the lack of friendship in my life. No amount of upvotes, likes, or those instagram heart thingys can substitute actually watching a game with friends I love. Sure, one-liners often don't sound as awesome in person as they do written in 160 characters, but life isn't all about getting e-props and followers.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I feel the need to be with people all the time or that social media is bad in any way. I get that I won't have 24/7 companions until I'm married and that much of my experience is just the typical post-college single life, but I guess what I'm saying is that it can be easy to get lost in the excitement and shallow approval of our public personas in social networks and neglect real relationships, which are more complicated and energy-draining but rewarding. It's surprisingly easy to forget to develop our friendships in the grind of real life, as accountability, discipleship, and confession of sins are a lot more difficult than posting quick fun statuses, witty comments, and selfies.

That all said, follow me on Instagram at @fobbymaster. You won't regret it.

Sorry this awful post sucked. I'll try harder next time.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Speaking at AIV Fall Retreat

As many of you know, I've been super busy the last month with a lot of different things, so I haven't gotten the chance to post. One of those major things that took a lot of my time was preparing to speak at the AIV Fall Retreat [here's a link to my seemingly disorganized outline]. The "Fall Retreat" is what used to be the lock-in, and was held an hour and a half off campus (and only an hour from Fort Wayne!) at a sweet retreat center. I was excited and pretty well-prepared going into the talk, but as I learn every time, speaking is hard. Here are three reasons why speaking is hard and some of the lessons I learned from this experience.

1) Distractions while speaking really screw up your train of thought.

I don't know how pastors stay focused. Every turn of the head, creaking opening of the door, and slight noise from the audience triggers my "squirrel" reflex. On top of that, there's the need to suppress the mental distracted of audience members that are sleeping or not paying attention. It probably would have been much easier had the lights been bright in my face and I couldn't see any audience members, which was kind of what it was like when I spoke at Christmas Banquet. What actually helped me stay focused on what I was saying were those in the audience who were not only listening, but were actually watching me, as for some reason, the eye contact really helped (big thanks to tall Andy W, who seemed to really be paying attention and I would go back and look to for encouragement/refocusing because his eyes were fixed forwards towards me...and because he's so tall he was easy to see.

I can really see now why Pastor Jay always wanted us to be looking at him when he spoke, why teachers often told us to face forwards, and why we were often reprimanded for going to the bathroom in the middle of sermons. Sure, it was about respect and about paying attention, but I think that they probably also did it because it helped them focus and not lose their train of thought thinking about other things. My respect and amazement of Pastor Scott at Northpark has also skyrocketed, as he often preaches right through minutes of an old lady coughing. So out of love and respect for our speakers, let's try to arrive on time (and not have to walk through doors late), look at speakers, and try not to leave service unless you really have to.

2) Not knowing how you did screws with your head.

In the minutes following giving Christian talks or gospel presentations, I often think to myself, "Good Lord, I've screwed up mightily." I mentally go through all the mistakes that I made - the things I wanted to say but forgot and the things I could have said but didn't think of. After the Fall Retreat talk, I really didn't how well I connected with the audience, if the things I said were useful, and if it really benefited anyone. It's always at this point that I really get reminded of the primacy of glorifying God and a glimpse of the reality of the sovereignty of God. I'm reminded that in the end, the audience's response doesn't dictate the "success" of any talk - it's about whether or not I've been faithful to God in both preparation and delivery, and the reminder that I'm there to serve God and not man gives me some comfort. The reality of the sovereignty of God is then made very real again to me, as I have no choice but to give the result up to God, knowing that despite my mistakes and flaws, it's only God that can work in people's hearts.

3) Receiving feedback can screw with your pride.

In those times that I've prepared well, I've generally received positive feedback. And despite my self-doubt, the temptation to be prideful is deadly. I can go quickly from "I made so many mistakes: God work through it despite me" to having to remind myself, "Yes, Caleb, you are awesome and did awesome, but remember that nothing that you did means anything apart from God". Don't get me wrong. Positive feedback is great and I need it (constructive criticism would also be welcome) and it's my own heart that's the issue. Staying humble in the midst of praise is difficult, and I can't imagine the humility guys like Piper and Keller need to continually work on.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Weighting Attractiveness Ratings

For those of you who haven't seen on my Facebook, I'm conducting a survey of the attractiveness of starting NFL quarterbacks (survey here!). As I was thinking about the analysis of the survey, I came across the idea of having different weights for each rating. The naive value for each rating is its own numerical value (1=1, 2=2, etc), but I believe that this doesn't accurately capture what each rating represents. I've made my own value system which which I'll apply to the data along with the default values, and I can't wait to see what changes, if any, it will make to the data. Of course, I'm probably overthinking things, but whatever. This was fun to think about.

