Urbana 2012 - New Friends

One of my favorite things about this Urbana was the amount of people I got to reconnect with and the amount of new people I got to meet. I've always loved making new friends, but this time it just felt different. Even though I often introduce myself to people either out of a sense of obligation to make people feel comfortable and welcome or selfishness for being well-known, I've still always enjoyed getting to know new people. But the huge amount of joy and encouragement I got from meeting new people this Urbana was very peculiar and unusual.

I realized that my unusual excitement from making new friends is probably because I really haven't had many of those experiences this last year in Fort Wayne. I've definitely made some friends in Fort Wayne, but I haven't had the opportunity to see someone and chat with them every day, like you might a new college friend. I haven't connected culturally with many people here, and I haven't made a friend with (or even met) a single Asian-American Christian in the year that I've been here. All in all, I've just missed making friends.

And to a point, I even feel desperate. I felt the unfamiliar need inside of me to get to know other people. I really wanted other people to be my friends. And this was kind of new to me. Pardon my pride, but I've thought of it kind of like "You should want to be friends with me, not the other way around, because it's a privilege to be friends with me. Don't you know? I'm friends with everyone! Get in line." Okay that was somewhat of an exaggeration, but still. I've never felt the need to make new friendships, as I already have a solid group of guys around me that I can go to with anything. But through Urbana, and now afterwards, there's been a hunger inside me for getting to know new people, and getting to know them beyond surface level.

This is all incredibly hard to explain, and probably awkward for you to read, so I'll give you a concrete example which may or may not make this entire post more awkward (also depending on who you are). I met a bunch of Duke IV students who were Asian and did Bible study with them in the morning. For me, instant connection. New Asian American friends? I haven't had those in a year! And Christians too? Bonus!! After getting a chance to chat with them a few times during Urbana week, I felt like they were my friends. Like. Friends. People that I'm invested emotionally in, not just random people I met during some giant Christian conference. I took every opportunity to chat with them when I saw them, and I even stopped by where they were hanging out right before Urbana finished just so I could say hi/bye.

If you know me, you know that I'm a "horrible friend", one that doesn't ask about how you're doing often, doesn't share much about my life on my own initiative, and really doesn't make that much effort to stay in touch all the time. But as I've been chatting with one of the Duke dudes occasionally and corresponding with some of the other people I met from their chapter, I've initiated every time and tried to maintain long, quality conversations. And through it all, I can't help asking myself, "What is wrong with me?". This is probably the wrong word, but I feel horribly "clingy", trying to hold on to a "friendship" that I know will more likely than not end up as merely a Facebook friendship. I feel like I need to keep a connection with these people, or I'll lose out on something, possibly because these are potentially the only new friends with "potential" that I'll meet in a while.

For all of you who are reading this that I keep regular contact with, don't feel betrayed. You know that I love you. It's not you it's me. Maybe we should start seeing other people. Okay that last one isn't true. But you I know I love you guys and I know I can tell you guys anything, but that's also part of why this whole issue is so confusing to me. Why do I need new friends when I've already got awesome ones? I think that part of me  loves the platonic "thrill of the chase", getting to meet someone new and hear their story, which is something I got to do a lot in college through outreach and NSO but not a whole lot this last year in Fort Wayne.

And if you're from Duke, I don't want your pity! Go on and live your wonderful magnificent lives without me! I'll just write on your Facebook walls after Michigan beats you and wins the NCAA Championship! See you all in heaven!

Okay. This post was supposed to be an exclusively happy one about reconnecting with old friends and meeting new people, as the more introspective and sad ones were going to follow. Oh well. Life isn't always cat GIFS and unicorns. Hopefully the next post isn't as suckily sulky.

Urbana 2012 Posts

Expectations
Early Distractions
Major Differences
Denis (and Vladomir)
New Friends

Urbana 2012 - Denis (and Vladomir)

One of my favorite, favorite experiences at Urbana this year was getting to know Denis, a 30-year old IFES worker in Russia.

The Seminar

I went to a seminar called "Evangelizing in a Post-Modern country" and like Janice, who happened to be at the seminar with me, I expected to hear a methods and tips for evangelizing in post-Christian countries like the US and European countries. Instead, Vladomir, another IFES worker in Eurasia, told us that this track should have been titled "Evangelizing in a Post-Communist country". But in reality, the seminar wasn't really about evangelism. It was an overview and update of evangelicalism and IFES in Eurasia.

