Assorted ACL#3 Thoughts

This one feels different. Well. It physically feels the same, which is why despite the confusing, ambiguous MRI report, I'm fairly certain it's a serious knee injury aka ACL (will get more clarity after ortho surgeon appt in early Jan). But with wife and kids, it's different. 

When I tore my first ACLs 7 and 9 years ago, what upset me the most is the inability to play ultimate and hang out with my friends. Now, it's mainly from 1) the understanding that this very well could be the end of my ultimate career (Sam gave me one more major injury before a forced retirement) and 2) not being able to fulfill my primary roles of being a good partner to Sam by being a good dad to our kids. Unlike previously, ultimate isn't as core to my identity or social life, but this injury more materially impacts those who depend on me.

The injury happened during league - was smokin the other team (think I scored 4 or 5 already that night). Kicked out with my leg laterally on a mark, brought it down hard, then snap-crackle-pop. Pain, scream, tears, sadness. As I said sitting on the field, "The tears aren't from the pain - it's from knowing that's the end of my career." Sobbing on the sideline, so so grateful for the pats on the back and encouragements, and the friends surrounding me. But really, more than anything, just wanted to be home.

The mental portion of serious injury is almost harder than the physical toll. Those who've been there know. Like Samson, who carried me to the car. And Scott, who greeted me at church acknowledging the mental part being the hardest. I've shed more tears this last week than I have in a long, long time. Reminding myself daily of Samson's advice to me as he loaded me into the car - "Don't overthink it."

Self talk is important. My mantra for this one is "Stronger every day. I'm unstoppable". Custom Etsy shirt being ordered right now. The grind begins anew. 

"With your pain, you are imitating Christ." - Nun to Pope Francis. Communion is exactly what I needed that Sunday - a physical sign of an physically incarnate God for a physically broken man, and one of the many reasons I love that our church partakes weekly. "This is my body, broken for you" hits different when your own body is broken.

With the injury, it's all of a sudden possible to continue my high rate of book reading in 2023, previously only due to paternity leave.

"I'm really glad I'm not slow." < I said this in my head to myself a few weeks ago. Welp. Reminds me of my reflection after ACL#1 (should I start naming them?). 

ACL Rehab - 3 Months Post-Surgery

I haven't really updated about how rehab is going for a while, so here it is.

Overall Rehab Process

I got an opposite side patellar tendon graft, meaning that they took part of the patellar tendon of my good knee (my right knee) and grafted it into my left knee as a new ACL. As a result, my right knee's patellar tendon was made very weak, and I have to rehab the tendon to cause it to grow back and be as strong as it was before. This means that my left knee, which was the knee with the torn ACL, is actually stronger than my previously uninjured right knee. However, it is still tighter than my right knee, and maintaining full flexion and extension of the knee is a top priority in my rehab, as it gets tight quite easily.

My rehab right now includes a lot of strength training, mainly for my quads, which haven't been seriously used for months. At my two month mark, my doctor told me to begin to ease back into athletics, saying that this is the point that he would clear athletes to begin things like shooting around a basketball. Right now, I neither have the confidence or physical ability to do much athletically, but I have started throwing around and doing some very light jogging on the treadmill. The biggest milestone for me so far is when I discovered last week that I can comfortably and confidently skip! I've been showing this off to everyone around me, so don't mind me if you see me publicly flaunting my ability.

Current Rehab Routine

The following is the last rehab session that I did today. I've been increasing resistance, time, and weight on each exercise as I feel my legs getting stronger.

25 Minutes Stationary Bike - Resistance 9
5 Minutes "Jogging" on Treadmill - Speed 4.8
Seated Leg Press (one leg at a time) - 3 sets of 15, 40 pounds
Leg Extensions (one leg at a time) - 3 sets of 15, 20 pounds

This was a pretty short post, so here's a treat that I've been saving.

Before: Sheepskin padding for the CPM Machine

After: Costume for Warrior Mrs.Lee

I showed the above picture to my physical therapist, who laughed and responded with amusement, "Does she know that your dirty, unwashed leg was in there for two weeks?" Good times.

