| Team | Pick | Grade | Reason | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Cleveland Cavaliers | Anthony Bennett | F- | Points deducted for: - Choosing Bennett. - Passing on Trey Burke. |
| 2 | Orlando Magic | Victor Oladipo | B | Points awarded for: - Choosing a stud in Oladipo. Any B1G fan knows how good he is. Points deducted for: - Passing on Trey Burke. |
| 3 | Washington Wizards | Otto Porter | F | Points deducted for: - Being the Wizards. - Passing on Trey Burke. |
| 4 | Charlotte Bobcats | Cody Zeller | F-- | Points deducted for: - Reaching for skinny, weak Cody Zeller. - Passing on Trey Burke. |
| 5 | Phoenix Suns | Alex Len | F | Points deducted for: - Passing on Trey Burke. |
| 6 | New Orleans Pelicans | Nerlens Noel | B | Points awarded for: - Not discriminating against someone with a reconstructed ACL. Points deducted for: - Being named the Pelicans. - Passing on Trey Burke. |
| 7 | Sacramento Kings | Ben McLemore | F | Points deducted for: - Choosing a non-leader onto a team without leadership. - Passing on Trey Burke, who did this against McLemore. Hah! |
| 8 | Detroit Pistons | Kentavious Caldwell-Pope | D | Points awarded for: - Choosing a player with a cool name. Points deducted for: - Passing on Trey Burke. |
| 9 | Utah Jazz (via Minnesota) | Trey Burke | A++++ | Points awarded for: - Choosing the John Wooden National POY - Choosing a Michigan Man. - Choosing the best point guard in the draft. - Being a great pick-and-roll fit for Trey. - Being willing to sacrifice two important picks for this important player. |
| 10 | Portland Trailblazers | C.J. McCollum | B | Sorry, wasn't paying attention to this pick because I was too busy being excited about Trey Burke. Here. Have a B. |
| 11 | Philadelphia 76ers | Michael-Carter Williams | D | Still wasn't really paying attention. But hey MCW, remember that Final Four game where you were supposed to shut down Trey Burke? Hah! |
| 12...21 | Who cares. Didn't know these players, and it wasn't really time for Tim Hardaway Jr to be picked yet. | |||
| 22 | Brooklyn Nets | Mason Plumlee | F | Points deducted for: - Last few Duke big men are bench-warmers. Why will Plumlee be any different? - Passing on Tim Hardaway Jr. |
| 23 | Indiana Pacers | Solomon Hill | D | Points awarded for: - Choosing a player with a Biblical name. Points deducted for: - Passing on Tim Hardaway Jr. |
| 24 | New York Knicks | Tim Hardaway Jr. | A++ | Points awarded for: - Choosing a Michigan Man. - Being a big market team that will allow for maximum exposure. Points deducted for: - The inevitable Melo ball-hogging that will reduce Timmy's opportunities. |
| 25-60 | Welp. No more reason to watch the draft! Congrats Trey and Timmy! |
Saturday, June 29, 2013
NBA Draft Grades - A Michigan Fan's Perspective
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Is Substitutionary Atonement Unjust?
Christians often take substitutionary atonement for granted. However, this essential Christian doctrine can be a stumbling block for non-Christians and a point of contention for anti-theists, as substituionary atonement seems to fly in the face of personal moral responsibility, which is what we believe society to be built upon. Here are a few introductory reasons why substitionary atonement as decreed by God isn't immoral or unjust.
If God accepts Jesus' death as punishment for our sins, doesn't that make God unjust because we didn't receive the punishment we deserved and Jesus was punished undeservedly?
1. If God defines justice, what he says is just is just.
The easiest reason that substitutionary atonement is just is "because God says so". I know it sounds like a cop-out answer, but if we presume a God that is in fact God and is the ultimate judge and definer of justice, if God says something is just, it must be so. To deviate from this conclusion, you need to either claim that God knows justice but is acting unjustly and then lying about and denying His injustice (which seems incredibly petty for an all-powerful being) or you need to admit to holding a greater knowledge of justice than God himself.
2. Jesus is God, and that changes everything.
Although it may be temping to compare substitutionary atonement with paying off someone else's debt or a Tale-of-Two-Cities-esque dying in place of another, the fact that Jesus is God, holy and morally perfect, changes everything. Jesus dying for sinners is much more than Ned Stark dying for one of his bannermen (an illustration, no spoilers) and is even much more than Ned Stark dying for a Lannister. So while it certainly seems to be true that one man dying in the place of another man is unjust, we need to remember that Jesus is no ordinary man. In fact, Christianity actually affirms that one sinful man cannot provide substitutionary atonement for another sinful man, meaning that my death cannot wipe away the penalty of your sins, nor can your death mine. Jesus' deity and moral perfection make him the only worthy substitutionary atonement, the only death God will accept in the place of a sinner's.
At this point, it is still possible to make the same objection as before - how can it be just even for a morally perfect God to die for a sinner? At this point, we must admit the greatness of the mystery and the finitude of our knowledge and say "because God says so." [See point 1].
