My Experience
It's really no secret that Indiana, and Fort Wayne especially, is extremely politically conservative (even though Obama won Indiana in 2008, surprisingly). I consider myself a moderate who has been increasingly leaning left, and I currently plan on voting for Obama again in a month. However, I can count on one hand the number of people in Fort Wayne who know my political leaning.
It may come to a surprise to some of you that I've, for the most part, kept my political leanings a secret, given my headstrong, stubborn, arrogant, and argumentative nature. I haven't spoken up about it for various reasons. Obviously, I don't want to start unnecessary arguments and break relationships with others. Also, I get the feeling, especially from the older people in the church I attend, that if I "came out" as a moderate who is going to vote for Obama, my "Christian-ness" will come into question. I can't help but feel like if people found out I was going to vote for Obama, people would wonder if I was actually a Christian or not. Let's not even get to whether or not gay marriage or abortion should be legal.
The most troublesome reason for not speaking up, however, is that I've never really gotten an opportunity to speak up. I was never asked what I believed. It is assumed, that as an evangelical Christian, I am part of the right-wing movement and am going to vote Republican. I've never been asked on my position on gay marriage, abortion, war, capital punishment, or healthcare. Rather, people speak about it around me as if it was a universal truth that Mitt Romney is the correct "Christian" choice for the presidency, and that everyone else must be blind, misguided, or anti-Christian. It really isn't what they believe that bothered me so much as it is the nonchalant dismissal of all dissenting opinions, without, in my opinion, a responsible consideration of the merit of those beliefs.
And so here I am, every Wednesday at prayer meeting, listening to anti-Obama rhetoric, mentally mumbling to myself how so much of it is flat out lies and how clearly biased and uninformed some people are. And I've realized that it wasn't before long that I started basing my identity at church and in Fort Wayne in general around my political standing. The identity that I had before, which was "the short but good-looking guy who's the only Asian in the room", has shifted to "the short, good-looking Asian who is secretly going to vote for Obama." It's really hard to describe how this happened, other than politics jumping to my mind whenever I interacted with, or even just thought about, certain people in the church. My view of others also gradually warped, as I started mentally categorizing people as right-wing nuts, instead of valuing the various non-political aspects of their lives. Instead of loving, I started judging, even though judging was the the fault that I so hated, as it got me here in the first place.
There grew an invisible divide, a canyon that only I could see, between myself and those who expect me to be Republican. It is impossible for me to really feel close to anyone to whom I can't even share my political views with. All other interaction begins to feel superficial, as I can hear myself questioning what would happen if they knew I supported Obama or that I didn't care much about gay marriage. This inability to be honest about politics and worldview has become a barrier from trust and any truly meaningful relationship.
Eventually, this judgement and its subsequent divide turned into resentment. I resented that I was expected to hold certain political beliefs as a Christian, and I resented others for holding those expectations. My heart grew fiercely defensive at any mention of politics, leading me to be increasingly irritated at any opinion of politics that was different than mine. All attacks on Obama became attacks on me, as I started taking everything more and more personally. I looked down on everyone who I thought was blindly right-wing and uninformed.
I'm glad that God's revealed the condition of my heart to me, as He's reorienting my heart towards love rather than judgement. I'm grateful for the MAC training that God's brought back to mind, as I've red-lined hard for a while without even realizing it. I'm still working on my love and humility, so please continue to pray for me in these areas.
Exhortation/Encouragements
So what's the takeaway for all of you, who are probably reading this in relatively open-minded campuses in relatively diverse and healthy ministries? I hope that you remember to never assume that other people believe everything that you do. Just because someone doesn't speak up when you're talking about something doesn't mean they don't have a different opinion about it, especially when you are discussing things in groups. Gently ask people for their opinions on important topics, and always lovingly leave room for disagreement and dialogue. Avoid unknowingly creating invisible barriers between your group and other people. Otherwise, you may end up with people that secretly resent you, your group, or all Christians.
Remember that others don't always need you to agree with them, but just that you respect them and their ideas without disregarding them for certain opinions or beliefs that they hold. And even if you truly believe that you would still love someone even if they disagree with you in some area, perception is everything, and if they don't feel that way, then you are still erecting that invisible barrier that is a stumbling block for them.
This goes for everything. Offhand remarks about girls. Using the word "gay" inappropriately. Assuming the people around you don't struggle with same-sex attraction, identity, pornography, sexual immorality, drug abuse, self-image, etc and being insensitive about those issues. Public expectations of certain people to be a certain way. Perpetual teasing of any denomination, doctrine, race, tv show, movie genre, music, lifestyle, etc. You never know who you could unintentionally be pushing away.