Ratings and their Corresponding Values
Attractiveness Rating
1
2
3
4
 5 
 6 
 7
8
9
10
Value
-7
-5
-3
-2
 0 
2
 3 
 5 
 6 
9



Explanation/Rationale

1) Shifted down - I've shifted all the values down so that any negative value indicates someone who is "unattractive" and any positive ranking indicates someone who is "attractive".

2) Rating 5 is the center - When we say "Rate someone on a scale from 1-10", I believe that most people subconsciously make 5 the center, neutral value, without realizing that the center between 1 and 10 is actually 5.5.

3) Ratings 4 and 6 are +/-2 away from 0 - While 5 is neutral, ratings 4 and 6 are indicate someone who is definitively attractive or unattractive.

4) "Buckets" - When rating attractiveness, I believe that ratings of 3 and 4 (kinda ugly), 6 and 7 (kinda attractive), and 8 and 9 (very attractive) are very close and almost interchangeable. As a result, each of these buckets differ in rating only by 1. However, the difference between each "bucket" is greater, warranting a difference of 2 between each bucket.

5) The unattainable 10 - Rarely is a perfect rating of 10 ever given to someone's attractiveness. Ten is in a class of its own, yielding the difference of 3 between 9 and 10.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Laziness and Holiness

“People do not drift toward Holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated.” ― D.A. Carson

The above Carson quote that Matt Chandler read in a sermon I was listening to struck me as an incredibly accurate picture of human nature and of the trap that we young believers fall into so easily.

Later in the sermon as Chandler elaborates what he believes "grace-driven effort" entails, he says:
"Grace-driven effort attacks the roots and not just the branches...We have deceived ourselves so that our actions, who we actually are and what is in our hearts are somehow separate. We think that we are not wicked and in need of repentance and we just need to modify this behavior. And so we set out to modify a behavior when in the end, you can’t mow over the weeds...If you have lust issues, anger issues, and slander issues, ten times out of ten what you have is a heart issue, not an external issue." - Matt Chandler
I believe that one of the most crippling "heart issues" that we younger, more immature believers struggle with is that of spiritual laziness. Usually when we think of root, heart issues, we tend towards struggles such as insecurity, unhealthy fear, and the idolization of romance, academics, career, money, etc. Rarely do we actually deal with spiritual laziness, as we convince ourselves that if we dealt with any of these other heart issues, spiritual disciplines will magically become easy. We think that once the "major" sins in our lives have been uprooted, prayer and Bible reading will instantly be more attractive and rewarding, when in reality, it is largely our lack of spiritual discipline that leads to those sins in the first place.

As Carson pointed out, we also believe the lie that once saved, we "drift towards holiness". We believe that spiritual maturity is a guaranteed inevitability and that sanctification is only hard and painful for the initial "big" sins that we also think we'll simply outgrow. Despite Biblical, historical, and and personal examples to the contrary, we believe think that following Jesus always gets easier and easier, making us less willing to immediately tackle the difficult spiritual issues in our lives, waiting for them to somehow resolve themselves. Thus, clinging on to a flavor of adolescent rebelliousness, we reject all calls for holiness and discipline as legalistic, optimistically and naively thinking that simply living longer will eventually yield greater holiness. This causes us to perpetually procrastinate the disciplines that we know we desperately need, convincing ourselves that one day those disciplines will come easily, but up until this point, that day has not yet come.

But we have it backwards. Spiritual discipline is necessary for Christian maturity, not the other way around. And while I think that most people would agree with that statement, it seems like few actually live it out. It wasn't actually until senior your in college that I got a taste of what mature Christian life looks like. I experienced both the richness and rewards and the sacrifice and self-denial of a deeper relationship with Christ as I engaged in multiple consistent spiritual disciplines for the first extended period of time in my life. These included good Christian reading, deeper Bible study, Bible memorization, meditation, fasting, and devoted prayer and intercessory time. I say all this not to brag about myself (there isn't much to brag about, really) but to point out how ridiculously small-minded and immature I was just one year earlier when I patted myself on the back when I remembered to crack open my Bible that day. While this have-you-done-your-devotions-this-week stage of Christian life is unavoidable, far too many of us young Christians are stuck in it for far too long, never making it to solid food.

