Loneliness and Christ

As I was driving back to Fort Wayne from Northville, where Jonny, Johnny, Nathan, Cory, and I had lunch, I was hit by this huge wave of loneliness and sadness. It's been over a month since I last visited my AIV friends in Ann Arbor, and I've gotten kind of used to the quiet, solitary working life in Fort Wayne. I didn't realize how much I missed late night talks, impromptu prayer sessions, hugging it out with brothers, and having fun, silly conversations with people. Not only did I really get that awesome, familiar sense of community in my short time in Ann Arbor these last few days, my heart was also riled up to God's mission, as the excitement, passion, and burden for the Church and the lost came flooding back to me as I participated in AIV events and talked about the chapter with friends.

The thing is, I haven't really been feeling too lonely in my last few weeks at Fort Wayne. So why was I feeling it so strongly all of a sudden? This is what I realized - Loneliness is most keenly felt after leaving intimate fellowship and community of any kind. I think anyone who has gone through any kind of break up or has left a great, tight community (especially of believers) knows that deep sense of loneliness that I'm talking about - and the closer and more intimate the community or relationship, the deeper the sense of loneliness.

After thinking about it for a little bit, it hit me that in his incarnation and eventual taking on of our sins, Jesus voluntarily chose to leave the intimate community and fellowship of the Trinity and take on humanity. I'm no real expert on all this Trinitarian theology stuff, but from what I know, the community and the fellowship between Christ and the other two members of the Trinity wasn't as infinitely intimate and infinitely perfect while Christ was on earth as it was before the incarnation. Not only that, when we talk about and imagine the suffering of Jesus on the cross, we almost always think about the physical suffering that Jesus experienced, not really being able to describe the spiritual suffering of Christ. In that passion accounts in the gospel, outside of Jesus saying he was thirsty while on the cross, the writers never record Jesus complaining about any of the physical suffering that he endured. Rather, the only cry of pain that Jesus makes is recorded in Matthew 27:46 - "And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, 'Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?' that is, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'" The overwhelming pain of loneliness that Jesus experienced as he took on the sins of the world, when the infinitely intimate fellowship of the Trinity was broken, is absolutely unfathomable for us mortals. As I mentioned before, the intensity of the pain of loneliness and broken relationship is magnified by the intimacy of the fellowship in the relationship, which means that the  infinitely eternal, intimate, and perfect fellowship of the Trinity points to an infinitely painful separation and break of fellowship. For any of you that could relate to that pain I mentioned earlier (either through a breakup or a move of some sort), Jesus experienced that pain times infinity - suffering that we cannot even begin to understand.

Jesus knows what it feels like to be lonely, and he endured all that suffering so that I can come in relationship with Him. And I'm grateful for that.

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

- Hebrews 4:14-16

 Related Post - New Insights into Suffering

Some Interesting Dreams

Recently, I've been having some especially vivid dreams, of which I've been trying to keep notes of. These dreams have been so vivid that I've often spent my mornings thinking and reflecting on the dreams. There isn't really a "point" to this post, but I just thought that the dreams were pretty interesting and worth sharing. In this post, I describe four dreams that I've had, and after each dream, I add a short blurb on the emotion I was feeling as the dream ended (which I'm sure you can relate to when you have a really vivid dream that just ends) along with a short analysis of the dream.

I guess I should also say that while I do believe that God speaks to us in many different ways, I don't believe any of these dreams to be prophetic in any way. Another disclaimer - the dreams may not make a lot of sense and it may seem like I'm jumping around a lot, but that's kind of the way dreams are! I've tried to make them flow as well as possible, but dreams are dreams - the settings and details are constantly changing and they don't quite make sense.

Forgiveness for a Pedophile in a Wheelchair

I was reading a newspaper about this pedophile, a child-snatcher that would kidnap other people's kids and do bad things to them. His photo was in the paper, and it was common knowledge that this guy is the scum of the earth.