And I loved it. Both Vladomir and Denis, who split the hour giving their own presentations, were extremely funny to me, despite having imperfect English and being from across the globe. Our common sense of humor surprised me and made me instantly like them and empathize with all they were saying. I was immediately excited for Denis when he went up to speak and the first thing he did was apologize for his poor English and say that it was his first time in the US. Then he said that he hoped that we could understand him because he burnt his mouth eating a taco (his first!) too fast, as he tried really hard to be at the seminar on time. It's these types of humble and hilariously self-deprecating remarks that made me instantly connect with them.

Even though I didn't (and still don't) have a burden for any of the post-Soviet states, I was really moved by this seminar. The depth of love shown by Denis and Vladomir for God, those they serve, and the nations that they live in moved me deeply, and by the end of the seminar, I was on the verge of tearing up. It's a hard feeling to explain. Two guys I didn't know were talking about countries I didn't really care about, and I was moved to tears? Crazy.

I wanted to talk to Vladomir and Denis after the seminar to thank them for their talk, but there was a long line to talk to them and I had somewhere I needed to be, so I just left.

The IFES Stand

Then the next day (or perhaps the day after), as I took a seminar slot off to wander in the Exhibit Hall and the bookstore, I saw both Vladimir and Denis arrive at the IFES stand. I went to them, thanked them for their seminar, and mentioned how moved I was by their love for God and for those they serve. I chatted with Denis a bit, and got his contact info so I could stay connected with him. Then I told him "I'll be praying for you" and started to turn to talk away. But then I saw him just standing there, with eyes closed and his hands nicely folded at his waist. I guess he didn't understand the tense with which I spoke and thought I told him I would pray for him right there, but I went over anyways, put my arm around his shoulder, prayed for him and Vladomir, and gave him a big hug afterwards. It was awesome. Really awesome.

And that was one of my favorite moments, if not the favorite moment, of this Urbana. It was more exciting and awesome than it sounds. Trust me.

Bonus - A few factoids about ministry in the post-Soviet nations

• The greatest challenges are the legacy of the past, hopelessness, a struggling economy, corruption, and broken families. 
• In Belarus, it's illegal to study the Bible outside of a church building. 
• The Orthodox church is oppresive towards Protestantism, and there is little cooperation between Protestant churches.
• Only 5% of Orthodox Christians go to temple. [Vladomir said that many Orthodox Christians go to temple regularly...two times a year.]
• When asked what their greatest prayer request is, the said, "Revival in the Orthodox Church".  This response actually really, really surprised me, and it displayed a refreshing humility - both theological humility and humility to admit that they can't do it themselves. 

Urbana 2012 Posts

Expectations
Early Distractions
Major Differences
Denis (and Vladomir)
New Friends

Urbana 2012 - Major Differences

Because I attended the last Urbana, I've had a bunch of people ask me which one was "better". That question is difficult to answer, because I am a different person than I was 3 years ago, but I can point out some key differences in the Urbana experience between 2009 and 2012. I wonder how often and dramatically Urbana changes every three years, as there were already a good amount of differences between these two Urbanas.

1) "A Join-In" and no solidarity dinner

This year, one of the evening plenaries was set aside for doing making "Caregiver Kits" to the caregivers in Swaziland. It was basically a giant assembly line that each participant got to go through once, somewhat like a grown-up version of the little missions projects we do at VBS at home. Because of the massive number of participants, while we were seated, they had some little activities planned for us, such as a few short videos to watch and some questions for small group discussion. From what Greg Jao said that night (and from the name of the night itself), I think the whole point of it was to "join in" with what God was doing in and through others around the world - to feel a solidarity with the caregivers, if you will. Because of this, I believe that the solidarity dinner was purposely removed in favor of the join-in.

Now all of you who were at Urbana 09 are probably thinking, "No solidarity dinner? No mush and tiny Dixie cup of water? That's awesome!" I'm not going to disagree with you, but in my opinion, the Join-In was far from what the organizers had originally hoped for, in a couple of ways. First of all, the entire night seemed to embody the triumphalistic "West to the Rest" mentality that was so discouraged in both plenary sessions and in seminars. I grew uncomfortable with the loud cheering and the endless high-fives, as if we've contributed anything to the cause or accomplished something, when none of us paid for anything in the kits or really spent any energy putting them together. It didn't feel like we were "joining in" to anything - it felt like we were congratulating ourselves on a job well done. Secondly, the night went significantly longer than originally planned, leaving most of us bored and tired in the stands. This resulted in antics like the wave going around and people fighting to be captured on the big screen, which was understandable but still bothered me.