Previous Posts
Post-Surgery Helplessness
Sleep - A Divine Gift

ACL Post-Surgery Week 2
ACL Post-Surgery Week 1
My ACL Reconstruction
My Torn ACL

Shattered Pride

Post-Surgery Helplessness

Maybe I'm just dumb, but I didn't realize just how helpless I would be after surgery. For the first 24 hours, I couldn't get up to use the bathroom and had to use a urinal. After that, I could barely sit down on the toilet without help, and because I couldn't bend my legs enough to stand up, I needed both of my parents to help drag me off the toilet. I basically couldn't do anything by myself, and everything I did, even with help, hurt like hell.

It was hard for me to imagine that Adrian Peterson and RG3 went through exactly what I went through. Sure, they had underwater treadmills and personal physical therapists, but their first week was probably a lot like mine. Maybe even worse, because their legs are much longer than mine and toilets are basically all the same height. It's just so hard to imagine those who I consider strong and powerful humbled to the point of helplessness. When we turn on the TV, we see pictures of D Rose taking practice jumpers and Kobe standing with crutches in Staples. We don't see the tossing and turning at night and the moaning and groaning of constant pain. We see RG3 and AP rehabbing in a weight room and we don't see them needing help to use the bathroom or scratch their back.

This all might sound obvious to you, but I just never realized just how helpless even uber-rich super-athletes can become. I guess I just assumed it was like any old ankle sprain - that they just took some time off and magically got better. I never imagined that guys like AP and Kobe would ever be brought to the low point of not even being able to use the bathroom alone (Sorry I keep mentioning the bathroom. It just really stuck with me).

It hit me one Sunday having communion at Knox (I seem to get a lot of epiphanies there) what "This is my body broken for you" really means. Jesus is infinitely more rich and powerful than AP and Kobe and was brought infinitely lower. Jesus felt the shame of being helplessly naked in front of others and the excruciating pain the body can bring. If it was so difficult to wrap my head around the fact that rich, athletic guys could be brought low, how much more difficult must it be to understand how an all-powerful self-sufficient God could be brought low! Obviously I can't claim to understand it, but I'm glad that this experience has deepened, if even slightly, my understanding (of my lack of understanding) of the magnitude of sacrifice that Christ has made on our behalf!

Who, being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

rather, he made himself nothing

taking the very nature of a servant,

made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,

he humbled himself

by becoming obedient to death—

even death on a cross! 

- Philippians 2: 6-8

                

Previous Posts
Sleep - A Divine Gift

ACL Post-Surgery Week 2
ACL Post-Surgery Week 1
My ACL Reconstruction
My Torn ACL

Shattered Pride

Sleep - A Divine Gift

As mentioned in a previous post, the single most difficult obstacle in my whole ACL surgery experience has been my inability to sleep well. The soreness of my knees has made it difficult to fall asleep and painful stiffness wakes me up multiple times a night. The first couple of weeks after the surgery, I woke up around once every two or three hours, sometimes laying awake for an hour or more just begging God to put me to sleep and pleading with my body to go to sleep. The last few weeks have been much better for me, as I only wake up completely once or twice throughout the night, though my tossing-and-turning-filled sleep still hasn't been great. In the last five weeks, I have only slept once continuously for more than 6 hours, and that was after a ridiculously tiring day on my camping trip last week. 

I've always taken a good night's sleep for granted. A trait inherited from my father and perfected in college, I've always had the ability to fall asleep easily anywhere at any time despite noise, light, or other distractions. Thus, I've never understood the struggle of those who have trouble sleeping and secretly considered most claims of insomnia to be gross exaggerations and general falsehoods, never expecting to experience it personally. Difficulty walking and hurting knees were expected after surgery, but I had no idea that disrupted sleep would torment me the most.