3. Yes, it certainly is injustice, in a sense.
Upon reflection, the moral perfection of Jesus, our substitutionary atonement, seems actually to make his death even more unjust, and most Christians have been deeply moved when considering the weightiness of this matter. It is true - Christ died a death he did not deserve so that those who live for him can live lives they do not deserve. It is also true - Christ was executed after a fake trial with false testimony. So in two different senses of "injustice", there certainly is "injustice" in Christ's death for us. However, in the grand legal aspect of justification, we can rest assured that God's wrath for our sins has been satisfied.
In the end, Christ's substitionary atonement, though problematic for the non-believer, causes the Christian to be immensely and humbly grateful that we have a God that loves us so. If you have friends that are struggling with this issue, I hope that God opens their eyes and you can witness their skepticism miraculously turn to gratitude.
If God accepts Jesus' death as punishment for our sins, doesn't that make God unjust because we didn't receive the punishment we deserved and Jesus was punished undeservedly?
1. If God defines justice, what he says is just is just.
The easiest reason that substitutionary atonement is just is "because God says so". I know it sounds like a cop-out answer, but if we presume a God that is in fact God and is the ultimate judge and definer of justice, if God says something is just, it must be so. To deviate from this conclusion, you need to either claim that God knows justice but is acting unjustly and then lying about and denying His injustice (which seems incredibly petty for an all-powerful being) or you need to admit to holding a greater knowledge of justice than God himself.
2. Jesus is God, and that changes everything.
Although it may be temping to compare substitutionary atonement with paying off someone else's debt or a Tale-of-Two-Cities-esque dying in place of another, the fact that Jesus is God, holy and morally perfect, changes everything. Jesus dying for sinners is much more than Ned Stark dying for one of his bannermen (an illustration, no spoilers) and is even much more than Ned Stark dying for a Lannister. So while it certainly seems to be true that one man dying in the place of another man is unjust, we need to remember that Jesus is no ordinary man. In fact, Christianity actually affirms that one sinful man cannot provide substitutionary atonement for another sinful man, meaning that my death cannot wipe away the penalty of your sins, nor can your death mine. Jesus' deity and moral perfection make him the only worthy substitutionary atonement, the only death God will accept in the place of a sinner's.
At this point, it is still possible to make the same objection as before - how can it be just even for a morally perfect God to die for a sinner? At this point, we must admit the greatness of the mystery and the finitude of our knowledge and say "because God says so." [See point 1].
3. Yes, it certainly is injustice, in a sense.
Upon reflection, the moral perfection of Jesus, our substitutionary atonement, seems actually to make his death even more unjust, and most Christians have been deeply moved when considering the weightiness of this matter. It is true - Christ died a death he did not deserve so that those who live for him can live lives they do not deserve. It is also true - Christ was executed after a fake trial with false testimony. So in two different senses of "injustice", there certainly is "injustice" in Christ's death for us. However, in the grand legal aspect of justification, we can rest assured that God's wrath for our sins has been satisfied.
In the end, Christ's substitionary atonement, though problematic for the non-believer, causes the Christian to be immensely and humbly grateful that we have a God that loves us so. If you have friends that are struggling with this issue, I hope that God opens their eyes and you can witness their skepticism miraculously turn to gratitude.
And can it be that I should gain
an interest in the Savior's blood!
Died he for me? who caused his pain!
For me? who him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be
that thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be
that thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Monday, June 17, 2013
ACL Post-Surgery Week 2
Today is the two week anniversary of my surgery. Since last Friday, I've been staying in my apartment with my Mom, and since there really hasn't been anything exciting or that different from my last post, I'll just update a bit about my progress.
Progress
Walking - I can walk much more normal now, and can walk a bit longer than I could last week, where I was basically only walking to the bathroom and back.
Sitting - Kind of surprisingly to me, sitting has been more uncomfortable than I expected, and I can't seem to sit for more than an hour or two. I think its a combination of the compression of my tube socks on swelling and having my legs bent for a long time, but it's hard to say what exactly the problem is. I was expecting to return to work this week, but since I can't sit for long, I think I'm going to wait a bit more before I go to work.
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| What my scars look like right now |
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| Some interesting bruising on my ACL leg |
Hardships
Sleeping - I've had difficulty sleeping the last two weeks mainly because I move a lot in my sleep, and I wake up every time I shift positions because of the soreness of my knees. I wake up a few times a night, every two hours or so, moaning and groaning and shifting positions. It's pretty frustrating and annoying not being able to sleep well, but I make up my poor sleep with daily naps.
Social Withdrawal - For an extrovert like me, being locked up in a room for two weeks isn't easy, even with my parents to keep my company. Having people over for Bible study this week and going to watch pickup were super exciting for me and provided a huge emotional lift.
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| Watching friends playing ultimate |
Next Steps
I'm going in for my two week checkup at the doctor's office tomorrow, and I'm hoping that I'll be cleared to drive and maybe not have to wear these fashionable yet annoying tube socks anymore.
I'm going in for my two week checkup at the doctor's office tomorrow, and I'm hoping that I'll be cleared to drive and maybe not have to wear these fashionable yet annoying tube socks anymore.
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| Tube socks for compression I've been wearing for the last two weeks. |
Previous Posts
Thursday, June 13, 2013
ACL Post-Surgery Week 1
As usual, this post is a few days late. Here's a recap of what my first week post-surgery was like, along with some fun pictures. Thanks for all the texts and phone calls of concern and encouragement. They've meant a lot!