As you can tell, the join-in wasn't my favorite thing in the world, but in its defense, I remember thinking after the last Urbana that we talked so much about poverty and world hunger but didn't actually do anything about it. This year, the Urbana organizers decided to give us an opportunity to do something about social justice instead of just talking about it. Great intentions, but it didn't turn out exactly as what they had planned. I might write another post with some more thoughts on this. Stay tuned.

2) Excellent, relevant arts presentations

I'm not going to pretend to be some sort of arts expert, but I thought that the drama and dance performances this year were extremely well-done and especially memorable. Unlike three years ago, there was an awesome, hilarious series of skits this year with continuity throughout the entire conference. Also, there seemed to be a fusion of song, dance, and drama this Urbana that wasn't there last Urbana.

For those of you who weren't at this Urbana and are looking for some light, fun entertainment (not David Platt), I really recommend watching the arts performances, especially The Great Invitation videos, which can all be found here.

An aside - here's a quote from the book You Lost Me that describes disconnects between young adult Christians and the church:

"A related gap is the church's loss of 'creatives,', musicians, visual and performance artists, filmmakers, poets, skaters, and surfers, storytellers, writers, and so in...Frequently the modern church struggles to know what to do with right-brained talent. What has traditionally been a fertile gruond for the arts - the church - is now generally perceived as uncreative, overprotective, and stifling."

I must say that I am very impressed with Intervarsity's commitment to give students opportunities to glorify God through all their talents.

3) Lesser focus on poverty/social justice and more on evangelism and sharing the gospel.

One of my friends here in Fort Wayne told me that he was at the last Urbana, and he said that he was bothered by the you-should-feel-guilty-for-buying-Starbucks-coffee-because-there-are-starving-kids-everywhere mentality. Even though I didn't really feel the same way as him, I could definitely see why. This year, the focus seemed to be exclusively on evangelism and the proclamation of the gospel, and there was very little time dedicated during plenaries to social justice issues, such as human trafficking, poverty, and world hunger. This is probably a function of the differing themes, with the theme for Urbana 2012 being "The Great Invitation", a seeming evangelistic-leaning theme, and the theme for Urbana 2009 being "The Word Became Flesh", which focused on incarnational living and missions. Not really better or worse either way, just different.

This last one is just my opinion, but:

4) Overall, less memorable speakers.

This is super subjective, but I think I enjoyed the speakers at the last Urbana significantly more than this one. My sister made the observation the speakers this year seemed to be really, really excellent (David Platt, Ram) or either forgettable (Terry LeBlanc, IFES guy) or didn't seem to have much to offer (Chai Ling, Brazilian lady). I really don't mean any of these speakers disrespect, as they all brought something different to the table (Urbana theme reference intended), but three years ago, I felt like my mind was constantly being blown by the speakers and I didn't feel that way this year. Maybe it's just because I've already been to an Urbana. Or maybe it's because there were less speakers this year due to the Join In. Or maybe that I connected better to the theme three years ago. Either way, off the top of my head, I remember loving the talks by Ramez, Oscar M, Sundar Krishnan, the rich Indian woman, Patrick Fung, and Korean-missionary-to-Japan Oh. Each of those talks and testimonies were life-changing to me in some way. This year, I just didn't feel that way about the speakers. Again, it could just be that I'm much different this year or that the topics spoken on didn't connect to me as well, but I definitely think I enjoyed the speakers more three years ago.

In addition, I enjoyed the exposition of Ramez Attalah more than Calisto Odede, but there really wasn't too much of a difference. Maybe I was just swayed by being overly moved by Ramez's awesome plot twist that made him choke up in front of everyone. But Calisto's "If it's not good enough for local consumption, it's not good enough for export" line was also really awesome.

All in all, the two Urbana's were actually very similar, with the main difference being difference emphases, which is probably from the theme difference. If you asked me, "So which Urbana was better?", I would respond, "It's not really for me to judge which one was 'better', but God worked in my life profoundly in different ways through both conferences."