While we create myriads of excuses for ourselves, refusal to pursue maturity and engage in spiritual disciplines is nothing more than spiritual laziness. It isn't jealousy or hatred keeping you from spending quality time in concentrated prayer, nor is it your struggles with lust that keeps you from spending more time with Jesus in the Word. Academic and social busyness seems like a good excuse for the lack of time spent reading Christian books and in personal reflection until you consider the amount of time you spend watching football on the weekends and Hulu during the week. It's also tempting to commit the Pharisaic error of equating participation in religious activities (such as Sunday service and Bible study) with a real personal relationship with God, but corporate religious activities never nullify the need for private disciplines.

Upon honest reflection, our excuses are just excuses, and for many of us, spiritual laziness is one of the root heart issue that needs to be dealt with in our lives. I know that it's definitely one of mine. Spiritual discipline takes time, pain, and patience to create and sustain, but we can be confident that Christ will honor those who pursue him.


Hebrews 12:11 - "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

1 Timothy 4:7-8 - "Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come."

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

NJ Reception Quiz - Iris, James or Both?

For Iris and James' NJ reception, I did a small, simple quiz testing everyone's knowledge of Iris and James. Each table had to decide if each of the following statements are true for only Iris, only James, or both Iris and James. The average score per table was around 3-4 as expected (even the tables with Iris and James' closest friends only scored a 4), but the highest score was a whopping 7/10 who guessed their way to victory. Take the quiz and open the answers page. How well have you done?

1) Has a smart and handsome older brother.
2) Was born in Michigan.
3) Had chicken pox.
4) Needed braces.
5) Went to basketball camp as a kid.
6) Played in marching band in high school.
7) Took African politics in college.
8) Graduated with a perfect GPA (4.0)
9) Has never been to Europe.
10 )Favorite verse is Isaiah 40:30-31 - “Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint

Answers are here. Don't click until you've taken the quiz!


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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

ACL Rehab - 3 Months Post-Surgery

I haven't really updated about how rehab is going for a while, so here it is.

Overall Rehab Process

I got an opposite side patellar tendon graft, meaning that they took part of the patellar tendon of my good knee (my right knee) and grafted it into my left knee as a new ACL. As a result, my right knee's patellar tendon was made very weak, and I have to rehab the tendon to cause it to grow back and be as strong as it was before. This means that my left knee, which was the knee with the torn ACL, is actually stronger than my previously uninjured right knee. However, it is still tighter than my right knee, and maintaining full flexion and extension of the knee is a top priority in my rehab, as it gets tight quite easily.

My rehab right now includes a lot of strength training, mainly for my quads, which haven't been seriously used for months. At my two month mark, my doctor told me to begin to ease back into athletics, saying that this is the point that he would clear athletes to begin things like shooting around a basketball. Right now, I neither have the confidence or physical ability to do much athletically, but I have started throwing around and doing some very light jogging on the treadmill. The biggest milestone for me so far is when I discovered last week that I can comfortably and confidently skip! I've been showing this off to everyone around me, so don't mind me if you see me publicly flaunting my ability.

Current Rehab Routine

The following is the last rehab session that I did today. I've been increasing resistance, time, and weight on each exercise as I feel my legs getting stronger.

25 Minutes Stationary Bike - Resistance 9
5 Minutes "Jogging" on Treadmill - Speed 4.8
Seated Leg Press (one leg at a time) - 3 sets of 15, 40 pounds
Leg Extensions (one leg at a time) - 3 sets of 15, 20 pounds

This was a pretty short post, so here's a treat that I've been saving.

Before: Sheepskin padding for the CPM Machine


After: Costume for Warrior Mrs.Lee


I showed the above picture to my physical therapist, who laughed and responded with amusement, "Does she know that your dirty, unwashed leg was in there for two weeks?" Good times.




Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Showing Off Church

Two weeks ago, the day after Iris' wedding, I brought some of my NJ friends to Knox for Sunday Service. I had long planned to bring them to Knox that day but only told them the night before, so I was grateful that they all woke up early to get ready for church. We all checked out, fit all of our luggage in the cars and hopped in, ready to go. Because I knew where I was going, I told Eric I would lead our two-car caravan, but I still put Knox's address into my GPS, just in case. My GPS had an estimated arrival time of 9:35, which would make us five minutes late, but that was no biggie in my mind. By now, the kind people at Knox must have gotten used to large groups of Asians arriving at church just a few minutes late.