I am in church, and I see this guy in a wheelchair. I walk up to him, and I recognize his face. Holy crap. He's that guy from the paper! He explains to me how sorry he is and how all that stuff he did was in the past, and he wanted to learn how to be forgiven. He is clearly a broken man. I explain to him that because I'm at church, there's a lot of "better" people he could talk to. Lloyd appears, and I think it's perfect because he can probably relate to the wheelchair, but Lloyd just disappears all of a sudden as we're approaching him (as people do in dreams). I then go find an IV staff worker I know whom I regard highly. The man in the wheelchair follows me, using his arms to push the wheelchair (as a normal person in a wheelchair would do. I don't know how else to describe it). I tell her that this man in the wheelchair is that child-snatcher and that he wanted to find out about forgiveness and I asked her to tell him about Jesus. She refuses, saying that she doesn't want to talk to someone like him, and she starts to bolt. I follow her, begging her to talk to him, but she says that she needs to go to the beach, and putting on her sunglasses and grabbing a beach ball, she gets in her SUV and drives away. I'm left standing in the parking watching her drive away. I decide to go talk to the pastor, who is John Piper. I walk to John Piper with the man wheeling in behind me, and ask John Piper to explain to the man the gospel and forgiveness, and John Piper refuses. He says that people like this man don't deserve forgiveness for the horrible things he has done. I argue with him because I know he knows the gospel and that he was treating the gospel with contempt. He walks away. I have no one left to ask.

Ending emotion
Totally, completely disappointed and directionless. I had thought that this staff worker, who I had known to be super loving, and John Piper, who supposedly has a deep understanding of the gospel, would be able to lovingly forgive this man and point him to Jesus. But everyone refused.

Brief analysis
The whole moral of the story is quite obvious. It's that even the best human beings, the best Christians in the world have trouble forgiving the wickedness of an individual, so Jesus is the only one we can approach for forgiveness. Random sidenote: after writing this, I realize how close this story is to the story of the Good Samaritan.

Unfortunate Car Accident

My dad is driving my family in my car, and it is snowing. I had argued with him that it's my car, so I should drive, but he's driving anyways. We are on some sort of curvy road, when all of a sudden we lose control of the car, blast through the guardrail, and end up in a snow bank. The car is damaged, but everyone is okay. The police arrive and say that the penalty of reckless driving is a jail sentence, and before asking any more questions, I'm hauled off and thrown in jail.

Ending emotion
A huge sense of injustice. It isn't fair that I get thrown into jail for my dad's mistake. Not only that, it was my car, the car that I'm paying for, that he's destroyed, and I still get punished for it.

Brief Analysis
The lesson here again is obvious. Jesus suffered the ultimate injustice for me. He didn't screw up the perfect creation of God, so he didn't deserve to be nailed on that cross, but he was anyways. That deep sense of injustice that I felt gave me a better understanding of the sacrifice of Christ for me.

Awkward DPM

I'm walking in a street with some of my AIV friends (don't really remember who, but at the moment I think one of them was Besha), when I get a call. It's my friend (we'll call her Emily), and she's speaking to me in Mandarin. She informs me that something came up, and she can't go to the Daily Prayer Meeting (DPM) that she normally goes to, but she doesn't want the leader (we'll call her Sheila) to feel bad about not having anyone at DPM, so she tells me to go. I told her that I didn't really want to go, but after a little prodding, I agree to go. We hang up (the entire conversation was in Mandarin, by the way). She texts me the address of the DPM, and I walk there with my friends. Her apartment was in an interesting location. We knock on the door, and the door opens. I say "Sheila! I haven't seen you in forever!!". She awkwardly informs me that she's actually Sheila's sister (even though she looks exactly like her), and that she is taking off, but Sheila was in the shower and would be out in one sec, and she leaves.

As a little background, this "Sheila" individual is a fringe member of AIV, one of those people that I'm not sure if she's really saved or not. Anyways, I was excited that she would be leading a prayer meeting, so with my friends, we wait in the living room for her to finish her shower. It was a really nice apartment - really bright with nice carpeting and nice couches. We wait a little bit, then get bored and decide to play some games while waiting for her. We hear some strange noises coming from the shower. Then I remember that she has a boyfriend. Could they really be...? ...in the shower? Right before the DPM that she's supposed to be leading? We sit there and look at each other awkwardly, as each of us knows what's going on. She comes out, hair wet and all, and greets us. I give her a hug to say hi, but I'm not sure what to say or how to act. Her boyfriend walks out a few seconds later. It was awkward.

Ending emotion
Awkwardness, disappointment, and not knowing what to do.