Urbana 2012 Posts

Expectations
Early Distractions
Major Differences
Denis (and Vladomir)
New Friends

Urbana 2012 - Early Distractions

Upon arriving at Urbana, I found myself immediately distracted. I was all of a sudden surrounded by tons of young people who loved God. Moreover, there were possible more Asians at Urbana than all of the Asians in Fort Wayne combined. All of these "unfamiliar" factors, paired with the fatigue of driving, made me internally irritable and susceptible to sin and distraction.

1) Judgement

My immediate reaction often when seeing other Christians, especially students, is to judge. I size them up spiritually. I mentally rate their chapters and think about if they look "Christian" or not. I find the need to be the "best Christian" in the room. I get annoyed when others are loud or unruly, and secretly condemn as self-righteous those who are reading their Bibles out in public. Luckily, well more like unluckily, I've dealt this this extensively in the past, and was able to catch myself and fight the temptation to judge others. That said, constantly suppressing unloving thoughts is still a long, tiring, distracting mental battle.

2) Judgement v2

Forgive me for the crappy euphemistic title, but I couldn't think up any other title that would this sound not creepy. Basically, I was experiencing the crippling distraction that a young, single guy who hasn't met anyone potential "suitees" in an entire year experiences when he's all of a sudden surrounded by Christian girls everywhere. Y'all know what I mean, so I'll just leave it at that.

3) Worrying about others

Often times, my desire for others to fully enjoy and experience God spills over into an overly controlling will for others. Because this was the first time my parents were at Urbana, I really paid attention to their reactions to the various speakers, and I got antsy or even upset if I felt like they weren't enjoying their time there. This worry was also present in the more mundane, everyday aspects of Urbana, like having worrying that the walk from the hotel to the convention center would be too far for my parents,worrying that my parents might get lost in the crowd, and wondering when my family was going to arrive at Bible study after I had saved a row of seats for them. This worrying gradually faded, as I learned to trust both God and my family more - that God would speak to to my parents in whatever way He desired, and that my family was going to arrive reasonably on time to most things and not get lost getting there.

The first night I was there, these distractions really bothered me, as I felt like they were keeping me from all the great things that God wanted to teach me. Thinking back on it though, I think that God was specifically teaching me through these distractions. I was reminded of my poisonous pride, my circumstantial contentment, and my controlling tendencies. Like Calisto Odede (the expositor this year) said the next day, I needed to deal with my sin and the hardness of my heart before I could expect God to speak in my life elsewhere. As I'll share a bit more in the posts to come (that I've already started writing), God used Urbana to force me to inspect my heart in ways that I haven't in a while, and these distractions early in the conference are a great example of that.

I'd also like to thank all of you who prayed for me these last few days while I was at Urbana. I can say with certainty that God honored those prayers, and God gave me the eyes to see the darkness of my heart and the strength to rely on Him more, and these distraction faded into the background as the week went on.

Urbana 2012 Posts

Expectations
Early Distractions
Major Differences
Denis (and Vladomir)
New Friends

Urbana 2012 - Expectations

A couple of you have emailed me asking me how Urbana was for me, and I haven't really known how to answer. There have been some really awesome, spiritually refreshing "earthquake" parts, and there have been other more subtle, encouraging "whisper" parts. I hope to write up some thoughts about Urbana in the next few days to share my experience this year.

I think it would be appropriate to start from the beginning, with my expectations going into the conference. On the drive to Urbana, I asked myself the question, "What am I trying to get out of coming to Urbana?" It was a question that I didn't have the chance to think about much before the conference, with the business of friends visiting and then my family spending Christmas at my apartment. And to be honest, I had a hard time coming up with anything concrete. I think I had originally registered because 1) Iris was going to go, 2) I knew it was an awesome conference and wanted to go again, 3) I wanted to see old AIV friends again, and 4) I wanted my parents to experience Urbana. It's obvious that none of those reasons were expectations or hope for God to work specifically in my life. So what exactly did I want?

I wasn't really sure what I wanted to get out of it, but I knew what I wasn't trying to get out of Urbana.

1) I wasn't seeking a boost out of a spiritual high.