[Skip this paragraph if you have a short attention span or do not know Michigan roads.] We drove down from the hotel, and my GPS told me to take 23 South instead of 23 North, which is how we got to Knox the day before. I thought that maybe the GPS knew a faster way to church, so I decided to go with my GPS and take 23 South. After all, I had it set to "fastest route", so it must be true, right? Turns out, it was leading us to take 94 and get off the Ann Arbor-Saline exit, which does make sense, as it isn't a far drive from that exit to Scio Church. However, what my stupid Nokia Drive GPS app didn't know was that there was a section of 94 that was closed, and that it was actually impossible to get onto to the Ann Arbor-Saline exit. So after looping around a few times, we just ended up going back and taking 23 North and getting off by Carpenter Street, which is what I would have done had I not listened to my stupid GPS.

All this is to say that we got to church 30 minutes late. The entire time while driving as the clock kept ticking and the estimated arrival time kept getting pushed back, I was getting more and more frustrated. I was pissed off that everyone had made the effort to get up early, only to have that all dashed to pieces by my poor navigational decision-making. I was thinking about the things that we were going to miss at church and the embarrassingly strange looks we might get arriving half an hour early.

We arrived at church in time for the end of the last song of the worship set, and took a seat inside during the announcements time. Sitting in the pew, I found myself still upset and frustrated, and I felt the God-to-Jonah-like question prodding my heart, "Why are you so angry?". After a little bit of thinking, I realized that I was upset because I wanted my friends to experience what I believe is a great Sunday service. I wanted them to enjoy the awesome traditional/contemporary worship, to see the music director use his head to direct the brass players while playing the organ, and I was disappointed that we had arrived too late and had missed most of the worship, including the congregational and personal favorites "Be Thou My Vision" and "Christ Has Conquered All." I wanted them to be blown away be the preaching, and I was secretly disappointed that Pastor Chuck wasn't going to be speaking this Sunday. I wanted them to be impressed with the church service as they had been impressed with the university campus. I was showing off church. And it wasn't simply out of vanity or selfishness that I desired all of these things - I wanted my friends to share in a central part of my spiritual development, and I wanted them to be blessed by it.

As I continued to think about these things while ignoring the announcements, I realized how warped my thinking was. To me that morning, church was about spiritually pleasing my friends, when in fact Sunday worship is actually about pleasing God. In my self-disappointment, I was reassured that just being there, even half an hour late, is an act of worship to God. And I was reminded that ultimately, it wasn't up to me, the worship director, or the speaker to create a genuinely awesome worship experience for my friends - it was up to God. And so with divine help, I laid it all down, freeing me to enjoy and participate in the worship service without being burdened by the anxiety of gaining the approval of my friends.

I think that we as Christians often fall into the trap that I fell into that Sunday morning - when we invite friends, both Christians and non-Christians, to our Christian events, we're often so concerned with their approval and enjoyment that we ourselves lose sight of the true purpose and Provider for these events. We steal glances at our visitors, seeing if they are weirded out by the singing and are interested and attentive during the message. We internally critique the sermon, cringing at every awkward or possibly offensive statement and laboriously taking mental note of the funny or insightful remarks for future discussion. As a result, we don't truly participate in the service, insincerely singing the worship songs and allowing the words of the sermon to go in one ear and out the other. Our anxiety blinds us, causing us to forget that it is God who draws and glorifies Himself. And in worrying so much about whether or not God will work in someone else's life through the service, we actually lose the opportunity to allow God to work in us. This attitude sucks the joy out of serving God, making ministry burdensome and sharing our faith excessively emotionally taxing, eventually completely burning us out.

So the moral of the story is this: Chill out, seek to please God, and trust that He'll take care of the rest. Also, the Nokia Drive app sucks.

Monday, August 5, 2013

My Toast at Iris' Wedding Reception

For those of you who missed it or want to relive the magic of my toast, here it is! If you were at the reception, you'll notice that I forgot to say the opening joke, a mistake that I am still grieving over, as it would have elevated my toast from simply awesome to legendary. I actually wrote my toast around the first and the last lines, which were the two lines that I really wanted to say, hoping to be able to honestly say "It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry". This would have been more true if I included my opening joke, but whatever! What's done is done. And it's not really that important in relation to all the more sentimental stuff about Iris and James anyways! Enjoy.