Below is a passage of The Life of Elijah, an awesomely dense book PB and I started reading together years ago and I still haven't finished. When I first read the passage weeks before my surgery, I found it very odd that AW Pink would spend a relatively large chunk of  a chapter talking about the seemingly misplaced topic of sleep. In my recent struggles with sleep, I've found deep meaning in Pink's digression on the subject, realizing that I was blinded to God's grace and taking His gift of sleep for granted, and it was only in my affliction that I gained sight of how important sleep is. 

I know it's a fairly long excerpt, but I highly encourage you to read it all carefully, reflecting on the state of your own heart and giving thanks to God for his mercies in your life. 

"[Elijah] 'slept under a juniper tree,' v.5. But the force of that is apt to be lost upon us, in this God-dishonouring day, when there are few left who realize that 'He giveth His beloved sleep,' Psa. 127.2. It was something better than 'nature taking its course': it was the Lord refreshing the weary prophet.

How often is it now lost sight of that the Lord cares for the bodies of His saints as well as for their souls. This is more or less recognized and owned by believers in the matter of food and clothing, health and strength, but it is widely ignored by many concerning the point we are here treating of. Sleep is as imperative for our physical well-being as is food and drink, and the one is as much the gift of our heavenly Father as is the other. We cannot put ourselves to sleep by any effort of will, as those who suffer with insomnia quickly discover. Nor does the exercise and manual labour of itself ensure sleep: have you ever lain down almost exhausted and then found you were 'too tired to sleep'? Sleep is a Divine gift, but the nightly recurrence of it blinds us to the fact.  

Alas, how little are we affected by the Lord's goodness and grace unto us. The unfailing recurrence of His mercies both temporally and spiritually inclines us to take them as a matter of course. So dull of understanding are we, so cold our hearts Godward, it is to be feared that most of the time we fail to realize whose loving hand it is which is ministering to us. Is not this the reason why we do not begin really to value our health until it is taken from us, and not until we spend night after night tossing upon a bed of pain do we perceive the worth of regular sleep with which we were formerly favoured? And such vile creatures are we that, when illness and insomnia come upon us, instead of improving and repenting of our former ingratitude, and humbly confessing the same to God, we murmur and complain at the hardness of our present lot and wonder what we have done to deserve such treatment. O let those of us who are still blessed with good health and regular sleep fail not daily to return thanks for such privileges and earnestly seek grace to use the strength from them to the glory of God."

- The Life of Elijah by AW Pink 

Previous Posts

ACL Post-Surgery Week 2
ACL Post-Surgery Week 1
My ACL Reconstruction
My Torn ACL

Shattered Pride

ACL Post-Surgery Week 2

Today is the two week anniversary of my surgery. Since last Friday, I've been staying in my apartment with my Mom, and since there really hasn't been anything exciting or that different from my last post, I'll just update a bit about my progress.

Progress

Walking - I can walk much more normal now, and can walk a bit longer than I could last week, where I was basically only walking to the bathroom and back. 

Sitting - Kind of surprisingly to me, sitting has been more uncomfortable than I expected, and I can't seem to sit for more than an hour or two. I think its a combination of the compression of my tube socks on swelling and having my legs bent for a long time, but it's hard to say what exactly the problem is. I was expecting to return to work this week, but since I can't sit for long, I think I'm going to wait a bit more before I go to work.

What my scars look like right now

Some interesting bruising on my ACL leg

Hardships

Sleeping - I've had difficulty sleeping the last two weeks mainly because I move a lot in my sleep, and I wake up every time I shift positions because of the soreness of my knees. I wake up a few times a night, every two hours or so, moaning and groaning and shifting positions. It's pretty frustrating and annoying not being able to sleep well, but I make up my poor sleep with daily naps. 

Social Withdrawal - For an extrovert like me, being locked up in a room for two weeks isn't easy, even with my parents to keep my company. Having people over for Bible study this week and going to watch pickup were super exciting for me and provided a huge emotional lift. 

Watching friends playing ultimate

Next Steps

I'm going in for my two week checkup at the doctor's office tomorrow, and I'm hoping that I'll be cleared to drive and maybe not have to wear these fashionable yet annoying tube socks anymore. 