Brief Analysis
There really isn't any deep gospel realization in this dream as there had been in the previous two, but I found it very interesting that I dreamed partially in Mandarin again (I do it every so often). It wasn't until I was eating breakfast that it hit me - in real life Emily is Canto and can't speak Mandarin! It was one of those facepalm moments where I felt like my entire dream was just foolishness. Nonetheless, I think this dream reflects the fear that I have (and that I've shared with some of you) that some/many of the leaders in AIV now may not actually be saved and are living a lie. I also think it's very interesting that this dream features two current non-Christians, but in my dream, one is a real Christian and one is a fake one. This dream really reflects the thinking I've done recently on assurance of salvation and how even those who serve God may be rejected by Jesus, who will tell them "I never knew you."

Seeking Reconciliation

We were in a Bible class in a big lecture hall, and the professor was talking about human rights and America. My friend (an old friend of mine) raises her hand and says, "I wish America would just have something like a French Revolution, where everyone was equal and we had no president or king or whatever." I then proceed to look at her kind of stupid and basically start ranting at her in front of everyone. "Are you an idiot? Do you have no idea of what a French Revolution would mean? And it's completely unbiblical! Do you not realize that the Biblical model is that Jesus is the king and that there will always be hierarchy? Jesus will be our king for eternity in the new kingdom! Trying to get rid of hierarchy is totally foolish!"

She looks at me kind of stunned and just looks down and goes back to writing in her notebook. The guy that I am, I keep on thinking in my head, Wow. Why would she suggest something so stupid? Then she passes me a note from across the table (yes, we are now no longer in a lecture hall but sitting across from each other at a table). The note on the table says, "I may have been wrong, but you didn't need to be such a jerk about it." Staring at the note, I all of a sudden realize the wrong that I did her. I feel horrible. But I'm not sure what to say. I close my eyes for a bit. And I write a note back, apologizing for it. We exchange a few notes, and after a little bit, things seem to be okay between us.

We are catching up, and she tells me that she just broke up with her boyfriend and that she's single for the first time in a long time. I think to myself, Could I be with her? But she's backslidden, and I don't actually really know if she's a Christian or not.

We are at an aquarium, in one of those basement-type rooms where it's relatively dark, with one of the sides of the room being completely water. It's like one of those underwater views of the pools at places like Sea World, where you can view the animals from either above water or underwater (we are at the underwater one, obviously). She's still mad at me for what I did to her. I try and ask her how she's been spiritually and try to share the gospel with her again. But she's still mad at me. We're about to get to the moment of both reconciliation (and possibly romance?) between the two of us and also really sharing the gospel with her, but as that happens, a bunch of elephants swim in, with their trunks above the water line so they can breath. As this happens, a lot of people rush in, and our conversation, which had been deep and serious, is cut off. We both stare at the elephants for a little bit as they play underwater, and then I turn back, and she's not there. I see her far away, and I chase after her to finish our conversation, but I never catch up with her.

Ending emotion
Loneliness. Lack of closure. Sadness.

Analysis 
There isn't really much intellectual analysis for this dream, but I just woke up with a real sense of burden to catch up to and pray for this old friend of mine who I haven't talked to in forever and really haven't even thought about for years. I think that I dreamed about her because back in the day, when I really didn't have any really close friends, I think she was the first really, really close friend that I had. In my current situation without really any close friends here in Fort Wayne, I probably remembered her in my loneliness. Also, she showed up on my Facebook feed the previous day (and the elephants are from this video).

Closing thoughts

I hadn't realized that all of these dreams ended sadly, because normally my dreams never end sad. I tend to win in everything. I always get the girl, make the last shot, and destroy the enemies. I'm not going to read too much into it, but I find it interesting that even though the dreams seem to end sadly, I actually tend to have quite joyful mornings after having these vivid dreams, as I'm just excited that I got a good night of sleep and have something to think about for the morning. It's really been a blessing that God's been able to teach me various lessons through these dreams. It's amazing how God can glorify Himself in my life even when I'm asleep!

As an aside, I actually had another dream this morning that was pretty cool but unfortunately, I can't remember it at all and I didn't write it down. Hopefully I can remember it and post it up later. I also have this weird irrational fear that because I'm posting this, my awesome dreams will stop. I have no idea why I feel this way. I guess it's kind of like how if you tell your birthday wish to anyone, it won't come true. Whatever. I'm off to sleep again. And hopefully dream. Goodnight.