[I also want to say that I appreciate all the encouraging comments about my toast. I'm glad that I was able to say what I wanted to say and express it in such a way that it connected with you all! ...And I think the mic cut out momentarily at points where it seemed like I paused because I was choking up...at the same time that dust got into my eye. Weird.]

I would first just like to thank you all for coming out and celebrating with us. This is easily the biggest early birthday party I've ever had.

[ Introduce Family ] 
...And with that, most of my allotted 3 minutes is up. But it's okay. I only have a few things I want to say.

I've been asked a lot, "How does it feel to have your little sister engaged?" And while it did take me a little bit of time to get comfortable to the idea that my little sister was getting married, I'm so happy to be standing here today speaking at James and Iris' wedding reception. And using a few true stories, I'm going to try to explain why.

As a big brother, if I had to describe Iris with just one word, it would be gentle and kind and tender-hearted. I'm not sure how many of you know this side of her because she can tend to be more headstrong and uptight in leadership and ministry positions, as Wendy displayed at graduation banquet. But Iris has always been very gentle and kind. Growing up, whenever there was any sort of argument in the house, whether between me and my parents or my parents between themselves, she would go up to her room and pray for us. And my mom likes to say that she usually didn't have to spank Iris when she was bad, because all she needed to do was look at Iris sternly and she would start crying...while I usually got extra spanks for trying to squirm my way out of getting hit. Finally, back when we were kids at our old church building, I would skip the refreshments after church to go play soccer with my friends. Every week, Iris would go and get food, put it on a plate, and bring it all the way down to the dirt patch we were playing on for me to eat.

And it's for this gentle, sweet girl that I as a big brother want someone who can take care of Iris and love her, and I'm so glad that James is that man who Iris will now begin to fatten up. 
If I had to describe James with one word, it would be "strong." This was actually my very first impression of him, when we played pickup basketball together in the CCRB his freshman year. As an aside, I believe that I was actually friends with James before Iris was, but I've never confirmed this suspicion. Anyways, James was the one guy that when I tried fouling him to prevent him from getting an easy layup, he would still manage to get the ball up and into the hoop. As I've gotten to know James these last few years, I've found that he is not only strong physically, but also mentally and spiritually.

As a big brother, it's for all of these reasons that I'm so glad that James can be the rock for my little sister for the rest of their lives. It is somewhat like the Biblical picture of the strong lion lying down with the gentle lamb...only that I hope that hasn't happened yet... 
As alluded to previously, it did take me a little bit of time to get comfortable with the idea that Iris was getting married. This was for a lot of the expected reason, but the biggest reason was this - it took me time to come to terms with the fact that there was going to be another man who loves and adores Iris more than I do (except my dad, but he doesn't count).

But James, I want you to know that I'm so glad that that man is you, and I know that you will love and adore Iris in a greater capacity than I ever could and will love her for the rest of your life. 
And Iris, I just want you to know that I'm so glad that you found James to love you for the rest of your life, but there will be no one who will ever love you as a big brother more than I do.

So if you would, join me in raising a glass for James and Iris! Cheers!

Thanks for the great photo, Abben!

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Monday, July 29, 2013

Ender's Game - Loneliness

[I'm writing this post in the "stream of consciousness" kind of style, as encouraged by Brian, because I've been wanting to write about these books but don't really have an organized way to present my thoughts. So enjoy my thought jumble.]

I recently heard that Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game was being made into a movie, and because I didn't want the movie to ruin the book, I bought the book and amazingly zipped through it in two days. I absolutely loved the book, so I picked up its sequel Speaker for the Dead which took me considerably more time to read through, but was, in my opinion, much richer in depth.

I don't expect to give away many spoilers here, but please feel free to stop reading this post if you plan on reading the books (which you should). But if you're going to cop out and just watch the movie in lieu of the books, continue reading. I doubt the movie will be able to capture the depth of emotion and insight into human nature as the books will. Also, stop being such a lazy human being.

Anyways, the central theme of the two novels, in my opinion, is loneliness. Most prominent in Ender's Game is the loneliness of genius, which Orson Scott Card magically makes us relate to (or maybe just me, because I know how it feels to be burdened with genius). Not only Ender is alone because of the jealousy and distrust from the other students and eventual physical separation, he is alone because no one has the intellectual capacity to understand him. While this situation is truly applicable only to a few in the world, the feeling that no one understands you runs deep within us. And what sucks even more for Ender is that while he is a truly a super-genius and wise beyond his years, he still experiences many of the emotional hurts as the child that he is.