I hope this doesn't come off as me on a moral high-ground, preaching to all you inferior Christians. If there's anyone guilty of malicious teasing and callous insensitivity, it's me. I've actually been approached, engaged, and rebuked about it more times than I'm willing to admit. In fact, chances are that I've personally hurt you, the reader, whoever you are, at some point by doing exactly what I'm saying not to do (and for that, I'm sorry). And I'm obviously still nowhere from perfect, and God is still working on my soul. But it's only now being on the other side of things that I've really gotten a tiny taste of what being "in the closet" about anything feels like. It sucks.
Colossians 4:5-6 - "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
Philippians 2:3-4 - "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
1 Thessalonians 5:11 - "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."
This post resonates with me on a bunch of levels, Caleb, even beyond the fact that moderates of all political stripes are few and far between. Thanks for your thoughts.
ReplyDeletei hope you will "out" yourself to your church soon. First, because you as a son of god are a blessing, and you would bless others by speaking (with grace) your truth and your thoughts. this is not to make your head bigger than it already is, but to think about it this way, to withhold your truth, you're potentially robbing others of what (you obviously believe) is a good decision/truth. i know as asians, we don't like to impose, nor do we like to cause ripples, nor do we like to assert ourselves around elders, nor do we like to get into debates or arguments or even view an opposing side because we like comfort and peace, but i think for you caleb, to stay "hidden" out of _____ reasons (fear of being judged)would actually just perpetually feed that unhelpful thinking. what would happen if there was another situation that you really need to speak your opinion about in this same community?
ReplyDeletei also hope you share soon because it actually might bring you peace in this situation. this thing growing in your heart might actually all just be wasted energy. (what's the saying? "holding a grudge against a person is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies" same concept imo). but in actuality, "coming out" (in faith obviously) might actually help others to "come out", or to consider a political opinion differently, or to think critically. who knows, people might actually respect you more for it, or might actually like you more, or might see you more than just the "short asian guy". it could possibly be an invitation for further, constructive discussion or even relational trust being built. if you need less selfish reasons, speaking up could actually glorify god by reflecting aspects of His heart that the community isn't familiar with yet (because maybe someone didn't tell them!)
with all this said, god allowed you to join this community, or somehow lead you to this community, and it would be a shame to live a life so privately when it's meant to be lived in edifying community. you have stuff to offer caleb, and you know your identity in christ. don't hurt yourself or hurt the community by denying to speak about it. just a thought! it's hard to be in the minority opinion. but may god touch your vocal chords and your heart and your courage.
hi caleb,
ReplyDeletethis is john lin's sister liz. johnny sent me a link to this post, and i so, so appreciate how honest and thoughtful and self-aware you are (not to mention how well-written this post is -- strong work).
i want to say that i feel you, given that 1. i work at a pretty conservative church that, politically, sounds similar to yours and 2. i've engaged with some conservative christians about these issues, with wildly varying degrees of success (one example: https://www.facebook.com/notes/liz-lin/on-politics-a-conservative-christian-response-and-a-rebuttal/39595873125 or lizaroo.xanga.com/678504893/on-politics-v-2008-a-conservative-christian-response-and-my-rebuttal/, if it interests you). it's so, so discouraging that it's nearly impossible to have a rational dialogue these days with someone on the other end of the spectrum -- especially when the other side breaks out the God language and your own morality and faithfulness are called into question.
i have the same reactions toward evangelical conservatives that you described – resentment, a sense of moral and intellectual superiority, a feeling of distance that makes meaningful relationships impossible. however, unlike you, i don’t have anything pressing me to deal with these responses, because i live in LA and all my friends are liberal and i don’t have to. so even though i feel bad that you’re alone in this, i admire that you’re doing the hard work of addressing these issues.
i’m reading what stephanie wrote and i agree with all of it, but i also understand that doing any of it comes with significant risk, so i’m just feeling torn for you. i think the "in the closet/outing yourself" analogy is really apt, and reflecting on how my gay friends have come out and my own experiences of outing myself at work, i think a lot of the same principles are helpful. like how, if you were to out yourself, it would probably make more sense to do it in a one-on-one conversation than in front of a whole group, because then you can actually talk about it and it’s hard to dehumanize someone when you’re sitting across from them in conversation. and how you would probably only out yourself to people who are safe – with whom you have a solid relationship, who probably wouldn’t completely flip out, who maybe have a history of being able to tolerate other people being different from them. and how, after you’ve had conversations with a critical mass of people, the tone in the group can change, and maybe that can be a place where you talk about it collectively. but it requires so much patience and so many small steps to get to that point.
at this point i’m just rambling, and you probably know everything i just wrote. but to get back to my original point: great post, thank you for sharing, and thank you for making me reflect on my own ish when it comes to dealing with people who believe very different things than i do.
Love the MAC shoutout. Push hard for dat green line :)
ReplyDelete