Recently, I've struggled a lot with the feeling of purposelessness, questioning everything in my life, especially my career, and just asking myself "What am I doing with my life?". To me, it's been a mini quarter-life crisis. Until today, I've attributed all these feelings to a combination of loneliness and life and work transition. At church today, the sermon, titled "I need to be great", explored the desire to make a name for ourselves, to be great in the eyes of other people. While I've always known that this is something I've struggled with, I realized today that my recent existential crises and feelings of meaninglessness and purposelessness in my career all stem out of an understanding of the futility of the pursuit of self-glorification.
Living in Silicon Valley, I'm daily surrounded by people much smarter than me, much richer than me, and much more successful than me. I'm insignificant - a small fish swimming in an ocean of genius fishes and young millionaire fishes. And while this in-debt, reasonably talented fish does have an opportunity to end up with good money and a successful career, that's nothing special, nothing worth envying, praising or looking up to. And of course, he could wholeheartedly pursue the Silicon Valley dream of being a millionaire by 30 and retiring at 35, but he just simply isn't ambitious enough to "drop his nets and follow" that dream. This fish will never be "great", at least in the eyes of the world.
I've been pursuing self-glorification my entire life, especially when it comes to my career. And the reality that I am not and will never be "great" has put an end to that pursuit. And with my life and career's number one goal scratched off the list, I no longer know what to live for, who to live for. Knowing that I am not and probably won't ever be great even in Microsoft has sucked the joy and meaning out of work. I've also realized that a large part of my recent motivation to go into ministry is actually a desire to make a name for myself, as I tell myself that if I can't do it in the tech sector, perhaps my intellect, gifts, and talents will help me do it in the ministry sector.
God, I've always known in my head that I can't live both for Your name and for my own name, but I admit that I've been trying to do it in my career. God, I thank you for church today, that you speak through your Word and your servants who faithfully preach it. God, teach me what it means to do my work for your glory. Teach me what it means to live all of my life for your glory. I know I've prayed this prayer before but this time I'm praying this for my own sake, not the usual, admirable love for You and the desire to love the right Christian things. God, teach me to live for your glory because living for my own glory has brought me nowhere and will only continue to bring disappointment and discontentment, and I just can't live like that anymore. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
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