Monday - Surgery Day
Having stayed the previous night in the hospital hotel connected to the hospital, I arrived at the outpatient surgery center at 7 AM. Before long, I was brought to the back for surgery prep, changing into the fashionable surgery gown, having my IV inserted (which was very uncomfortable), and having my knees shaved.
After waiting for a bit, I said goodbye to my parents and was wheeled into the surgery room, where I immediately felt like a NASCAR in a pit crew, with a bunch of different doctors and nurses working on different parts of me. A little tranquilizer and anesthesia later, I was asleep.
...And I woke up shivering with a hurting throat at around 11:30 AM. We stayed in one of the hospital rooms until 7 AM the next morning, when I was wheeled to the hospital hotel room that we would stay in until Friday. I ate a lot of food, took a lot of medication, and all in all, felt pretty good because of all the painkillers I was on.
Tuesday - Friday - Hospital Hotel
We spent the next few days in the hospital hotel. Each day basically went like this, with some book reading sprinkled in between the eating, exercises, and the sleeping.
9 AM - Wake up and use the bathroom. Also, breakfast.
10 AM - Daily Exercises #1
12 PM - Lunch (Fast Food / Hotel Cafeteria)
1 PM - Nap
3 PM - Daily Exercises #2
6PM - Dinner (Fast Food)
8 PM - TV (Cop Show or NBA Finals)
10 PM - Daily Exercises #3
12 AM - Sleep
The days in the hotel were particularly difficult, and I was in a lot of pain doing just about everything because I was off of those awesome super-strong painkillers that I had in the hospital. Also, my knees bloated up with swelling because the draining tubes had been removed before I left the hospital. Good thing my parents were there to help me do just about everything, including doing some exercises of their own!
The hardest part of the whole ordeal was probably using the bathroom. Its awfully hard to get down on the toilet when you can't bend your legs, and even harder getting up! the first few days, I needed both of my parents to grab an arm each to drag me to my feet after being on the toilet. It's pretty funny thinking about it now, but it totally sucked then.
Friday - Going home
After stopping in at the doctor's office for physical therapy Friday morning, we drove back to Fort Wayne, where the next few days were basically spent as they were in the hotel, just with good home cooking instead of Hardee's and McDonald's. I'll post more about my time at home soon. And by soon, I mean when I feel like not procrastinating!
Monday - Surgery Day
Having stayed the previous night in the hospital hotel connected to the hospital, I arrived at the outpatient surgery center at 7 AM. Before long, I was brought to the back for surgery prep, changing into the fashionable surgery gown, having my IV inserted (which was very uncomfortable), and having my knees shaved.
 |
| Just seeing this picture makes me queesy |
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| They shaved all my knee hair! |
After waiting for a bit, I said goodbye to my parents and was wheeled into the surgery room, where I immediately felt like a NASCAR in a pit crew, with a bunch of different doctors and nurses working on different parts of me. A little tranquilizer and anesthesia later, I was asleep.
...And I woke up shivering with a hurting throat at around 11:30 AM. We stayed in one of the hospital rooms until 7 AM the next morning, when I was wheeled to the hospital hotel room that we would stay in until Friday. I ate a lot of food, took a lot of medication, and all in all, felt pretty good because of all the painkillers I was on.
 |
| Watching Pacers-Heat Game 7 in the hospital |
 |  | |
| Draining tubes from my knees | Where the tubes drained |
Tuesday - Friday - Hospital Hotel
We spent the next few days in the hospital hotel. Each day basically went like this, with some book reading sprinkled in between the eating, exercises, and the sleeping.
9 AM - Wake up and use the bathroom. Also, breakfast.
10 AM - Daily Exercises #1
12 PM - Lunch (Fast Food / Hotel Cafeteria)
1 PM - Nap
3 PM - Daily Exercises #2
6PM - Dinner (Fast Food)
8 PM - TV (Cop Show or NBA Finals)
10 PM - Daily Exercises #3
12 AM - Sleep
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| Hardee's for dinner...the second time. |
The days in the hotel were particularly difficult, and I was in a lot of pain doing just about everything because I was off of those awesome super-strong painkillers that I had in the hospital. Also, my knees bloated up with swelling because the draining tubes had been removed before I left the hospital. Good thing my parents were there to help me do just about everything, including doing some exercises of their own!
The hardest part of the whole ordeal was probably using the bathroom. Its awfully hard to get down on the toilet when you can't bend your legs, and even harder getting up! the first few days, I needed both of my parents to grab an arm each to drag me to my feet after being on the toilet. It's pretty funny thinking about it now, but it totally sucked then.
Friday - Going home
After stopping in at the doctor's office for physical therapy Friday morning, we drove back to Fort Wayne, where the next few days were basically spent as they were in the hotel, just with good home cooking instead of Hardee's and McDonald's. I'll post more about my time at home soon. And by soon, I mean when I feel like not procrastinating!