Urbana will give any Christian a spiritual high, no doubt. But that's not why I was going. I wasn't under the illusion that the conference would fix any of my spiritual problems or that I would be left in a permanent spiritual high. Prior to attending Urbana, I had just sent an email to a friend about how Christian living is all about the daily grind, the daily decisions to deny self and follow Jesus. I knew that a spiritual high isn't a true solution, and I wasn't seeking it at Urbana.

2) I wasn't seeking an immediate ministry calling.

Unlike three years ago, when my future was pretty much up for grabs, I now have a stable job that I enjoy and a lot of school debt that needs to be paid off. I don't feel any real tug towards ministry (yet) and I feel pretty certain about my calling to be here in Fort Wayne, at least for the short term. And I feel content with that calling. Even last year, I was really hoping I would be called to ministry, and I even tried to earn that calling, in some ways. But not now. Fort Wayne is where I need to be now, and it's still too early to think years into the future, as there's so much that can happen and change.

So what was I expecting out of Urbana? I don't think I really knew. I wasn't very well-prepared spiritually. I knew I wanted to hear God speak to me, but I wasn't sure how and in what context. Luckily, we worship a gracious God who chooses to surprise us, even though we aren't deserving. The following posts will expand on the many things, both big and small, that God blessed me with in my days at Urbana.

Urbana 2012 Posts

Expectations
Early Distractions
Major Differences
Denis (and Vladomir)
New Friends

Watching Movies - My Mom

Like most 20th century American families, my family watches a lot of movies together, and each one of us has particular movie-watching habits and preferences.

I tried to make a flowchart for each member of the family, but I don't have Visio on my computer and I realized very quickly that making flowcharts in Word is a huge pain, and the end result is much uglier than expected. So here's the one for my mom, and the rest will come later, probably after Urbana. Hopefully I can figure out a way to do it on Visio or something else so it's not so darn ugly.

Merry Christmas, all.

AOE and The Importance of Reflection

I recently rediscovered Age of Empires after many years of not playing, and I discovered a fairly large, vibrant community of people who still play, and I've started playing online. This is actually the closest I've become to a "gamer", as I've also started watching recorded/commentated games online in addition to playing a good amount. [As an aside, I never used to understand what the appeal was in people like Sam Li watching recorded games, but now I understand].

I was listening to an interview of one of the top AOC players (I think it was FeAge) by ZeroEmpires, and he asked FeAge if he had any tips for getting better. FeAge gave the following two tips -

1) Play against people that are as good or better than you.
2) After every game, spend 5 minutes and think about why you won or why you lost the game. 

I've been practicing the second tip, and while it might not seem like such a big deal, it has actually helped my game tremendously. Thinking about the one or two things I did right or wrong and either applying or avoiding them in future games has helped me improve dramatically. I've improved from being a "Super Noob" with twice as many losses as wins to simply being a "Noob" with as many wins as losses (though I definitely had to win much more than I lost to get here). I didn't realize at first how much I was improving until I realized that I had jumped much higher in rating than I ever thought I would. At first I thought this was a fluke, and that I must have just gotten lucky a few times, but after a while of maintaining my rating and outplaying players of lower rating, I think I can say with confidence that my rating isn't a fluke.

I've always assumed that just playing the game a lot will somehow automatically make you better at it, and to some extent, that's true. Joshee once mentioned to me and he was frustrated with someone who had played LoL for a long time and still wasn't very good, and I remember wondering to myself if that guy was just incompetent and kind of stupid. But now I guess I've realized a bit more that to become a better player, there needs to be some intentionality behind it and improvement doesn't just come by "playing a lot". Either that, or I'm just stupid and not as talented as everyone else.

Obviously, this lesson on reflection can be applied to many different arenas in life, and this practice of reflection has also helped me specifically in my ultimate play. But whatever. This is an AOE post, so here are some of the random reminders and tips that I've picked up that have really helped my gameplay:

• You are going to need to transfer your villagers from one resource to another, so don't be afraid to do it. Start sending your lumberjacks to seed farms once you have your extra Town Centers up. Don't wait until you've saved up a ton of wood to do it. You'll end up with too much.
• Start trading before your gold runs out. When it runs out, it will already be too late.
• When playing Turks, don't forget that the Light Cavalry/Hussar upgrades are free. They make for a great meat shield for your Janisseries/Hand Cannoneers.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help from your teammates. If you need resources or military support, ask immediately.
• Do your military upgrades before you need them. Especially the upgrades to Champion. Those take a while.
• Don't forget to make siege. Good use of siege seems to actually be the difference between noobs and better players.
• Anticipate what your opponents are going to make, and make the hard counter to them. Don't forget about Hand Canoneers and how much they tear through infantry.
• Build an extra Blacksmith or two to get all your upgrades faster.