Tube socks for compression I've been wearing for the last two weeks.

Previous Posts

ACL Post-Surgery Week 1
My ACL Reconstruction
My Torn ACL

Shattered Pride

ACL Post-Surgery Week 1

As usual, this post is a few days late. Here's a recap of what my first week post-surgery was like, along with some fun pictures. Thanks for all the texts and phone calls of concern and encouragement. They've meant a lot!

Monday - Surgery Day

Having stayed the previous night in the hospital hotel connected to the hospital, I arrived at the outpatient surgery center at 7 AM. Before long, I was brought to the back for surgery prep, changing into the fashionable surgery gown, having my IV inserted (which was very uncomfortable), and having my knees shaved.

Just seeing this picture makes me queesy

They shaved all my knee hair!

After waiting for a bit, I said goodbye to my parents and was wheeled into the surgery room, where I immediately felt like a NASCAR in a pit crew, with a bunch of different doctors and nurses working on different parts of me. A little tranquilizer and anesthesia later, I was asleep.

...And I woke up shivering with a hurting throat at around 11:30 AM. We stayed in one of the hospital rooms until 7 AM the next morning, when I was wheeled to the hospital hotel room that we would stay in until Friday. I ate a lot of food, took a lot of medication, and all in all, felt pretty good because of all the painkillers I was on.

Watching Pacers-Heat Game 7 in the hospital

Draining tubes from my knees

Where the tubes drained

Tuesday - Friday - Hospital Hotel

We spent the next few days in the hospital hotel. Each day basically went like this, with some book reading sprinkled in between the eating, exercises, and the sleeping.

9 AM - Wake up and use the bathroom. Also, breakfast.
10 AM - Daily Exercises #1
12 PM - Lunch (Fast Food / Hotel Cafeteria)
1 PM - Nap
3 PM - Daily Exercises #2
6PM - Dinner (Fast Food)
8 PM - TV (Cop Show or NBA Finals)
10 PM - Daily Exercises #3
12 AM - Sleep

Hardee's for dinner...the second time.

The days in the hotel were particularly difficult, and I was in a lot of pain doing just about everything because I was off of those awesome super-strong painkillers that I had in the hospital. Also, my knees bloated up with swelling because the draining tubes had been removed before I left the hospital. Good thing my parents were there to help me do just about everything, including doing some exercises of their own!

The hardest part of the whole ordeal was probably using the bathroom. Its awfully hard to get down on the toilet when you can't bend your legs, and even harder getting up! the first few days, I needed both of my parents to grab an arm each to drag me to my feet after being on the toilet. It's pretty funny thinking about it now, but it totally sucked then.

Friday - Going home

After stopping in at the doctor's office for physical therapy Friday morning, we drove back to Fort Wayne, where the next few days were basically spent as they were in the hotel, just with good home cooking instead of Hardee's and McDonald's. I'll post more about my time at home soon. And by soon, I mean when I feel like not procrastinating!

Sprawled out on the back seat on the way home

Previous Posts

My ACL Reconstruction
My Torn ACL

Shattered Pride

My ACL Reconstruction

Twelve hours from now, I'll be having my ACL reconstruction surgery! This whole experience feels like an adventure to me, so I'm pretty excited for this surgery and the next couple weeks of rehab (see the "what I'm looking forward to section below). I also obviously can't wait until I'm fully recovered so I can get out on the field and play! Here's a rundown of some of the details of tomorrow.

Hospital - Indiana University Health Methodist Hospital

This hospital is located in downtown Indy. Too bad Game 7 of Pacers-Heat isn't in Indy, or we would be able to hear the awesome cheering and rioting after the Pacers beat the Heat.

Surgeon - Doctor Shelbourne

I found him on this US News page of top orthopedic surgeons in Indiana. According to the ranking, Dr. Shelbourne's deemed "among the top 1% in the nation in his specialty." He specializes in knee surgeries and have done tons of ACL reconstructions. He's the Purdue team surgeon and even knows Dr. James Andrews! Pretty cool.