Living in Fort Wayne, I don't usually feel lonely. I don't sit in my apartment and lament about how lonely I am. But when such a vivid picture of loneliness is painted, those hidden emotions within me start bubbling up. The night before I was going to drive up to Michigan to meet up with my friends for this awesome camping trip, I stayed up later than I should have finishing Ender's Game. I'm not going to spoil the scene here, but if you read the book, you'll know what scene I'm referring to (hint - it's when Ender wakes up).
"Then Ender began to cry and embraced [two of his friends] who were closest. 'I missed you,' he said. 'I wanted to see you so bad.' ...[Someone tells a joke] They all laughed at that. Laughed until tears streamed down their faces."
For some reason, this hit close to home. After the chapter ended, I just laid in bed and sobbed. Because that's exactly what I felt. I've been waiting to hang out with my college buddies, and I just couldn't wait to see my friends! I don't think a novel has ever made me cry before (no, not even ASOIAF), but this desire of relief from loneliness was all too real for me.

Ender's game is a great book. It's a page-turner, which makes it a quick and easy read, so I highly suggest reading it before the movie comes out. I had hoped to talk more about Speaker for the Dead in this post, but this post is already getting kind of long, so I'll save it for next time. Below is one of my favorite Christian rap song and is obviously relevant to the topic of loneliness.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Rejected Ideas for Iris' Wedding

Iris (my little sister) is getting married in exactly a week, and I'm totally pumped for her wedding. Since Iris and James have been engaged, I've been throwing them a bunch of ideas that I think would spice up the wedding. Most of them (actually all of them, thinking about it) have been rejected. But here's a list of the things I proposed to Iris.

[Note: If you are destined to be my future spouse. Please stop reading here. Thank you.]

Embarrassing Toast - In Review

I've been threatening Iris for months with telling all the embarrassing stories of our childhood for my toast. I still have a week of leverage to use this threat!

Wedding Gifts Commission - Rejected

I would graciously take on the responsibilities as the person in charge of collecting gifts, and as a token of gratitude for my service, Iris and James would "reward" me with 10% of the total gifts. Unfortunately, Iris and James have already found people who would do this task for free...

Pregnant Sumo - Rejected

Iris: Yes Sheila is coming!
Iris: she will be very pregnant
Iris: like sara
Caleb: for some entertainment
Caleb: there should be a pregnant sumo
Caleb: stomp...stomp...SMASH
Iris: you are so terrible...

Have Timmy be a Centerpiece - In Review

Who knows. Maybe Tim will agree to this!

Poop bouquet toss - Rejected

Picture this. Iris is turned around, and all the single ladies are crowded behind her in anticipation of the bouquet toss and the chance to be the next one to marry. Iris hands suddenly lift from in front of her, and all the girls scream in delight, until they realize that it's not a bouquet that has been tossed, but a pile of stinky poo! The screams of delight quickly become screams of horror, as all of the girls try to run to avoid the poo. Some girls, however, are not so lucky and are trapped in the middle of the panicking crowd. The original pile of poop separates in the air, greatly increasing its area of effect. Any attempt to flee is now futile. The poop rains down from above, spoiling the new, hundred dollar dresses on the unfortunate upset, once-hopeful girls. What a glorious scene it would be.

Daddy-daughter dance to dad's own singing - Rejected

Few of you probably know this, but despite being as close to tone-deaf as someone possibly can be, my dad loves to invent his own songs and sing them repeatedly until he gets tired or my mom tells him to stop. Iris and I have obviously memorized many of the numerous songs he likes to sing, and I thought that it would be fitting, hilarious, and emotionally moving to record my dad singing his silly songs and have Iris and him dance to it. Unfortunately, neither party agreed.

Nose Pore Cleaner Wedding Favor and Guestbook - Rejected

Recently, my mom has been on a mission to clear the dirty pores in my noes, so she bought those strips that stick to your nose and pull out all the gunk from your pores. Iris and I have both used them, as they're pretty fun to use and it's amazing the stuff that can get embedded in your nose. After Jenny and Steven's wedding, we were discussing how much we liked the stamp guestbook idea, and thought that maybe we could give each guest a nose pore cleaner, and then paste it onto some sheet and write their name next to it, kind of like Jenny and Steven's thing!

    
[This photo stolen from Jenny's Facebook]Now try to imagine around 200 of these things
on a sheet of paper!
Kinda hard to believe that this girl is getting married in a week!
And her big brother is totally excited for her!