There was a time when I thought that any decent RTS player who decided to pick up AOE could still beat me because I simply wasn't very good at AOE, but not anymore. So if there are any of you people out there who still play AOE or want to get back into it or want to challenge me, hit me up so we can Wololo together.

Defensive Killer Instinct

I'm watching the Knicks-Heat game right now, and I just noticed that Ronnie Brewer is guarding Lebron James. I wonder what that feels like. I wonder what goes through his head when Lebron has the ball.

Thinking about it, the mental game is huge for playing defense. You need to really believe you can guard the person you are on to do an effective job of it. In sports, when we say that a player either has or lacks that "killer instinct" and the "ice in his veins", we mean that he truly believes that he's going to make the clutch shot, and that belief helps him make it. It isn't that if someone believes hard enough, they'll make the shot all the time, but believing it allows a player to more effectively use his skills and talents to make a play. We don't usually associate this mental strength with defense, as we do with offense, but I experienced how important this "defensive killer instinct" is first hand recently. I'm talking about the need for that reckless, over-confident belief that you're going to shut down whoever you guard and the eagerness to defend the best player on the other team

I experienced this last weekend playing in a small ultimate tournament here in Fort Wayne. Those of you who've played sports with me, you know that I take pride in playing good, hard defense. I always truly believe that I can shut down whoever I'm put up against, no matter how much better they are supposed to be. As I've played ultimate here over the last few months, I've noticed that I've transitioned from a more defensive player to a much more offensive player, as I was slowly reacquainted with the flow of the game and the movements of the game. Offense just became more fun for me to play, as I began to really believe that I was unguardable and was just faster than anyone guarding me. And maybe I still felt that way towards the people I was playing against, so I just got used to poaching more and helping on defense (translation: I played lazy defense).

So last weekend, we brought a group of people we play pickup with and played in a small 5-team tournament. In one of the games, we were playing another team who only had 6 players. One of their players is a kid who currently plays for the Indy Alleycats (the "pro" ultimate team - he's number 37). And I was scared of him. Luckily, I didn't need to guard him, and the super-stud on our team decided to guard him the entire game. I've never been good at guarding the give-and-go kind of handler guys, because I always feel like I'm a step behind, so I had a horrible feeling when we got switched up on defense and I was all of a sudden guarding this amazing player. This happened twice in total, each for probably around 30 seconds each time. And I did alright - I don't think he threw or caught a score in that minute that I was on him, but guarding him for that thirty seconds felt like forever, and I was totally spent after each time.

In reality, he's not that much faster than me, and I didn't run all that much when guarding him, but it really seems to me that the "This is not good" repeating in my head just made my body shut down. I really can't describe it. In my head, I really didn't want to be in that situation, and my body seemed to respond accordingly. I felt tired, probably more tired than I actually was or should have been. I think I was physically capable of playing him competitively, but my mind told my body after thirty seconds "I can't do this; I can't take it anymore", and so my energy just seemed to disappear with my morale.

So I wonder what it's like to defend Lebron. I wonder what it's like being put on Kobe in the last minute of the 4th. I think this is what really makes guys like Kobe and Lebron great defenders. They know and believe that they can take you. That's part of why guys like Shane Battier and Bruce Bowen were as good as they were, despite not necessarily matching up physically to they guys they were guarding.

But don't worry guys. I'll get that mental strength and defensive confidence back. I actually think I only lost it for ultimate, and not basketball. So next time we ball, expect good defense and hard fouls. No easies.

"All this is, it's fun to me. There's no pressure in it. There's no fear. A lot of guys, I think, when they match up with other great players, there's a fear of embarrassment, you know, to guard them, afraid that they might make you look bad. I really don't care. It's just fun going up against them. If you're playing a great player, of course he's gonna make you look bad at some times, but that's part of the game. It is what it is."

- Kobe Bryant in Kobe Doin Work

Check out my sweet 2-inch vertical. Oh by the way, we went undefeated in that tourney!