"My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, 

and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, 

when I remember you upon my bed, 

and meditate on you in the watches of the night; 

for you have been my help, 

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. 

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me."

- Psalm 63:5-8

Church Hopping Week 5 - Northpark Community Church

This post is about Northpark Community Church, which I visited on February 26th. This church was recommended to me by a couple that used to attend there and

In A Nutshell: A medium-sized non-denominational family church with really good preaching.

Church Overview

Affiliation - None
Attendance - 300 people, but expected to grow
Demographics - Mostly white, multi-generational with a lot of families and kids.

Adult Bible Fellowship (Sunday School)

Walking into the church and asking someone about what Sunday School offerings they had, I was basically just told to go to one because the other ones didn't really fit. It wasn't before long that I realized that all of the Sunday School classes are split up based on age group, which is something that I haven't really expected or experienced before. I attended the "College and Career" group, which is basically for young, unmarried people that either just started working or were still in college. Doing some other research online, it seems like this kind of Sunday School model is actually common to the non-denominational churches in the area. I'm not really sure if I like it, as I find that it would probably be harder to meet and get to know the adults in the church, but it was nice to be able to meet some of the other young people. Other than me, there were four other young adults (three girls and one guy), and a middle-aged couple who led the class. The class was supposed to be studying Philippians, but we actually spent most of the time just talking about the church and its mission because I had asked about it (and because the teacher thought it would be a good idea to refresh everyone's memory on it). When we finally got to the Bible study, it wasn't much of a study - we just read the passage, and the teacher spent around 10 minutes talking about it and gave us some application, and we closed in prayer. I'm not sure if the lack of discussion was because of the amount of time we spent talking about the church or if it was the usual for the class, but I'll just need to go back and see.

Sunday Service

According to the young adults I sat with, this Sunday Service was completely unique and not how they normally did things. It was a communion service (they do their communions on the last Sunday of every month), so things were bound to be a little different. The sanctuary itself was undergoing renovation and expansion that should be completed in the next month, expanding the sanctuary from a capacity of around 300 people to one of around 600 people. Because of this, the sanctuary smelled a little like Home Depot, and didn't have much of the simple decoration that I've become accustomed to in even a Protestant church.

Probably my favorite bulletin cover so far

The Worship

The worship experience this Sunday was insane. It was new and traditional and awesome and unfamiliar all in one. What the worship pastor basically did this Sunday was he used the different elements of traditional worship services such as Scripture readings (both old and new testaments), responsive readings, and hymns to tell the story of the life of Christ. Starting with the birth of Christ, we listened to, read, and sang about Jesus' life, teaching, ministry, crucifixion and death, and resurrection. The songs that were sung were all hymns and very traditional but were for the most part familiar hymns. The worship style, which was never done before according to the people I was sitting with, was absolutely unique and amazing. I don't know if I would be able to take it if we did it every week, but I really enjoyed it this one time that we did it this way.

The Sermon

The sermon, which you can listen to here, wasn't the usual style because it was communion, so it was much more brief than it normally would have been (or so I'm told). I had previously listened to one of their sermons online and was impressed with the depth and seriousness of the preacher, which is something that I've been longing for here in Fort Wayne. Pastor Scott, the preaching (and lead) pastor of the church is easily the best preacher that I've personally seen so far, both in skill and in depth. At first, I was sort of disappointed that Pastor Scott wasn't going to give a more traditional kind of sermon, but the talk he gave was actually quite good. He spoke on the word "good", and gave a somewhat more application-level (but Scripture-drenched) sermon. He then did this awesome, one-time, unique thing that he had never done before - he had the entire congregation stand up and read a passage of Scripture in their own translations. This meant that there were ESV's, NIV's, KJV's, and whatever other translations being read together. It was this perfect unity of harmony and diversity. It was awesome to hear sections as we read aloud that diverted in translations and the parts that were in complete unity. I actually got chills from how awesome it was after we did the reading. Like the worship, this probably isn't something that I would want to do every week (and they almost certainly won't), but I really enjoyed the opportunity that I had to participate in these unique worship styles.

