[Sorry this post is all over the place. I am tired, but I felt that it was important for me to jot down my thoughts before I forget them all.]
Friday night, after doing equipment with Sam at Sara's, I drove Sam back to Carriage. When I was trying to parallel park in front of Carriage, I scraped the side of another car pretty badly. I left a note saying sorry, giving my phone number, and saying I was willing to pay. The rest of the night, there wasn't much else I could think about, as the uncertainty of it all just lingered in my head. Was the person going to call me? Would the note I left magically disappear so I wouldn't really be liable? How much would the damages be? I went to bed before any of these questions could be answered. When I woke up, I received a text from the person who owned the car that I scraped, and it actually turned out to be someone I knew - a friend from campus.
It feels worse to know who I've wronged.
I can't tell you what's worse - having to deal with a stranger I don't trust with large sums of money or feeling that deep guilt and shame that I screwed up my friend's car. I'm definitely grateful that I know I won't be cheated for money in any way, but the deep guilt and sorrow that comes with knowing the person I wronged really hit me hard this morning. It's hard to explain exactly why, but the guilt I felt would almost certainly be less intense had it been a total stranger I had run into. I think that if it had been a total stranger, the only thing that would have hurt is my wallet. But since I know who I've wronged, not only will my wallet hurt, but my pride is hurt and more importantly, my heart is hurt. The guilt really almost felt unbearable this morning. It's weird that even if I was willing to pay for all the damages, it still didn't feel like it was enough. It's kind of hard to explain.
It's always hard for me to forgive myself.
My friend has been very gracious to me, and has dealt with me in gentleness. I don't know if he is still angry at me (not that it would be inappropriate for him to be), but I really appreciate the way he's communicated with me. Whether or not he has indeed forgiven me, I have a really hard time forgiving myself. It's hard for me to even accept his forgiveness, as if I don't deserve any of the grace offered. This incident is only one example of this - I've always had trouble forgiving myself for anything. It's hard for me to accept that grace is free and that forgiveness is free, and that I don't need to do anything to earn it (even though in this case, there will definitely be some money involved for fixing his car). Why do I still feel so terrible, even though it's a done deal? Why do I always let my wrongs and flaws define who I am?
This is true especially in my spiritual life, when I can't forgive myself for things that I know that the Almighty God, the Righteous Judge, has already forgiven me for. I need to learn to understand and accept forgiveness - both from God and from others.
I trust God to redeem my mistake.
This all said, I trust that God will continue to use this experience for my good. Even though this mistake is mine and mine alone, if I submit myself to God, He can and will use this experience to glorify Himself in and through me. I'm not sure what that looks like yet, but I will hold on to God's promise in Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
=( Accidents happen. Sounds like he knows how sorry you are...but yeah I can imagine how that would feel. At least you hit your friend's car and not your friend - that would probably feel a bit worse.
ReplyDeleteI can relate Caleb I tend to be REALLY hard on myself as well. But one day I was confessing a recent sin binge I had went on with a good friend of mine and he simply reminded me of Romans 8:1 "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." And he explained to me that the act of beating the crap out of ourselves for our shortcomings is actually rooted in pride.
ReplyDeleteJesus already knew every sin or honest mistake that we would make before He took the cross for us and then chose us. So you scraping that car didn't surprise Him at all. But it's our misguided self confidence that fools us into believing that we're not a bunch of morons that will continually keep screwing up until we physically meet Him and are perfected.
I'm also reminded of Rev 12:10 but I believe satan not only makes accusations about us to God but to us about God and to us about each other and to us about ourselves.
Basically what I'm saying is that, your a great friend, a leader and an honorable brother in Christ but you will screw things up from time to time, get used to it :) And don't let the enemy get in your head.