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| Sprawled out on the back seat on the way home |
Previous Posts
Sunday, June 2, 2013
My ACL Reconstruction
Twelve hours from now, I'll be having my ACL reconstruction surgery! This whole experience feels like an adventure to me, so I'm pretty excited for this surgery and the next couple weeks of rehab (see the "what I'm looking forward to section below). I also obviously can't wait until I'm fully recovered so I can get out on the field and play! Here's a rundown of some of the details of tomorrow.
Hospital - Indiana University Health Methodist Hospital
This hospital is located in downtown Indy. Too bad Game 7 of Pacers-Heat isn't in Indy, or we would be able to hear the awesome cheering and rioting after the Pacers beat the Heat.
Surgeon - Doctor Shelbourne
I found him on this US News page of top orthopedic surgeons in Indiana. According to the ranking, Dr. Shelbourne's deemed "among the top 1% in the nation in his specialty." He specializes in knee surgeries and have done tons of ACL reconstructions. He's the Purdue team surgeon and even knows Dr. James Andrews! Pretty cool.
Procedure - ACL Reconstruction with Opposite Knee Patellar Tendon Graft
Basically, they're going to take the Patellar tendon from my good right knee and put it into my left knee as an ACL. The patellar tendon graft is the what AP and RGIII and most professional athletes get. Because the graft is coming from my opposite leg, I will need to rehab both knees to fully recover, and the patellar tendon of the graft should heal completely.
Surgery Timeline
6:30 AM - Check in at hospital
9:30 AM - Surgery
11:30 AM - Wake up with a new ACL
I'll be in the hospital until around 6 AM the next morning, so sorry ahead of time if I don't respond to the various texts of support that I am expecting from you all.
What I'm looking forward to after the surgery
- Pacers/Heat Game 7
- Reading a Dance of Dragons
- Reading Metaxes' Bonhoeffer
- Not working for 2 weeks and spending time with family
Hospital - Indiana University Health Methodist Hospital
This hospital is located in downtown Indy. Too bad Game 7 of Pacers-Heat isn't in Indy, or we would be able to hear the awesome cheering and rioting after the Pacers beat the Heat.
Surgeon - Doctor Shelbourne
I found him on this US News page of top orthopedic surgeons in Indiana. According to the ranking, Dr. Shelbourne's deemed "among the top 1% in the nation in his specialty." He specializes in knee surgeries and have done tons of ACL reconstructions. He's the Purdue team surgeon and even knows Dr. James Andrews! Pretty cool.
Procedure - ACL Reconstruction with Opposite Knee Patellar Tendon Graft
Basically, they're going to take the Patellar tendon from my good right knee and put it into my left knee as an ACL. The patellar tendon graft is the what AP and RGIII and most professional athletes get. Because the graft is coming from my opposite leg, I will need to rehab both knees to fully recover, and the patellar tendon of the graft should heal completely.
Surgery Timeline
6:30 AM - Check in at hospital
9:30 AM - Surgery
11:30 AM - Wake up with a new ACL
I'll be in the hospital until around 6 AM the next morning, so sorry ahead of time if I don't respond to the various texts of support that I am expecting from you all.
What I'm looking forward to after the surgery
- Pacers/Heat Game 7
- Reading a Dance of Dragons
- Reading Metaxes' Bonhoeffer
- Not working for 2 weeks and spending time with family
Previous Posts
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Blown Away by a Wedding
Three weeks ago, I flew to NJ to attend a college friend's wedding, the first in an upcoming season of them. Everything about the wedding was awesome - witnessing the wedding, seeing old friends, and watching Michigan beat Syracuse in the Final Four. But more than anything, I was blown away by the love displayed at the wedding. Here's the journal entry that I wrote on my way back to Fort Wayne. Happy three week anniversary, Ann and Andrew!
"On the plane right now, on the ride back to AA. First time I'm going to be able to think and reflect on the wedding. My overall impression of it is how in the world can two people love each other that much? Their affection for one another was plain and evident, and I couldn't help but be down into the deep emotions of the wedding, tearing up as Ann cried while Andrew prayed over them. How deep a love and friendship that they have! It's a love and a relationship so deep that I'm certain I've never experienced it before, and I even have a hard time imagining feeling that way about someone else. They way Andrew looked at her, spoke to her, and even touched her reflected a love and care clearly deeper than one I have ever felt in my life. I must admit that for moments here and there, I was slightly jealous of Andrew, marrying a beautiful and God-loving girl. But more than anything, if I was jealous, I was jealous of Andrew's character, of seeing the man that he had become. His love and gentleness, dignity and integrity are traits that I only have shadows of. He is a man for me to imitate, though it may be painful for me to admit.
I particularly liked their vows, when they vowed to love each other "second only to their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." And my oh my. If their love for one another is that deep, I can only imagine their love for Christ! Indeed, the wedding ceremony and reception were gloriously Christ-centered and slyly evangelistic, but I imagine and envy the reflected depth of a personal relationship with their Savior. Interestingly enough, their wedding revived my spirit, my desire to know my Creator, rather than a revival of a desire to know romance again, as one might expect. In fact, the seeming transcendence of their love for one another makes me wonder if I even have the capacity within to love as they do. And for this reason, I fully believe that marriage is truly a miracle, only achieved through the miraculous grace of God.