Reflection 

What I liked
Preaching - As I mentioned before, the preaching here is definitely a key strength of the church, and I probably enjoyed the preaching here more than any other church I visited. Pastor Scott definitely knows what he's talking about, and he wraps it all in a gospel-centered message devoid of much of the moralism that has so infected many of our churches today.

Young Adults- While there really isn't a huge group of young adults at this church, there's definitely more young adults than in any other church I visited. The college and career group seems to have a lot of committed members so there seems to be a potential to serve and to be a part of a good community.

Growing Church - Unlike every other church that I visited, Northpark seemed to be the only church to really be growing. Not only was the sanctuary packed Sunday morning, they are undergoing construction to expand it. Obviously, size often doesn't mean much for judging the quality of a church, but in this case, it is encouraging to see a Bible-preaching church growing.

Close to home - My biggest concern for joining St. Andrew EPC was the distance, but Northpark is actually really close to my apartment, which would make it possible for me to do stuff at the church during the week and it should make serving at the church much easier. In addition, the mission of the church and the ministries and charities that the church partners with
in the area would also be reasonably close to my apartment.

What I didn't like as much
"Adult Bible Fellowship" model- I love meeting young adults, but after thinking about it, I don't know if I like the model of grouping Sunday School classes by age. I find that it would be hard to really get to know the adults of the church. Maybe I've just gotten used to being one of the only young adults and only having adults to talk to in the churches I've visited in Fort Wayne, but I wish I got more of a chance to interact with the adults of the church. I think this sort of model is good for family churches (also like MCCC), where young parents and young married couples could get a chance to hear the advice of those in similar situations. However, I feel like this "life" kind of stuff is best done in cell groups during the week, and for me, Sunday School has always been less application-based but more about teaching Scripture.

Unsure of potential to serve - Being a bigger church with more resources, it seems like Northpark probably has "everything figured out." However, I would still like to be able to contribute to the body if I came here, and I'm not sure how I would be able to do that here. Again, I think that it might just be that I got so used to visiting small churches that were super excited to see me because in all honesty, the situation I would have at Northpark would probably be a similar situation to what I would face if I continued attending either Knox or MCCC. It is definitely good that the church doesn't "need" me (I don't think any church really does, anyways), but I would still like an opportunity to serve.

The Verdict

Northpark Community Church offers what has been weaker in many of the churches that I've visited - a young adult group and great preaching. I'm excited at the possibility of joining in on the church's mission for the community and serving in a growing church community. On the other hand, I didn't really enjoy the Sunday School class very much, which to me is the strength of St. Andrew EPC, so I have a big decision to make! For now, I think I will attend both St. Andrew and Northpark on alternating weeks to get a better feel of the church so I can make a better decision.

Church Hopping Week 1 - Fellowship Community Church
Church Hopping Week 2 - Calvary Baptist Church
Church Hopping Week 3 - Providence Presbyterian Church
Church Hopping Week 4 - St Andrew Evangelical Presbyterian Church

More than Slactivists

Social justice starts with you. Social justice starts with me. It's easy to share a video on Facebook. It's just as easy to throw a Christian fundraiser or awareness event. It's much harder to practice what we preach and to be men and women of justice. It's much harder to care about and confront the poverty, loneliness, cheating, and sexual immorality that we see around us and deal with every day.

If we say we care so much about world poverty and world hunger, why are we so reluctant to give a few dollars to the homeless guy on the street? If we say we care about the widows and orphans of the world, why is it so difficult for us to approach that girl sitting by himself at large group or sit down with that lonely guy in the cafeteria? If we say that we care about the cheated and those we take what isn't theirs, why is it that so many of us "Christians" still cheat on homeworks and projects and tolerate others cheating on exams? Yes, I'm telling you to be a rat. If you see cheating, report it. If you see your friends cheating, confront them about it, and if they don't stop, report it. Do you think the social justice workers that prosecute the oppressed aren't hated and persecuted themselves? If we can't even deal with the trouble of reporting someone for cheating, do we really think that we will be able to report criminals when the consequences are that much more serious? If we say we care about sex trafficking and child prostitution, can we not stop watching porn and contributing to the industry that drives these atrocities? Aren't we, just like those sick people we hear about, imposing our sexual will and fantasies on other children of God, created in His image?