Beating Bullying

Last Friday, Northpark had an overnight campout for their youth, which I got to help out with. The youth group is, as the youth pastor described, "bottom-heavy", with a lot of junior high kids and fewer high school students. One of the lingering feeling after spending ~9 hours with them (from around 6 at night to 3 in the morning), is "Wow. Kids can be so mean!"

There's one kid in particular who seemed to be picked on and laughed at the most. He was the kid that everyone else particularly liked to see lose games and the kid who was told to stop talking in conversation. It probably had a lot to do with his youth (he was in 6th grade), general empty-headedness, and tendancy to talk non-stop about random, irrelevant things. While I don't think that most of the remarks, laughs, or snickers directed at him were malicious or particularly hurtful, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him.

I got a chance to talk to him a little sitting out at the campfire, and after I asked him what school he was attending, he told me that he was going to a new school this year. I asked him why he switched schools, and he said something to the effect of "I was tired of being shoved into lockers and being called names." Man, stuff like this breaks my heart. The mild teasing and mostly-innocent remarks tossed his way at his youth group are probably nothing compared to what he went through at school, but the church family should a haven of safety and love, as cheesy as that sounds.

The topic of bullying actually came up during the campfire conversation, and one of the kids told us a story of a bully getting beat up at his school. Apparently, a kid was picking on a mentally handicapped kid, when a football player came and told him to cut it out and beat him up. After he told the story, there was this general gladness that justice had been served, but I wish the kids could see that they could also make a difference in the life of the kid being made fun of right in front them.

I'm not sure how many people I've shared this with, but I was bullied as an elementary school kid to the point that my mom came to school to talk to the kids and my teachers. (Some of you may be thinking "Hah! I knew it! No wonder he can be such a jerk sometimes.") I wouldn't say that the bullying was especially malicious or hurtful compared to some of the stuff we hear on the news or see other people going through, and I certainly wasn't the "most-bullied" kid in school, but I still know that hurt and loneliness and fear of being bullied.

Through my awkward pre-teen years, when I often hated everyone around me at school, there was the rare person who whose kindness made the biggest difference ever. I always had my own group of friends, but there's really something about a more "popular" kid being nice to me even when he had nothing to gain, and probably more to lose, that made a huge difference.

In fourth grade, it was Matt Sullivan. "Sullie" was the funny, athletic kid that everyone liked. In that era of constantly being unncessarily football-tackled while playing goalie during reccess soccer, he was the one guy that was kind to me. I won't pretend to remember what exactly he did for me, but to this day, I can clearly remember his face, and the sadness I had when I found out that he moved away the year after.

In sixth grade, when we were in trailers at Asher Holmes, it was Mike Canetta. He was the nice, seemingly rich Jewish (or Catholic?) kid, as all the popular kids seemed to be. Despite my complete uncoolness which I will readily admit, he was kind to me. In that point of childhood when clothes and other material possessions all of a sudden mattered, I remember very clearly him spending the time to teach me the cultural must-knows, like what zip-off pants and Abercrombie and Fitch were.

I could probably count on one finger the other people I remember from my fourth and sixth grade classes, and I certainly don't remember what any of those kids looked like, but the impact these two young kids made on another young, awkward kid will never be forgotten. Here's to you, Matt Sullivan and Mike Canetta. Your small acts of kindness turned out to make a huge difference in my life. Thank you.

Living as a Closet Moderate

My Experience

It's really no secret that Indiana, and Fort Wayne especially, is extremely politically conservative (even though Obama won Indiana in 2008, surprisingly). I consider myself a moderate who has been increasingly leaning left, and I currently plan on voting for Obama again in a month. However, I can count on one hand the number of people in Fort Wayne who know my political leaning.

It may come to a surprise to some of you that I've, for the most part, kept my political leanings a secret, given my headstrong, stubborn, arrogant, and argumentative nature. I haven't spoken up about it for various reasons. Obviously, I don't want to start unnecessary arguments and break relationships with others. Also, I get the feeling, especially from the older people in the church I attend, that if I "came out" as a moderate who is going to vote for Obama, my "Christian-ness" will come into question. I can't help but feel like if people found out I was going to vote for Obama, people would wonder if I was actually a Christian or not. Let's not even get to whether or not gay marriage or abortion should be legal.

