As mentioned in a previous post, the single most difficult obstacle in my whole ACL surgery experience has been my inability to sleep well. The soreness of my knees has made it difficult to fall asleep and painful stiffness wakes me up multiple times a night. The first couple of weeks after the surgery, I woke up around once every two or three hours, sometimes laying awake for an hour or more just begging God to put me to sleep and pleading with my body to go to sleep. The last few weeks have been much better for me, as I only wake up completely once or twice throughout the night, though my tossing-and-turning-filled sleep still hasn't been great. In the last five weeks, I have only slept once continuously for more than 6 hours, and that was after a ridiculously tiring day on my camping trip last week.
I've always taken a good night's sleep for granted. A trait inherited from my father and perfected in college, I've always had the ability to fall asleep easily anywhere at any time despite noise, light, or other distractions. Thus, I've never understood the struggle of those who have trouble sleeping and secretly considered most claims of insomnia to be gross exaggerations and general falsehoods, never expecting to experience it personally. Difficulty walking and hurting knees were expected after surgery, but I had no idea that disrupted sleep would torment me the most.
Below is a passage of The Life of Elijah, an awesomely dense book PB and I started reading together years ago and I still haven't finished. When I first read the passage weeks before my surgery, I found it very odd that AW Pink would spend a relatively large chunk of a chapter talking about the seemingly misplaced topic of sleep. In my recent struggles with sleep, I've found deep meaning in Pink's digression on the subject, realizing that I was blinded to God's grace and taking His gift of sleep for granted, and it was only in my affliction that I gained sight of how important sleep is.
I know it's a fairly long excerpt, but I highly encourage you to read it all carefully, reflecting on the state of your own heart and giving thanks to God for his mercies in your life.
"[Elijah] 'slept under a juniper tree,' v.5. But the force of that is apt to be lost upon us, in this God-dishonouring day, when there are few left who realize that 'He giveth His beloved sleep,' Psa. 127.2. It was something better than 'nature taking its course': it was the Lord refreshing the weary prophet.
How often is it now lost sight of that the Lord cares for the bodies of His saints as well as for their souls. This is more or less recognized and owned by believers in the matter of food and clothing, health and strength, but it is widely ignored by many concerning the point we are here treating of. Sleep is as imperative for our physical well-being as is food and drink, and the one is as much the gift of our heavenly Father as is the other. We cannot put ourselves to sleep by any effort of will, as those who suffer with insomnia quickly discover. Nor does the exercise and manual labour of itself ensure sleep: have you ever lain down almost exhausted and then found you were 'too tired to sleep'? Sleep is a Divine gift, but the nightly recurrence of it blinds us to the fact.
Alas, how little are we affected by the Lord's goodness and grace unto us. The unfailing recurrence of His mercies both temporally and spiritually inclines us to take them as a matter of course. So dull of understanding are we, so cold our hearts Godward, it is to be feared that most of the time we fail to realize whose loving hand it is which is ministering to us. Is not this the reason why we do not begin really to value our health until it is taken from us, and not until we spend night after night tossing upon a bed of pain do we perceive the worth of regular sleep with which we were formerly favoured? And such vile creatures are we that, when illness and insomnia come upon us, instead of improving and repenting of our former ingratitude, and humbly confessing the same to God, we murmur and complain at the hardness of our present lot and wonder what we have done to deserve such treatment. O let those of us who are still blessed with good health and regular sleep fail not daily to return thanks for such privileges and earnestly seek grace to use the strength from them to the glory of God."
- The Life of Elijah by AW Pink
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it is crazy how life circumstances can change our perspectives on things that we most take for granted.
ReplyDeleteeven for me to this day, i am just in awe of my ability to walk, and I am sure that through this experience, you have come to enjoy the many little things in life.
<3
Hi Caleb,
ReplyDeleteCounting my blessings reading your post.
I wanted to share something that this passage inspires. I believe the passage referred to with sleep is 1 Kings 19. At this point, Elijah is depressed; he had done great things in God's name which has inspired jezebel to try to kill him.
In his sadness, he asks God to kill him. But the way that God initially responds is to have him sleep and eat to recover. There is then a quick turnaround and God gives Elijah a new assignment. Thus, God has responded to sadness by prescribing rest, food, and meaningful work.
Knowing you, I trust you are continually doing God's work in your time of recovery. I hope this can somewhat encourage you to continue to rest, eat, and do His work!
I know this doesn't really connect 100% with your post, but I really felt pressed to share.