[Sorry this post is all over the place. I am tired, but I felt that it was important for me to jot down my thoughts before I forget them all.]
Friday night, after doing equipment with Sam at Sara's, I drove Sam back to Carriage. When I was trying to parallel park in front of Carriage, I scraped the side of another car pretty badly. I left a note saying sorry, giving my phone number, and saying I was willing to pay. The rest of the night, there wasn't much else I could think about, as the uncertainty of it all just lingered in my head. Was the person going to call me? Would the note I left magically disappear so I wouldn't really be liable? How much would the damages be? I went to bed before any of these questions could be answered. When I woke up, I received a text from the person who owned the car that I scraped, and it actually turned out to be someone I knew - a friend from campus.
It feels worse to know who I've wronged.
I can't tell you what's worse - having to deal with a stranger I don't trust with large sums of money or feeling that deep guilt and shame that I screwed up my friend's car. I'm definitely grateful that I know I won't be cheated for money in any way, but the deep guilt and sorrow that comes with knowing the person I wronged really hit me hard this morning. It's hard to explain exactly why, but the guilt I felt would almost certainly be less intense had it been a total stranger I had run into. I think that if it had been a total stranger, the only thing that would have hurt is my wallet. But since I know who I've wronged, not only will my wallet hurt, but my pride is hurt and more importantly, my heart is hurt. The guilt really almost felt unbearable this morning. It's weird that even if I was willing to pay for all the damages, it still didn't feel like it was enough. It's kind of hard to explain.
It's always hard for me to forgive myself.
My friend has been very gracious to me, and has dealt with me in gentleness. I don't know if he is still angry at me (not that it would be inappropriate for him to be), but I really appreciate the way he's communicated with me. Whether or not he has indeed forgiven me, I have a really hard time forgiving myself. It's hard for me to even accept his forgiveness, as if I don't deserve any of the grace offered. This incident is only one example of this - I've always had trouble forgiving myself for anything. It's hard for me to accept that grace is free and that forgiveness is free, and that I don't need to do anything to earn it (even though in this case, there will definitely be some money involved for fixing his car). Why do I still feel so terrible, even though it's a done deal? Why do I always let my wrongs and flaws define who I am?
This is true especially in my spiritual life, when I can't forgive myself for things that I know that the Almighty God, the Righteous Judge, has already forgiven me for. I need to learn to understand and accept forgiveness - both from God and from others.
I trust God to redeem my mistake.
This all said, I trust that God will continue to use this experience for my good. Even though this mistake is mine and mine alone, if I submit myself to God, He can and will use this experience to glorify Himself in and through me. I'm not sure what that looks like yet, but I will hold on to God's promise in Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
The Fable of the Flyers
[Disclaimer: This account is not intended to replace Scripture and does not even intend to convey the same meaning as Scripture. This story is a mere interesting thought that I had in my head as I handed out quarter-sheets before Bubble Tea Bash. I hope no one finds this offensive towards Scripture.]
Some additional random observations from flyering:
Most likely to accept a flyer: International Asian girls
Least likely to accept a flyer: Anyone who seems to be on a Umich athletic squad, non-freshmen (old people).
Displays the most excitement when accepting a flyer: White girls
Most polite when declining a flyer: White girls in groups, white guys (especially frat boys)
Least polite in declining a flyer: White girls traveling alone
"That day at 3:00, Caleb went out of his shady apartment and stood beside the Chem Atrium. And great crowds of people walked all around him, so that he decided it would be a good place to position himself to hand out flyers. After handing out flyers for over two hours, he thought up the following fable, which he cleverly named The Fable of the Flyers."
The Fable of the Flyers
"An AIV member went out to hand out flyers to tell people the good news that there was going to be free Bubble Tea inside the Chemistry Building at 5:00. As he handed out the flyers, some people immediately crumbled up the flyers in their hands. Other people took the flyers, walked inside the building, and walked back out after seeing the long line. Still other people were excited to go, but after discovering the event started at 5:00, eventually decided not to go because they were busy. Other people took the flyers with excitement, convinced their friends to go, and enjoyed free bubble tea. He who has a mouth, let him drink bubble tea."
The Fable of the Flyers Explained
"Hear then the fable of the flyers. When anyone hears the awesome, great, Gospel news and immediately disregards it, the evil one has come and crumbled up the flier given to him. These are the flyers that were never even looked at. As for the people who took the flier but left immediately after seeing the long line, this is the one who receives the Gospel and immediately receives it with joy, yet when inconvenience, discomfort, tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, he immediately falls away. As for the flyers to people who decided eventually not to come, this is the one who hears the Gospel, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness and attractiveness of distractions choke the word, and it proves unfruitful. As for the flier that caused a person to come enjoy free refreshing bubble tea, this is the one who hears the Gospel and understands it. He indeed brings free bubble tea to many others, in one case 100 friends, in another 60, and in another 30."