It certainly is no coincidence that I have been going through Ephesians 5 for my quiet times, as I am extremely encouraged that Christ is the groom of the Church. This imagery hasn't meant much to me in the past, but seeing Andrew has deepened, even if only slightly, my appreciation for this. For if Andrew, a mere human, loves his wife as much as he does, I can only imagine not imagine how much Christ loves the church. If the love shared between two humans can be so deep and profound, how much more does Christ love us! Indeed, the imagery of Christ as the groom and the church as His bride is appropriate and fitting, but I have never understood it much until now!
Going to Ann and Andrew's wedding was such a blessing, revealing a transcendent, amazing love that I have yet to experience pointing to an even greater, amazing, and incomprehensible love that is bestowed without obligation, given without request. And if I am to remain single, my love for my Savior must mimic - no - surpass the love displayed on Saturday afternoon."
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Missing Memories
[Sort of a meta-note: Look for me to update here more than I have the last few months, mainly because I need something to occupy the time I used to spend exercising.]
For some reason, yesterday night as I laid in bed before I fell asleep, I was trying to remember what my high school was like. I tried to remember where my homeroom was, where my classes were, and where my lockers were. And for the life of me, I couldn't. I tried to walk my brain through the hallways of the school as I tried to piece together the random memories I still had of MHS, but I was coming up blank.
And just like the crybaby I seem to have become these last few weeks, I got really emotional that I could barely remember the building that I spent 4 years walking through. To be honest, I wasn't really sure why it made me so upset that I couldn't remember anything about my high school, as I barely even reminisce on my high school experience. Being really tired probably contributed to it, along with the fact that I had just watched Spirited Away again before going to bed. After all, I certainly didn't want to lose the memory of who I was and become a slave to Ubaba forever! I guess the lingering emotions from the movie compounded with late-night irrationality made my incomplete recall feel like I had lost a part of myself that could never recover again. [Actually this fear of the irretrievability of thoughts is the reason I started my blog! Check out my first post ever!]
After I spent a few minutes lamenting my missing memories, I decided to test myself and to see if I could mentally walk through different places, like my house, MCCC, and how to get to ShopRite and Maggie's house from back home. It's actually quite amazing how the brain is able to be it's own little Google Maps, complete with StreetView and everything. And I tried again to do a walkthrough of Manalapan High, but I just couldn't piece together a full picture. I would mentally walk through a hallway, only to reach its end, staring into a black void that my brain's Google Maps refused to load. I tried to recall how I got to key locations of the school such as the auditorium, gym, and cafeteria, but as before, the dots just wouldn't connect.
It's a weird feeling - knowing that you once knew something but no longer know it at all and have no hope of remembering it again (making it significantly different from the "tip of the tongue" experience). And it's kind of scary acknowledging that my memory of things past - of who I was and what I did - will continue to fade as I grow older. It really does feel like you're losing pieces of yourself little by little, and there's really not much you can do to stop those memories from fading. I wonder if after we die, we will have our memories fully restored and will be able to watch our lives back in rewind. I know that we will need to give an accounting for all that we do in our lives, but I can't say for certain if we will carry those memories with us in eternity. And really, I don't even know if would want to.
What do you guys think? Will we have a fully self-enlightened consciousness and recall the things before death or will we be so busy chilling with Jesus that we don't even bother remembering the things of this world?
For some reason, yesterday night as I laid in bed before I fell asleep, I was trying to remember what my high school was like. I tried to remember where my homeroom was, where my classes were, and where my lockers were. And for the life of me, I couldn't. I tried to walk my brain through the hallways of the school as I tried to piece together the random memories I still had of MHS, but I was coming up blank.
And just like the crybaby I seem to have become these last few weeks, I got really emotional that I could barely remember the building that I spent 4 years walking through. To be honest, I wasn't really sure why it made me so upset that I couldn't remember anything about my high school, as I barely even reminisce on my high school experience. Being really tired probably contributed to it, along with the fact that I had just watched Spirited Away again before going to bed. After all, I certainly didn't want to lose the memory of who I was and become a slave to Ubaba forever! I guess the lingering emotions from the movie compounded with late-night irrationality made my incomplete recall feel like I had lost a part of myself that could never recover again. [Actually this fear of the irretrievability of thoughts is the reason I started my blog! Check out my first post ever!]
After I spent a few minutes lamenting my missing memories, I decided to test myself and to see if I could mentally walk through different places, like my house, MCCC, and how to get to ShopRite and Maggie's house from back home. It's actually quite amazing how the brain is able to be it's own little Google Maps, complete with StreetView and everything. And I tried again to do a walkthrough of Manalapan High, but I just couldn't piece together a full picture. I would mentally walk through a hallway, only to reach its end, staring into a black void that my brain's Google Maps refused to load. I tried to recall how I got to key locations of the school such as the auditorium, gym, and cafeteria, but as before, the dots just wouldn't connect.
It's a weird feeling - knowing that you once knew something but no longer know it at all and have no hope of remembering it again (making it significantly different from the "tip of the tongue" experience). And it's kind of scary acknowledging that my memory of things past - of who I was and what I did - will continue to fade as I grow older. It really does feel like you're losing pieces of yourself little by little, and there's really not much you can do to stop those memories from fading. I wonder if after we die, we will have our memories fully restored and will be able to watch our lives back in rewind. I know that we will need to give an accounting for all that we do in our lives, but I can't say for certain if we will carry those memories with us in eternity. And really, I don't even know if would want to.
