Last Friday, Northpark had an overnight campout for their youth, which I got to help out with. The youth group is, as the youth pastor described, "bottom-heavy", with a lot of junior high kids and fewer high school students. One of the lingering feeling after spending ~9 hours with them (from around 6 at night to 3 in the morning), is "Wow. Kids can be so mean!"
There's one kid in particular who seemed to be picked on and laughed at the most. He was the kid that everyone else particularly liked to see lose games and the kid who was told to stop talking in conversation. It probably had a lot to do with his youth (he was in 6th grade), general empty-headedness, and tendancy to talk non-stop about random, irrelevant things. While I don't think that most of the remarks, laughs, or snickers directed at him were malicious or particularly hurtful, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him.
I got a chance to talk to him a little sitting out at the campfire, and after I asked him what school he was attending, he told me that he was going to a new school this year. I asked him why he switched schools, and he said something to the effect of "I was tired of being shoved into lockers and being called names." Man, stuff like this breaks my heart. The mild teasing and mostly-innocent remarks tossed his way at his youth group are probably nothing compared to what he went through at school, but the church family should a haven of safety and love, as cheesy as that sounds.
The topic of bullying actually came up during the campfire conversation, and one of the kids told us a story of a bully getting beat up at his school. Apparently, a kid was picking on a mentally handicapped kid, when a football player came and told him to cut it out and beat him up. After he told the story, there was this general gladness that justice had been served, but I wish the kids could see that they could also make a difference in the life of the kid being made fun of right in front them.
I'm not sure how many people I've shared this with, but I was bullied as an elementary school kid to the point that my mom came to school to talk to the kids and my teachers. (Some of you may be thinking "Hah! I knew it! No wonder he can be such a jerk sometimes.") I wouldn't say that the bullying was especially malicious or hurtful compared to some of the stuff we hear on the news or see other people going through, and I certainly wasn't the "most-bullied" kid in school, but I still know that hurt and loneliness and fear of being bullied.
Through my awkward pre-teen years, when I often hated everyone around me at school, there was the rare person who whose kindness made the biggest difference ever. I always had my own group of friends, but there's really something about a more "popular" kid being nice to me even when he had nothing to gain, and probably more to lose, that made a huge difference.
In fourth grade, it was Matt Sullivan. "Sullie" was the funny, athletic kid that everyone liked. In that era of constantly being unncessarily football-tackled while playing goalie during reccess soccer, he was the one guy that was kind to me. I won't pretend to remember what exactly he did for me, but to this day, I can clearly remember his face, and the sadness I had when I found out that he moved away the year after.
In sixth grade, when we were in trailers at Asher Holmes, it was Mike Canetta. He was the nice, seemingly rich Jewish (or Catholic?) kid, as all the popular kids seemed to be. Despite my complete uncoolness which I will readily admit, he was kind to me. In that point of childhood when clothes and other material possessions all of a sudden mattered, I remember very clearly him spending the time to teach me the cultural must-knows, like what zip-off pants and Abercrombie and Fitch were.
I could probably count on one finger the other people I remember from my fourth and sixth grade classes, and I certainly don't remember what any of those kids looked like, but the impact these two young kids made on another young, awkward kid will never be forgotten. Here's to you, Matt Sullivan and Mike Canetta. Your small acts of kindness turned out to make a huge difference in my life. Thank you.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Living as a Closet Moderate
My Experience
It's really no secret that Indiana, and Fort Wayne especially, is extremely politically conservative (even though Obama won Indiana in 2008, surprisingly). I consider myself a moderate who has been increasingly leaning left, and I currently plan on voting for Obama again in a month. However, I can count on one hand the number of people in Fort Wayne who know my political leaning.
It may come to a surprise to some of you that I've, for the most part, kept my political leanings a secret, given my headstrong, stubborn, arrogant, and argumentative nature. I haven't spoken up about it for various reasons. Obviously, I don't want to start unnecessary arguments and break relationships with others. Also, I get the feeling, especially from the older people in the church I attend, that if I "came out" as a moderate who is going to vote for Obama, my "Christian-ness" will come into question. I can't help but feel like if people found out I was going to vote for Obama, people would wonder if I was actually a Christian or not. Let's not even get to whether or not gay marriage or abortion should be legal.
The most troublesome reason for not speaking up, however, is that I've never really gotten an opportunity to speak up. I was never asked what I believed. It is assumed, that as an evangelical Christian, I am part of the right-wing movement and am going to vote Republican. I've never been asked on my position on gay marriage, abortion, war, capital punishment, or healthcare. Rather, people speak about it around me as if it was a universal truth that Mitt Romney is the correct "Christian" choice for the presidency, and that everyone else must be blind, misguided, or anti-Christian. It really isn't what they believe that bothered me so much as it is the nonchalant dismissal of all dissenting opinions, without, in my opinion, a responsible consideration of the merit of those beliefs.