The most troublesome reason for not speaking up, however, is that I've never really gotten an opportunity to speak up. I was never asked what I believed. It is assumed, that as an evangelical Christian, I am part of the right-wing movement and am going to vote Republican. I've never been asked on my position on gay marriage, abortion, war, capital punishment, or healthcare. Rather, people speak about it around me as if it was a universal truth that Mitt Romney is the correct "Christian" choice for the presidency, and that everyone else must be blind, misguided, or anti-Christian. It really isn't what they believe that bothered me so much as it is the nonchalant dismissal of all dissenting opinions, without, in my opinion, a responsible consideration of the merit of those beliefs.

And so here I am, every Wednesday at prayer meeting, listening to anti-Obama rhetoric, mentally mumbling to myself how so much of it is flat out lies and how clearly biased and uninformed some people are. And I've realized that it wasn't before long that I started basing my identity at church and in Fort Wayne in general around my political standing. The identity that I had before, which was "the short but good-looking guy who's the only Asian in the room", has shifted to "the short, good-looking Asian who is secretly going to vote for Obama." It's really hard to describe how this happened, other than politics jumping to my mind whenever I interacted with, or even just thought about, certain people in the church. My view of others also gradually warped, as I started mentally categorizing people as right-wing nuts, instead of valuing the various non-political aspects of their lives. Instead of loving, I started judging, even though judging was the the fault that I so hated, as it got me here in the first place.

There grew an invisible divide, a canyon that only I could see, between myself and those who expect me to be Republican. It is impossible for me to really feel close to anyone to whom I can't even share my political views with. All other interaction begins to feel superficial, as I can hear myself questioning what would happen if they knew I supported Obama or that I didn't care much about gay marriage. This inability to be honest about politics and worldview has become a barrier from trust and any truly meaningful relationship.

Eventually, this judgement and its subsequent divide turned into resentment. I resented that I was expected to hold certain political beliefs as a Christian, and I resented others for holding those expectations. My heart grew fiercely defensive at any mention of politics, leading me to be increasingly irritated at any opinion of politics that was different than mine. All attacks on Obama became attacks on me, as I started taking everything more and more personally. I looked down on everyone who I thought was blindly right-wing and uninformed.

I'm glad that God's revealed the condition of my heart to me, as He's reorienting my heart towards love rather than judgement. I'm grateful for the MAC training that God's brought back to mind, as I've red-lined hard for a while without even realizing it. I'm still working on my love and humility, so please continue to pray for me in these areas.

Exhortation/Encouragements

So what's the takeaway for all of you, who are probably reading this in relatively open-minded campuses in relatively diverse and healthy ministries? I hope that you remember to never assume that other people believe everything that you do. Just because someone doesn't speak up when you're talking about something doesn't mean they don't have a different opinion about it, especially when you are discussing things in groups. Gently ask people for their opinions on important topics, and always lovingly leave room for disagreement and dialogue. Avoid unknowingly creating invisible barriers between your group and other people. Otherwise, you may end up with people that secretly resent you, your group, or all Christians.

Remember that others don't always need you to agree with them, but just that you respect them and their ideas without disregarding them for certain opinions or beliefs that they hold. And even if you truly believe that you would still love someone even if they disagree with you in some area, perception is everything, and if they don't feel that way, then you are still erecting that invisible barrier that is a stumbling block for them.

This goes for everything. Offhand remarks about girls. Using the word "gay" inappropriately. Assuming the people around you don't struggle with same-sex attraction, identity, pornography, sexual immorality, drug abuse, self-image, etc and being insensitive about those issues. Public expectations of certain people to be a certain way. Perpetual teasing of any denomination, doctrine, race, tv show, movie genre, music, lifestyle, etc. You never know who you could unintentionally be pushing away.

I hope this doesn't come off as me on a moral high-ground, preaching to all you inferior Christians. If there's anyone guilty of malicious teasing and callous insensitivity, it's me. I've actually been approached, engaged, and rebuked about it more times than I'm willing to admit. In fact, chances are that I've personally hurt you, the reader, whoever you are, at some point by doing exactly what I'm saying not to do (and for that, I'm sorry). And I'm obviously still nowhere from perfect, and God is still working on my soul. But it's only now being on the other side of things that I've really gotten a tiny taste of what being "in the closet" about anything feels like. It sucks.

Colossians 4:5-6 - "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

Philippians 2:3-4 - "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

1 Thessalonians 5:11 - "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."