Some additional random observations from flyering:
Most likely to accept a flyer: International Asian girls
Least likely to accept a flyer: Anyone who seems to be on a Umich athletic squad, non-freshmen (old people).
Displays the most excitement when accepting a flyer: White girls
Most polite when declining a flyer: White girls in groups, white guys (especially frat boys)
Least polite in declining a flyer: White girls traveling alone
Thursday, September 1, 2011
A Little Lesson on God's Sovereignty
We all know the cliche "Everything happens for a reason", but as I've shared with some of you, this summer I learned that the truth that everything, good or bad, ultimately happens for God's glory. I've learned this summer that whenever we are confronted with a "why" question, like "Why does God allow suffering?" or "Why can I not find a job yet?", the answer is always: "Because in some way, God is glorified."
This has been monumental in my life, as hardships and difficulties are transformed from annoyances to opportunities. No longer do I need to complain about things I can't change, but I can investigate how I can glorify God in the situation he has placed me in.
[Disclaimer: Now I need to say that I know this in my head, but I'm still growing in this faith and belief in my heart. The following example I'm going to share is a relatively trivial one, and I have yet to experience truly deep pain and sorrow such as the loss of a loved one. I trust that God is growing me in my faith in Him, that I will be able to increasingly trust him.]
The Plan
I had an appointment to pick up the keys to my new apartment Thursday September 1st at 12:30 PM, as my lease started on that day and I was supposed to move into my apartment. Because I was keeping a lot of my stuff at a family friend's house, I expected to be able to pick it all up Wednesday night so that I would be able to move in all my stuff on Thursday before North Campus BBQ later that day. I was going to attend the evangelism training on Wednesday from 7:00-8:30, then skip chalking for a second time to go get my stuff at around 9. On Thursday, I was going to move out of Sara's in the late morning, eat lunch with Iris, and unload all my stuff in my apartment and move in. I would spend time wiping down the cabinets, organizing my boxes, putting sheets on the bed, etc, and would head off to NCBBQ at around 3:00.
The Problem
I found out on Wednesday that the person staying at the house with all my stuff wasn't free on Wednesday, which meant that I would need to pick up my stuff late the next day (Thursday) after NCBBQ at around 10. This meant that I would need to pick up my stuff, unload it at my apartment, and clean and prepare my apartment before going to sleep Thursday night and waking up for Bubble Tea Bash on Friday.
When I first heard that he wasn't free to let me in to move my stuff, I was annoyed that my perfect plan seemed to be ruined. I was a bit annoyed because I thought we had agreed upon Wednesday for me to come over, but I was even more angry at myself for not reminding him about it.My next two days of NSO intensity would also be made even more difficult with the need to change my plans around, and there was a whole lot of additional uncertainty to my plans over the next few days. I didn't even know if I could move in on time or if I would have enough time to clean up my apartment, put on bed sheets, etc on Thursday night after a long day of NCBBQ.
The Fruit
(Things I would have missed, had my original plan held and I had gotten my stuff on Wednesday night instead of Thursday evening)
Chalking on Wednesday night
I first remembered that all that happens is ultimately for God's glory after the evangelism training ended at 8:30 on Wednesday. I had nowhere to go, as I had previously planned to go pick up my stuff. I had previously intentionally planned not to go chalking, as that time had been set apart for personal errands. After I decided to go chalking, I realized that by postponing the picking up of my stuff, God was very clearly using me for his glory - chalking on campus to make his name known. I realized the direct connection between having my plan altered and publicly glorifying God through publicity. I also recognized that while chalking is good publicity, God needs to work in people's hearts when they see the chalking and when they attend BTB for His name to be known and for him to be even more glorified. It was out of this understood the futility of chalking of God didn't work in people's hearts. Not only did this realization humble me, but it gave me an urge and a burden to pray constantly for God to use the chalking I was doing and to beg for God to use me. I didn't take for granted (as I normally do) that God was going to use me, but the desire for God to be glorified was too overwhelming for me not to beg God to do His good work through my chalking. I believe that God was glorified not only in my chalking, but also in the change in my heart that He did, and none of this would have happened had I gotten my stuff on Wednesday night as I had planned.