What do you guys think? Will we have a fully self-enlightened consciousness and recall the things before death or will we be so busy chilling with Jesus that we don't even bother remembering the things of this world?
Monday, April 15, 2013
Shattered Pride
Yesterday, I blew out my knee again - even worse than the first time. Because my knee felt pretty strong and I could lightly jog easily, I decided to play some easy, casual ultimate with people. I don't really remember what happened, but one moment I was catching the disc, and the next moment I felt my knee pop multiple times like bubble wrap, and I was on the ground again in excruciating pain. After the initial blinding pain faded, the emotions of what just happened struck me hard, much harder than even when I initially tore my ACL. I wept as I was carried off the field and wept as I sat on the sideline. I wept as I broke the news to my mom, and wept alone in my apartment.
Trying to process everything, I've been puzzled by the uncontrollable emotion springing from within me, especially because I didn't ever feel this way about the ACL tear. In a God-given moment of lucidity, I realized that even more than the grief of a broken knee, I am reeling from a broken pride. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a supreme, and often sinful, sense of self-confidence. A self-confidence that had me believing that I would beat the odds and not require surgery for a full recovery. A self-confidence that gave me the illusion of invincibility. Before yesterday, I truly did not believe that something like this would happen. But it did.
And in an instant, all the remaining pride I had in me was shattered. The pride in my seemingly fast recovery. Pop. Gone. The pride of my admirably high spirits despite my difficult circumstances. Pop. Gone. The pride in my tough-guy attitude and grittiness. Pop. Gone. I was reduced from a smiling, happy, positive man with his held high to a physically and emotionally broken boy, slumped over and crying on the sideline.
And I hate it. I hate being weak. I hate that I cried in front of everyone, and I hate that I killed the mood on the field. I hate that I couldn't do what I thought was the "mature", "Christian" thing to do, and to smile through the disappointment because I trusted God. I hate that I had been self-confident when people asked me how my knee was doing, only to have my ironically optimistic answers thrown back in my face. I hate the conspicuous clanking of my crutches that herald the arrival of a cripple, and I hate having to repeatedly explain my pitiful situation to well-meaning colleagues. Even worse than being weak, I hate being weak in front of other people.
So what do you do when your true, weak self is exposed for what it is? What do you do when everything that goes wrong is your own fault, and you have no one else to blame? What do you do when guilt, shame, and regret unceasingly haunt you? I'm not going to pretend like I know the answers, but I'm glad I know One who does. To God be the glory.
Trying to process everything, I've been puzzled by the uncontrollable emotion springing from within me, especially because I didn't ever feel this way about the ACL tear. In a God-given moment of lucidity, I realized that even more than the grief of a broken knee, I am reeling from a broken pride. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a supreme, and often sinful, sense of self-confidence. A self-confidence that had me believing that I would beat the odds and not require surgery for a full recovery. A self-confidence that gave me the illusion of invincibility. Before yesterday, I truly did not believe that something like this would happen. But it did.
And in an instant, all the remaining pride I had in me was shattered. The pride in my seemingly fast recovery. Pop. Gone. The pride of my admirably high spirits despite my difficult circumstances. Pop. Gone. The pride in my tough-guy attitude and grittiness. Pop. Gone. I was reduced from a smiling, happy, positive man with his held high to a physically and emotionally broken boy, slumped over and crying on the sideline.
And I hate it. I hate being weak. I hate that I cried in front of everyone, and I hate that I killed the mood on the field. I hate that I couldn't do what I thought was the "mature", "Christian" thing to do, and to smile through the disappointment because I trusted God. I hate that I had been self-confident when people asked me how my knee was doing, only to have my ironically optimistic answers thrown back in my face. I hate the conspicuous clanking of my crutches that herald the arrival of a cripple, and I hate having to repeatedly explain my pitiful situation to well-meaning colleagues. Even worse than being weak, I hate being weak in front of other people.
So what do you do when your true, weak self is exposed for what it is? What do you do when everything that goes wrong is your own fault, and you have no one else to blame? What do you do when guilt, shame, and regret unceasingly haunt you? I'm not going to pretend like I know the answers, but I'm glad I know One who does. To God be the glory.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Thursday, April 11, 2013
My Torn ACL
Playing sports and excelling at them has always been important to me. I actually remember asking my mom as a child if we would be able to play basketball in heaven because in my mind, heaven didn't seem like that great of a place if we didn't get to play sports!
Not being able to play sports was literally my worst nightmare as a kid. I'm not sure if this is common, but when I was younger, I would attempt to think of the worst thing that could possibly happen to me then fantasize about this contrived, horrible hypothetical situation. As a young person, the worst possible thing that could happen to me, or so I thought, would be if I somehow lost my leg (or legs) and would not be able to run, jump, or play soccer and manhunt ever again. Even my childhood crush(es) doting on me and comforting me, along with all the king's horses and all the king's men, would not be able to console and comfort me in these somewhat twisted daydreams. I would imagine an empty life - one where I wouldn't ever be able to play any sports or have any fun, and one where I was useless and worthless as a person. You see, to me, my greatest quality was not my dashing good looks or intellectual supremacy - it was my above-average athleticism and unparalleled foot speed.