All of these things, God hates. God hates apathy, cheating, lying, stealing, pride, sexual immorality, and he hates it as much inside of our hearts as out in the world. If we leave the sin in our hearts undealt with and claim to care about the apathy, cheating, lying, stealing, oppression, and sexual immorality of the world, are we not being hypocrites of the most epic kind?

But thanks to God, there's hope for hypocrites like you and me, and that hope is in the person of Jesus Christ. Jesus was born into a poor, refugee family of an oppressed people that had been ostracized from the community. Jesus was the kind of person that slactivists like us are supposed to get all riled up about - a son in a single-parent home of an oppressed people. But we didn't make an emotionally-manipulative video about him, we didn't send him a shoebox of goodies every Christmas, we didn't send $30 a month to sponsor him. No, we religious folk, we "activists", we giver of alms - we killed him. Friends, apart from the saving grace of God, we have no power to do any good or think any good thoughts, much less make a "positive difference" in the world. We ended up killing the most postive influence the world could possibly imagine! In the end, it is only Jesus that can redeem the world. It is on the cross that God's righteousness, justice, love, and mercy met, and it is only through the cross that we can have any hope for the evil, sickness, and wickedness in the world and the evil, sickness, and wickedness in our hearts.

By the grace of God, we can be more than slactivists who only care about justice when it's convenient and when it feels good. By the grace of God, let's learn to hate sin as God hates sin, and by the power of God, let's be men and women of justice, men and women of integrity.

"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"
- Micah 6:8

Boasting in My Weakness

"So to keep my from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep my from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

I have to admit that I've been slow to show vulnerability and weakness in all my time at Michigan (and my entire life, really). I'm not a very vulnerable person, and not that many people actually know that much about me. Yesterday was a hard day for me. It isn't every Sunday that you break down crying while praying alone in a church pew during worship, only to have a man you half-recognize put his arm around you and tell you to come sit with him. It isn't every Sunday you go up to ask for prayer from elders you don't recognize of a church you've only been to once. God really convicted me this morning during Sunday worship of this 2 Corinthians passage - of boasting in his weakness, and that's what I'm here to do.

I'm a weak, weak man. I really shouldn't even call myself a man. I'm a weak, weak boy. I'm a crybaby. It's often hard for me to pray out loud without choking up in tears for whatever reason. A friend recently told me that she has observed two things about guys - that they are stupid and that they are emotional. I don't really want to endorse this opinion for fear of losing all my guy friends, but I do know that this is true for me. It's so easy to always be stoic and look tough on the outside, but I'm really actually quite emotional. I am weak. I struggle with loneliness. It's hard for me to be alone, without friends to lean on and hang out with all the time, and in truth, it's even hard for me to ask for help. It's also hard for me to accept my singleness, of which I am often ashamed. I cope with loneliness by digging into books and getting a big head, both of knowledge and of pride. I am a needy man.

God has taught me so much in my weakness. I've learned how weak I am. I've learned that I can't rely on myself. I've learned how much I need brothers around me to care and pray for me, and I've learned not to take these brothers in Christ for granted. I've experienced the faithfulness of God through my times of deepest worry, and I've felt the warmth of God's embrace in my tears shed. I've understood more deeply the peace in clinging to God's sovereignty, and I've learned to appreciate how Jesus, my high priest, can sympathize with my weaknesses. God has shown me yet again how sinful and unholy I am, and he's displayed to me the comfort of his grace. And obviously, when I say I've learned these things, I really mean that I've grown in these areas, as I still have an eternity to truly learn it all, but God has really worked in my life through my weaknesses.

I'm not posting this for pity. I'm posting this to boast in my weaknesses in Christ. Don't feel bad for me - rejoice with me that God is making his power known in my life through my weaknesses! Jesus sees through the walls and barriers that I put up. Jesus knows how much of a scumbag I am. Jesus knows that I'm not as tough and emotionless as I pretend to be. Jesus knows how weak I am. And yet he loves me. Jesus loves me even though I'm a crybaby, and he loves me even though I'm weak. Jesus loves me so much that he died for me, even though I suck!

Thank you God for reminding me how much I suck and how weak I am and how much I need you. Use my weakness for your glory, and make me strong in my weakness. Your grace is enough for me.

Somewhat-related Posts: 
New Insights into Suffering
My Lack of Suffering