And so here I am, every Wednesday at prayer meeting, listening to anti-Obama rhetoric, mentally mumbling to myself how so much of it is flat out lies and how clearly biased and uninformed some people are. And I've realized that it wasn't before long that I started basing my identity at church and in Fort Wayne in general around my political standing. The identity that I had before, which was "the short but good-looking guy who's the only Asian in the room", has shifted to "the short, good-looking Asian who is secretly going to vote for Obama." It's really hard to describe how this happened, other than politics jumping to my mind whenever I interacted with, or even just thought about, certain people in the church. My view of others also gradually warped, as I started mentally categorizing people as right-wing nuts, instead of valuing the various non-political aspects of their lives. Instead of loving, I started judging, even though judging was the the fault that I so hated, as it got me here in the first place.
There grew an invisible divide, a canyon that only I could see, between myself and those who expect me to be Republican. It is impossible for me to really feel close to anyone to whom I can't even share my political views with. All other interaction begins to feel superficial, as I can hear myself questioning what would happen if they knew I supported Obama or that I didn't care much about gay marriage. This inability to be honest about politics and worldview has become a barrier from trust and any truly meaningful relationship.
Eventually, this judgement and its subsequent divide turned into resentment. I resented that I was expected to hold certain political beliefs as a Christian, and I resented others for holding those expectations. My heart grew fiercely defensive at any mention of politics, leading me to be increasingly irritated at any opinion of politics that was different than mine. All attacks on Obama became attacks on me, as I started taking everything more and more personally. I looked down on everyone who I thought was blindly right-wing and uninformed.
I'm glad that God's revealed the condition of my heart to me, as He's reorienting my heart towards love rather than judgement. I'm grateful for the MAC training that God's brought back to mind, as I've red-lined hard for a while without even realizing it. I'm still working on my love and humility, so please continue to pray for me in these areas.
Exhortation/Encouragements
So what's the takeaway for all of you, who are probably reading this in relatively open-minded campuses in relatively diverse and healthy ministries? I hope that you remember to never assume that other people believe everything that you do. Just because someone doesn't speak up when you're talking about something doesn't mean they don't have a different opinion about it, especially when you are discussing things in groups. Gently ask people for their opinions on important topics, and always lovingly leave room for disagreement and dialogue. Avoid unknowingly creating invisible barriers between your group and other people. Otherwise, you may end up with people that secretly resent you, your group, or all Christians.
Remember that others don't always need you to agree with them, but just that you respect them and their ideas without disregarding them for certain opinions or beliefs that they hold. And even if you truly believe that you would still love someone even if they disagree with you in some area, perception is everything, and if they don't feel that way, then you are still erecting that invisible barrier that is a stumbling block for them.
This goes for everything. Offhand remarks about girls. Using the word "gay" inappropriately. Assuming the people around you don't struggle with same-sex attraction, identity, pornography, sexual immorality, drug abuse, self-image, etc and being insensitive about those issues. Public expectations of certain people to be a certain way. Perpetual teasing of any denomination, doctrine, race, tv show, movie genre, music, lifestyle, etc. You never know who you could unintentionally be pushing away.
I hope this doesn't come off as me on a moral high-ground, preaching to all you inferior Christians. If there's anyone guilty of malicious teasing and callous insensitivity, it's me. I've actually been approached, engaged, and rebuked about it more times than I'm willing to admit. In fact, chances are that I've personally hurt you, the reader, whoever you are, at some point by doing exactly what I'm saying not to do (and for that, I'm sorry). And I'm obviously still nowhere from perfect, and God is still working on my soul. But it's only now being on the other side of things that I've really gotten a tiny taste of what being "in the closet" about anything feels like. It sucks.
Colossians 4:5-6 - "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
Philippians 2:3-4 - "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
1 Thessalonians 5:11 - "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."
It's really no secret that Indiana, and Fort Wayne especially, is extremely politically conservative (even though Obama won Indiana in 2008, surprisingly). I consider myself a moderate who has been increasingly leaning left, and I currently plan on voting for Obama again in a month. However, I can count on one hand the number of people in Fort Wayne who know my political leaning.
It may come to a surprise to some of you that I've, for the most part, kept my political leanings a secret, given my headstrong, stubborn, arrogant, and argumentative nature. I haven't spoken up about it for various reasons. Obviously, I don't want to start unnecessary arguments and break relationships with others. Also, I get the feeling, especially from the older people in the church I attend, that if I "came out" as a moderate who is going to vote for Obama, my "Christian-ness" will come into question. I can't help but feel like if people found out I was going to vote for Obama, people would wonder if I was actually a Christian or not. Let's not even get to whether or not gay marriage or abortion should be legal.