Awesome car-ride conversation with Chris
Chris called me Thursday at around 10:30 to ask me if I could drive him home to Northville to pick up Karen's stuff she left there and bring it back to campus. Originally, if I had already picked up my stuff on Wednesday night, I would not have had time on Thursday to help Chris out, as I would have to completely unload and organize my room before NCBBQ. However, because I didn't have any of my stuff yet and didn't really need to move in yet, I had the opportunity to spend a bunch of time with Chris on the car and at his house. We had a bunch of really awesome Christ-centered conversations that I thoroughly enjoyed. We got a chance to encourage one another and to share a bit of our lives with one another. I believe that God was glorified in our time together, and this would not have happened had I gotten my stuff on Wednesday night as I had planned.
Opportunity to practice humility and faith
On Thursday, I had originally planned on getting my night after NCBBQ, but the person at the house told me that around 6 would be a better time. I had a difficult decision to make, as NCBBQ went from 5-8PM. Should I, as a Core member and an "important" person in the fellowship leave one of our most important events to run a personal errand? It didn't seem like there was any other possibility but to leave NCBBQ and to go get my stuff. God reminded me how prideful my thinking was and how I need to trust Him more. God's mission on campus, the salvation of non-believers, and the success of NCBBQ isn't based on whether or not I, Caleb Tseng, am there. God is in total control, and it's foolish to think that God needs me in some way, and that He can't operate without me. I needed to take that step of faith that even if I left NCBBQ for an hour, conversations would still be happening, and the earth would still be revolving around the sun. I believe that my submission to the sovereignty of God and the absolute power of His will was glorifying to God, and this would not have happened had I gotten my stuff on Wednesday night as I had planned.
Bonding time with Josh
I decided it would be wise to get my personal stuff done and to get back to NCBBQ as soon as possible, so I decided to ask someone to come help me load my car. I ended up bringing Josh Leung, and it was a nice opportunity for us to talk about NCBBQ and NSO in general. It wasn't anything as groundbreaking or significant as my longer car-ride with Christ, but Josh and I had a good chance to just talk about how we saw God working in our hearts and in NCBBQ so far. I believe that God was glorified in our time spend together, and this would not have happened had I gotten my stuff on Wednesday night as I had planned.
Conclusion
None of this would have happened if God had kept my plan. I am not saying that God would not have been glorified had we gotten a chance to load my van at the planned time, but I now understand more and believe more deeply (at least a little more) that God really does work for the good of those who love him and that in all situations, whether or not they are inconvenient, annoying, or even painful to us, God seeks to be glorified. It is important for me to remember that when issues arise, I should be more concerned with how God is being glorified and how He can be glorified rather than being annoyed at God for not doing things the way I had wanted.
To God be the glory.
Bonus Video:
The following video is really, really awesome and has been instrumental to my growth and increasing trust in God's goodness in all situations. Here, John Piper interviews a father who describes the difficulty and struggle with God over having a child born with no eyes. It's an absolute must-watch.
This has been monumental in my life, as hardships and difficulties are transformed from annoyances to opportunities. No longer do I need to complain about things I can't change, but I can investigate how I can glorify God in the situation he has placed me in.
[Disclaimer: Now I need to say that I know this in my head, but I'm still growing in this faith and belief in my heart. The following example I'm going to share is a relatively trivial one, and I have yet to experience truly deep pain and sorrow such as the loss of a loved one. I trust that God is growing me in my faith in Him, that I will be able to increasingly trust him.]
The Plan
I had an appointment to pick up the keys to my new apartment Thursday September 1st at 12:30 PM, as my lease started on that day and I was supposed to move into my apartment. Because I was keeping a lot of my stuff at a family friend's house, I expected to be able to pick it all up Wednesday night so that I would be able to move in all my stuff on Thursday before North Campus BBQ later that day. I was going to attend the evangelism training on Wednesday from 7:00-8:30, then skip chalking for a second time to go get my stuff at around 9. On Thursday, I was going to move out of Sara's in the late morning, eat lunch with Iris, and unload all my stuff in my apartment and move in. I would spend time wiping down the cabinets, organizing my boxes, putting sheets on the bed, etc, and would head off to NCBBQ at around 3:00.
The Problem
I found out on Wednesday that the person staying at the house with all my stuff wasn't free on Wednesday, which meant that I would need to pick up my stuff late the next day (Thursday) after NCBBQ at around 10. This meant that I would need to pick up my stuff, unload it at my apartment, and clean and prepare my apartment before going to sleep Thursday night and waking up for Bubble Tea Bash on Friday.
