As many of you know, I've been super busy the last month with a lot of different things, so I haven't gotten the chance to post. One of those major things that took a lot of my time was preparing to speak at the AIV Fall Retreat [here's a link to my seemingly disorganized outline]. The "Fall Retreat" is what used to be the lock-in, and was held an hour and a half off campus (and only an hour from Fort Wayne!) at a sweet retreat center. I was excited and pretty well-prepared going into the talk, but as I learn every time, speaking is hard. Here are three reasons why speaking is hard and some of the lessons I learned from this experience.
1) Distractions while speaking really screw up your train of thought.
I don't know how pastors stay focused. Every turn of the head, creaking opening of the door, and slight noise from the audience triggers my "squirrel" reflex. On top of that, there's the need to suppress the mental distracted of audience members that are sleeping or not paying attention. It probably would have been much easier had the lights been bright in my face and I couldn't see any audience members, which was kind of what it was like when I spoke at Christmas Banquet. What actually helped me stay focused on what I was saying were those in the audience who were not only listening, but were actually watching me, as for some reason, the eye contact really helped (big thanks to tall Andy W, who seemed to really be paying attention and I would go back and look to for encouragement/refocusing because his eyes were fixed forwards towards me...and because he's so tall he was easy to see.
I can really see now why Pastor Jay always wanted us to be looking at him when he spoke, why teachers often told us to face forwards, and why we were often reprimanded for going to the bathroom in the middle of sermons. Sure, it was about respect and about paying attention, but I think that they probably also did it because it helped them focus and not lose their train of thought thinking about other things. My respect and amazement of Pastor Scott at Northpark has also skyrocketed, as he often preaches right through minutes of an old lady coughing. So out of love and respect for our speakers, let's try to arrive on time (and not have to walk through doors late), look at speakers, and try not to leave service unless you really have to.
2) Not knowing how you did screws with your head.
In the minutes following giving Christian talks or gospel presentations, I often think to myself, "Good Lord, I've screwed up mightily." I mentally go through all the mistakes that I made - the things I wanted to say but forgot and the things I could have said but didn't think of. After the Fall Retreat talk, I really didn't how well I connected with the audience, if the things I said were useful, and if it really benefited anyone. It's always at this point that I really get reminded of the primacy of glorifying God and a glimpse of the reality of the sovereignty of God. I'm reminded that in the end, the audience's response doesn't dictate the "success" of any talk - it's about whether or not I've been faithful to God in both preparation and delivery, and the reminder that I'm there to serve God and not man gives me some comfort. The reality of the sovereignty of God is then made very real again to me, as I have no choice but to give the result up to God, knowing that despite my mistakes and flaws, it's only God that can work in people's hearts.
3) Receiving feedback can screw with your pride.
In those times that I've prepared well, I've generally received positive feedback. And despite my self-doubt, the temptation to be prideful is deadly. I can go quickly from "I made so many mistakes: God work through it despite me" to having to remind myself, "Yes, Caleb, you are awesome and did awesome, but remember that nothing that you did means anything apart from God". Don't get me wrong. Positive feedback is great and I need it (constructive criticism would also be welcome) and it's my own heart that's the issue. Staying humble in the midst of praise is difficult, and I can't imagine the humility guys like Piper and Keller need to continually work on.
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