The most troublesome reason for not speaking up, however, is that I've never really gotten an opportunity to speak up. I was never asked what I believed. It is assumed, that as an evangelical Christian, I am part of the right-wing movement and am going to vote Republican. I've never been asked on my position on gay marriage, abortion, war, capital punishment, or healthcare. Rather, people speak about it around me as if it was a universal truth that Mitt Romney is the correct "Christian" choice for the presidency, and that everyone else must be blind, misguided, or anti-Christian. It really isn't what they believe that bothered me so much as it is the nonchalant dismissal of all dissenting opinions, without, in my opinion, a responsible consideration of the merit of those beliefs.
And so here I am, every Wednesday at prayer meeting, listening to anti-Obama rhetoric, mentally mumbling to myself how so much of it is flat out lies and how clearly biased and uninformed some people are. And I've realized that it wasn't before long that I started basing my identity at church and in Fort Wayne in general around my political standing. The identity that I had before, which was "the short but good-looking guy who's the only Asian in the room", has shifted to "the short, good-looking Asian who is secretly going to vote for Obama." It's really hard to describe how this happened, other than politics jumping to my mind whenever I interacted with, or even just thought about, certain people in the church. My view of others also gradually warped, as I started mentally categorizing people as right-wing nuts, instead of valuing the various non-political aspects of their lives. Instead of loving, I started judging, even though judging was the the fault that I so hated, as it got me here in the first place.
There grew an invisible divide, a canyon that only I could see, between myself and those who expect me to be Republican. It is impossible for me to really feel close to anyone to whom I can't even share my political views with. All other interaction begins to feel superficial, as I can hear myself questioning what would happen if they knew I supported Obama or that I didn't care much about gay marriage. This inability to be honest about politics and worldview has become a barrier from trust and any truly meaningful relationship.
Eventually, this judgement and its subsequent divide turned into resentment. I resented that I was expected to hold certain political beliefs as a Christian, and I resented others for holding those expectations. My heart grew fiercely defensive at any mention of politics, leading me to be increasingly irritated at any opinion of politics that was different than mine. All attacks on Obama became attacks on me, as I started taking everything more and more personally. I looked down on everyone who I thought was blindly right-wing and uninformed.
I'm glad that God's revealed the condition of my heart to me, as He's reorienting my heart towards love rather than judgement. I'm grateful for the MAC training that God's brought back to mind, as I've red-lined hard for a while without even realizing it. I'm still working on my love and humility, so please continue to pray for me in these areas.
Exhortation/Encouragements
So what's the takeaway for all of you, who are probably reading this in relatively open-minded campuses in relatively diverse and healthy ministries? I hope that you remember to never assume that other people believe everything that you do. Just because someone doesn't speak up when you're talking about something doesn't mean they don't have a different opinion about it, especially when you are discussing things in groups. Gently ask people for their opinions on important topics, and always lovingly leave room for disagreement and dialogue. Avoid unknowingly creating invisible barriers between your group and other people. Otherwise, you may end up with people that secretly resent you, your group, or all Christians.
Remember that others don't always need you to agree with them, but just that you respect them and their ideas without disregarding them for certain opinions or beliefs that they hold. And even if you truly believe that you would still love someone even if they disagree with you in some area, perception is everything, and if they don't feel that way, then you are still erecting that invisible barrier that is a stumbling block for them.
This goes for everything. Offhand remarks about girls. Using the word "gay" inappropriately. Assuming the people around you don't struggle with same-sex attraction, identity, pornography, sexual immorality, drug abuse, self-image, etc and being insensitive about those issues. Public expectations of certain people to be a certain way. Perpetual teasing of any denomination, doctrine, race, tv show, movie genre, music, lifestyle, etc. You never know who you could unintentionally be pushing away.
I hope this doesn't come off as me on a moral high-ground, preaching to all you inferior Christians. If there's anyone guilty of malicious teasing and callous insensitivity, it's me. I've actually been approached, engaged, and rebuked about it more times than I'm willing to admit. In fact, chances are that I've personally hurt you, the reader, whoever you are, at some point by doing exactly what I'm saying not to do (and for that, I'm sorry). And I'm obviously still nowhere from perfect, and God is still working on my soul. But it's only now being on the other side of things that I've really gotten a tiny taste of what being "in the closet" about anything feels like. It sucks.
Colossians 4:5-6 - "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
Philippians 2:3-4 - "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
1 Thessalonians 5:11 - "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."
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