When I first heard that he wasn't free to let me in to move my stuff, I was annoyed that my perfect plan seemed to be ruined. I was a bit annoyed because I thought we had agreed upon Wednesday for me to come over, but I was even more angry at myself for not reminding him about it.My next two days of NSO intensity would also be made even more difficult with the need to change my plans around, and there was a whole lot of additional uncertainty to my plans over the next few days. I didn't even know if I could move in on time or if I would have enough time to clean up my apartment, put on bed sheets, etc on Thursday night after a long day of NCBBQ.
The Fruit
(Things I would have missed, had my original plan held and I had gotten my stuff on Wednesday night instead of Thursday evening)
Chalking on Wednesday night
I first remembered that all that happens is ultimately for God's glory after the evangelism training ended at 8:30 on Wednesday. I had nowhere to go, as I had previously planned to go pick up my stuff. I had previously intentionally planned not to go chalking, as that time had been set apart for personal errands. After I decided to go chalking, I realized that by postponing the picking up of my stuff, God was very clearly using me for his glory - chalking on campus to make his name known. I realized the direct connection between having my plan altered and publicly glorifying God through publicity. I also recognized that while chalking is good publicity, God needs to work in people's hearts when they see the chalking and when they attend BTB for His name to be known and for him to be even more glorified. It was out of this understood the futility of chalking of God didn't work in people's hearts. Not only did this realization humble me, but it gave me an urge and a burden to pray constantly for God to use the chalking I was doing and to beg for God to use me. I didn't take for granted (as I normally do) that God was going to use me, but the desire for God to be glorified was too overwhelming for me not to beg God to do His good work through my chalking. I believe that God was glorified not only in my chalking, but also in the change in my heart that He did, and none of this would have happened had I gotten my stuff on Wednesday night as I had planned.
 |
| My biggest and best chalking that night. Notice the awesome colors! |
 |
| A less blurry, but less "bright" picture. |
Awesome car-ride conversation with Chris
Chris called me Thursday at around 10:30 to ask me if I could drive him home to Northville to pick up Karen's stuff she left there and bring it back to campus. Originally, if I had already picked up my stuff on Wednesday night, I would not have had time on Thursday to help Chris out, as I would have to completely unload and organize my room before NCBBQ. However, because I didn't have any of my stuff yet and didn't really need to move in yet, I had the opportunity to spend a bunch of time with Chris on the car and at his house. We had a bunch of really awesome Christ-centered conversations that I thoroughly enjoyed. We got a chance to encourage one another and to share a bit of our lives with one another. I believe that God was glorified in our time together, and this would not have happened had I gotten my stuff on Wednesday night as I had planned.
Opportunity to practice humility and faith
On Thursday, I had originally planned on getting my night after NCBBQ, but the person at the house told me that around 6 would be a better time. I had a difficult decision to make, as NCBBQ went from 5-8PM. Should I, as a Core member and an "important" person in the fellowship leave one of our most important events to run a personal errand? It didn't seem like there was any other possibility but to leave NCBBQ and to go get my stuff. God reminded me how prideful my thinking was and how I need to trust Him more. God's mission on campus, the salvation of non-believers, and the success of NCBBQ isn't based on whether or not I, Caleb Tseng, am there. God is in total control, and it's foolish to think that God needs me in some way, and that He can't operate without me. I needed to take that step of faith that even if I left NCBBQ for an hour, conversations would still be happening, and the earth would still be revolving around the sun. I believe that my submission to the sovereignty of God and the absolute power of His will was glorifying to God, and this would not have happened had I gotten my stuff on Wednesday night as I had planned.
Bonding time with Josh
I decided it would be wise to get my personal stuff done and to get back to NCBBQ as soon as possible, so I decided to ask someone to come help me load my car. I ended up bringing Josh Leung, and it was a nice opportunity for us to talk about NCBBQ and NSO in general. It wasn't anything as groundbreaking or significant as my longer car-ride with Christ, but Josh and I had a good chance to just talk about how we saw God working in our hearts and in NCBBQ so far. I believe that God was glorified in our time spend together, and this would not have happened had I gotten my stuff on Wednesday night as I had planned.
Conclusion
None of this would have happened if God had kept my plan. I am not saying that God would not have been glorified had we gotten a chance to load my van at the planned time, but I now understand more and believe more deeply (at least a little more) that God really does work for the good of those who love him and that in all situations, whether or not they are inconvenient, annoying, or even painful to us, God seeks to be glorified. It is important for me to remember that when issues arise, I should be more concerned with how God is being glorified and how He can be glorified rather than being annoyed at God for not doing things the way I had wanted.
To God be the glory.
Bonus Video:
The following video is really, really awesome and has been instrumental to my growth and increasing trust in God's goodness in all situations. Here, John Piper interviews a father who describes the difficulty and struggle with God over having a child born with no eyes. It's an absolute must-watch.
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