So you can imagine the disappointment and anxiety that flooded my mind when I was sitting on the bench after feeling my knee pop and falling down in excruciating pain, watching my team win the overnight ultimate hat tournament in Grand Rapids. I watched my athletic career flash before my eyes, remembering all the "great" things I had achieved athletically and all the even greater goals and plans I would no longer be able to accomplish. At the time, I didn't know how bad the injury was, but I could only imagine the worst - that I had a torn ACL, and unless I was supernatural and had some Purple Jesus inside of me, I would never be the same again.
All in all, I've been in pretty high spirits despite my injury. Halfway through my 6-week physical therapy rehab, my physical recovery has been promising and I'm naively optimistic about my recovery. After some reflection, I don't think that my athletic ability is a real, powerful idol in my life as it obviously was to a younger me. However, the seemingly fine line between grief and idolization still confuses me. Even though athletic ability no longer determines my self-worth, it is still a large part of my identity, especially among the people I've gotten to know in Fort Wayne, who for the first few weeks of pickup called me "Speedy G" because of my Lumberjacks jersey/shirt that I wore the first time I went. At what point does my fear of athletic inability become reflective of misaligned affections? It's hard to say.
I was hit extremely hard emotionally this week by my injury, perhaps the most emotional I got since the doctor broke the bad news of a completely torn ACL to me. On Tuesday, it was 75 and beautiful out, and the smell of the air just reminded me of ultimate. The smell of warm air and the feeling of the slightly damp, warm breeze - I wish I could more fully describe it to you, but it all just reminded me of ultimate. This is the time of the year that I usually get extremely excited to go outside and play, but this year I can't, especially if I get surgery over the summer. I guess I'll just have to find other things to occupy my time and affections for the next couple months.
Sorry if this post is a bit melo-dramatic. I'm actually doing quite well physically and emotionally most of the time. I guess I just wanted a chance to tell the interesting story of how my worst nightmare as a child actually (kind of) came true!
Not being able to play sports was literally my worst nightmare as a kid. I'm not sure if this is common, but when I was younger, I would attempt to think of the worst thing that could possibly happen to me then fantasize about this contrived, horrible hypothetical situation. As a young person, the worst possible thing that could happen to me, or so I thought, would be if I somehow lost my leg (or legs) and would not be able to run, jump, or play soccer and manhunt ever again. Even my childhood crush(es) doting on me and comforting me, along with all the king's horses and all the king's men, would not be able to console and comfort me in these somewhat twisted daydreams. I would imagine an empty life - one where I wouldn't ever be able to play any sports or have any fun, and one where I was useless and worthless as a person. You see, to me, my greatest quality was not my dashing good looks or intellectual supremacy - it was my above-average athleticism and unparalleled foot speed.
So you can imagine the disappointment and anxiety that flooded my mind when I was sitting on the bench after feeling my knee pop and falling down in excruciating pain, watching my team win the overnight ultimate hat tournament in Grand Rapids. I watched my athletic career flash before my eyes, remembering all the "great" things I had achieved athletically and all the even greater goals and plans I would no longer be able to accomplish. At the time, I didn't know how bad the injury was, but I could only imagine the worst - that I had a torn ACL, and unless I was supernatural and had some Purple Jesus inside of me, I would never be the same again.
All in all, I've been in pretty high spirits despite my injury. Halfway through my 6-week physical therapy rehab, my physical recovery has been promising and I'm naively optimistic about my recovery. After some reflection, I don't think that my athletic ability is a real, powerful idol in my life as it obviously was to a younger me. However, the seemingly fine line between grief and idolization still confuses me. Even though athletic ability no longer determines my self-worth, it is still a large part of my identity, especially among the people I've gotten to know in Fort Wayne, who for the first few weeks of pickup called me "Speedy G" because of my Lumberjacks jersey/shirt that I wore the first time I went. At what point does my fear of athletic inability become reflective of misaligned affections? It's hard to say.
I was hit extremely hard emotionally this week by my injury, perhaps the most emotional I got since the doctor broke the bad news of a completely torn ACL to me. On Tuesday, it was 75 and beautiful out, and the smell of the air just reminded me of ultimate. The smell of warm air and the feeling of the slightly damp, warm breeze - I wish I could more fully describe it to you, but it all just reminded me of ultimate. This is the time of the year that I usually get extremely excited to go outside and play, but this year I can't, especially if I get surgery over the summer. I guess I'll just have to find other things to occupy my time and affections for the next couple months.
Sorry if this post is a bit melo-dramatic. I'm actually doing quite well physically and emotionally most of the time. I guess I just wanted a chance to tell the interesting story of how my worst nightmare as a child actually (kind of) came true!
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Utopia, IRC, and Global Friendships
Some of you may know the old school in-browser, text-based game called Utopia. I picked up Utopia again around a year ago after getting an email from them, landing in a super-ghetto kingdom that worked its way up to be a decent kingdom. The king was insistent on using IRC for kingdom communication, which has let to real relationships and conversations with the different players in our kingdom (which is Moar Pink Kittehs Nao aka MPKN).