Procedure - ACL Reconstruction with Opposite Knee Patellar Tendon Graft

Basically, they're going to take the Patellar tendon from my good right knee and put it into my left knee as an ACL. The patellar tendon graft is the what AP and RGIII and most professional athletes get. Because the graft is coming from my opposite leg, I will need to rehab both knees to fully recover, and the patellar tendon of the graft should heal completely.

Surgery Timeline

6:30 AM - Check in at hospital
9:30 AM - Surgery
11:30 AM - Wake up with a new ACL

I'll be in the hospital until around 6 AM the next morning, so sorry ahead of time if I don't respond to the various texts of support that I am expecting from you all.

What I'm looking forward to after the surgery

- Pacers/Heat Game 7
- Reading a Dance of Dragons
- Reading Metaxes' Bonhoeffer
- Not working for 2 weeks and spending time with family

Previous Posts

My Torn ACL

Shattered Pride

My Torn ACL

Playing sports and excelling at them has always been important to me. I actually remember asking my mom as a child if we would be able to play basketball in heaven because in my mind, heaven didn't seem like that great of a place if we didn't get to play sports!

Not being able to play sports was literally my worst nightmare as a kid. I'm not sure if this is common, but when I was younger, I would attempt to think of the worst thing that could possibly happen to me then fantasize about this contrived, horrible hypothetical situation. As a young person, the worst possible thing that could happen to me, or so I thought, would be if I somehow lost my leg (or legs) and would not be able to run, jump, or play soccer and manhunt ever again. Even my childhood crush(es) doting on me and comforting me, along with all the king's horses and all the king's men, would not be able to console and comfort me in these somewhat twisted daydreams. I would imagine an empty life - one where I wouldn't ever be able to play any sports or have any fun, and one where I was useless and worthless as a person. You see, to me, my greatest quality was not my dashing good looks or intellectual supremacy - it was my above-average athleticism and unparalleled foot speed.

So you can imagine the disappointment and anxiety that flooded my mind when I was sitting on the bench after feeling my knee pop and falling down in excruciating pain, watching my team win the overnight ultimate hat tournament in Grand Rapids. I watched my athletic career flash before my eyes, remembering all the "great" things I had achieved athletically and all the even greater goals and plans I would no longer be able to accomplish. At the time, I didn't know how bad the injury was, but I could only imagine the worst - that I had a torn ACL, and unless I was supernatural and had some Purple Jesus inside of me, I would never be the same again.

All in all, I've been in pretty high spirits despite my injury. Halfway through my 6-week physical therapy rehab, my physical recovery has been promising and I'm naively optimistic about my recovery. After some reflection, I don't think that my athletic ability is a real, powerful idol in my life as it obviously was to a younger me. However, the seemingly fine line between grief and idolization still confuses me. Even though athletic ability no longer determines my self-worth, it is still a large part of my identity, especially among the people I've gotten to know in Fort Wayne, who for the first few weeks of pickup called me "Speedy G" because of my Lumberjacks jersey/shirt that I wore the first time I went. At what point does my fear of athletic inability become reflective of misaligned affections? It's hard to say.

I was hit extremely hard emotionally this week by my injury, perhaps the most emotional I got since the doctor broke the bad news of a completely torn ACL to me. On Tuesday, it was 75 and beautiful out, and the smell of the air just reminded me of ultimate. The smell of warm air and the feeling of the slightly damp, warm breeze - I wish I could more fully describe it to you, but it all just reminded me of ultimate. This is the time of the year that I usually get extremely excited to go outside and play, but this year I can't, especially if I get surgery over the summer. I guess I'll just have to find other things to occupy my time and affections for the next couple months.

Sorry if this post is a bit melo-dramatic. I'm actually doing quite well physically and emotionally most of the time. I guess I just wanted a chance to tell the interesting story of how my worst nightmare as a child actually (kind of) came true!