And it's been awesome. It's awesome to get to "meet" people from all over the world. I got to know people from the Netherlands, Australia, Canada, Sweden, Israel, China, etc. Urbana, along with Paul Borthwick's globally-minded missions book, grew in me a desire to get to know people from different parts of the world, as I became convinced that I could make a global impact without even going overseas, as the displacement of peoples and immigration along with the worldwide connectedness via the Internet is bringing the world to our fingertips.
Using IRC to connect with people through the game has been priceless. As I'm typing this up right now, a veteran in our kingdom from the Netherlands is chatting with a newbie from Australia, as they just found out that they are both marine biologist divers, and actually worked on the same small island at the same time (though they didn't actually meet there)!! I must admit that this is what has finally driven me to stop procrastinating and write this post that I've had sitting in my head for some time now. It's just been really fun listening in on a British guy and an Australian guy argue about how racist Australians are, and it was fun for me to argue with both of them to argue about our American measurement system.
It's just been a joy getting to know people in other countries. It's been fun hearing about different jobs that people have, from the "boring" ones to the interesting stuff - sports rehab with the disabled, coral reef restoration, construction work, etc. It's awesome hearing about other cultures and ways of living - to hear about an Israeli's opinion on Americans, a Vietnamese's experience of living Australia, and a Westerner's approach to learning Chinese while in China. It was surprising how good everyone's English was, even if English wasn't their first language, and it is also very interesting to observe linguistic differences in the way we all speak/type English.
My kingdom is in a rebuilding phase right now, as we've had a couple of tough losses these last few months. A bunch of our previous players have left the game or are taking a break from it. It's been hard losing contact with real people that I've talked to and built friendships with, knowing that I may never speak to them again. As stupid as it might sound, the relationships we build are real - people share real-life struggles like disease and grief. Maybe I'm just more prone to relational attachment so losing players and rebuilding the kingdom has been tough on me emotionally, but I'm so thankful for this opportunity to get to build real relationships with people from all around the world. It's been awesome.
[In the slight chance that any of you, whether veterans or newbies, are looking for a Utopia kingdom, ask for fobbymaster on #pinkkittehs on UtoNet, or just holler at me.]
So this just happened. I mention church every so often (to the collective internet groans of my kingdom mates), but I don't think I've ever had anyone say "Jesus may bless ur fuckin ass before" to me before!
And it's been awesome. It's awesome to get to "meet" people from all over the world. I got to know people from the Netherlands, Australia, Canada, Sweden, Israel, China, etc. Urbana, along with Paul Borthwick's globally-minded missions book, grew in me a desire to get to know people from different parts of the world, as I became convinced that I could make a global impact without even going overseas, as the displacement of peoples and immigration along with the worldwide connectedness via the Internet is bringing the world to our fingertips.
Using IRC to connect with people through the game has been priceless. As I'm typing this up right now, a veteran in our kingdom from the Netherlands is chatting with a newbie from Australia, as they just found out that they are both marine biologist divers, and actually worked on the same small island at the same time (though they didn't actually meet there)!! I must admit that this is what has finally driven me to stop procrastinating and write this post that I've had sitting in my head for some time now. It's just been really fun listening in on a British guy and an Australian guy argue about how racist Australians are, and it was fun for me to argue with both of them to argue about our American measurement system.
It's just been a joy getting to know people in other countries. It's been fun hearing about different jobs that people have, from the "boring" ones to the interesting stuff - sports rehab with the disabled, coral reef restoration, construction work, etc. It's awesome hearing about other cultures and ways of living - to hear about an Israeli's opinion on Americans, a Vietnamese's experience of living Australia, and a Westerner's approach to learning Chinese while in China. It was surprising how good everyone's English was, even if English wasn't their first language, and it is also very interesting to observe linguistic differences in the way we all speak/type English.
My kingdom is in a rebuilding phase right now, as we've had a couple of tough losses these last few months. A bunch of our previous players have left the game or are taking a break from it. It's been hard losing contact with real people that I've talked to and built friendships with, knowing that I may never speak to them again. As stupid as it might sound, the relationships we build are real - people share real-life struggles like disease and grief. Maybe I'm just more prone to relational attachment so losing players and rebuilding the kingdom has been tough on me emotionally, but I'm so thankful for this opportunity to get to build real relationships with people from all around the world. It's been awesome.
[In the slight chance that any of you, whether veterans or newbies, are looking for a Utopia kingdom, ask for fobbymaster on #pinkkittehs on UtoNet, or just holler at me.]
So this just happened. I mention church every so often (to the collective internet groans of my kingdom mates), but I don't think I've ever had anyone say "Jesus may bless ur fuckin ass before" to me before!
fobbymaster: i gtg sleep. just past midnight, and i gotta get up for church tomorrow
Israeli: holy man!!
Israeli: jesus may bless ur fuckin ass (:
fobbymaster: lol gotta get my Jesus time.
Israeli: iam jew
Israeli: but!
Israeli: go get ur jesus time (:
fobbymaster: haha. so was jesus.
fobbymaster: lolol
Israeli: send a pray for me too (:
Israeli: any god will do
fobbymaster: hehe okay
Israeli: gn mate
fobbymaster: talk to you tomorrow
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